This is actually a poem for humanities class but I thought it would be fun to have y'all's input anyways. Thanks!
Iris and the Raven
There once was a girl named Iris who thought that she was like all the rest
But once as she went out to play she realized that it was all a jest
The other children would all cry out, “Look! Today the sky is so blue!”
But ask about things such as colors, and young Iris, she had not a clue
So, tired of not understanding, Iris went on a journey to find
A way to change her black and white mind
Setting off on her journey, she was so full of hope
But soon Iris realized that she might as well consult a bar of soap
She asked for advice from her family, she asked all her friends
She went to the most unusual ends
But still, no one knew how to see all in color
And, what is more, they didn’t believe her world truly was duller
So alone went young Iris, away from her home
Wishing she did not have to be alone
With no real thought as to where as to where she was going
She walked into the woods, her pace never slowing
Wandering along without paying much attention Iris soon found herself stuck in a bog
Too far for anyone to hear her calls, except perhaps a passing frog
Iris did not have to wait long, though it felt like many years
Until along came a raven and dried all her tears.
The raven pulled her out of the bog and flew high above the forest’s canopy
When Iris opened her eyes and looked around she gasped at what she could see
Silhouetted by the setting sun, there stood a mountain, cold and grey
Standing there, taunting Iris, it filled her heart up with dismay
With no explanation Iris knew she had to reach the top
And with that, her optimism came to a stop
But, as the raven then lowered her back to the ground
Iris regained a new hope that her dream could be found
After setting her down the raven turned into a butterfly
Neither Iris nor the creature could seem to figure out why
Together they persisted, delighted to be no longer alone
Even with the wind chilling them straight to the bone
Iris and the butterfly made it out of the forest, but instead of stepping out into the light of the sun
They stood in the shadow of the mountain, and realized their journey had just begun
With the butterfly flitting around her, Iris began to climb
Hoping in vain that she would finish before the nighttime
Just as she was starting it began to rain
And Iris began to feel that her efforts were in vain
But she struggled and she fought, until lo and behold
She reached the top of the mountain and to her sanity she grabbed hold
Iris stood atop the cliff, waiting to see everything anew
But when she looked above her the sky still wasn’t blue
Iris collapsed on the earth, filled with despair
The sounds of her sobs carried off into the air
Finally, exhausted, Iris looked back towards home
To fully understand the pointlessness of how far she had come
But to her surprise, instead of a dull mass of trees
Iris saw something her eyes just couldn’t believe
Nearly stumbling off the mountain in her surprise Iris saw the path she had come by
Her steps looked different than anything she’d ever seen, the wonder of it made her cry
Her vision blurred and she noticed that the sky had cleared from all the rain
Daring her eyes to deceive her, Iris looked up again
Completely breathless Iris saw above her the most beautiful, unexplainable thing
She looked around and saw this had happened to everything
Realizing now what was happening all around her
Iris finally dared to call what she now saw “color”
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Canary word: Present
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Hey there! I saw that this has been in the Green Room for far too long, so I thought I'd rescue it.
Narrative poetry. That's something I don't see very often here, and I hope I can be of some help.
I like the story. It's an interesting concept - her not being able to see in color and going out on a journey to find what she's missing.
I think what I as a reader am missing from this is basically understanding how she got her sight. I feel like you were intending to say that it was because she found companionship in the butterfly, but at the beginning you didn't really set up the idea that she lacked friends in the first place, and since the color vision only came when she was at the top, the two didn't really seem to connect. The other thing I think might have been what you were trying to convey was that reaching the top of the mountain was what gave her color vision, but again, you didn't really explain why she thought that would work. And no explanation doesn't really work - it took me out of the story.
As far as the the actual poem goes, it wasn't bad at all, but I think your biggest culprits were repetition of odd words/phrases and punctuation.
In this case, 'alone' is the repetitious culprit.
On punctuation: normally I leave it alone in poetry, because author's choice. But narrative poems usually follow standard grammar rules and I kept getting a little bit confused and having to go back and re-read it, mostly from the lack of commas. So I'd recommend just going through and punctuating it as you would prose.
And that's all I've got! Good luck, and keep writing!
Hey It's Dipa,
I don't know what I've found here but it has given me some pleasure feelings. I swear it's a very good starting of my day. ^-^ Though I didn't find any hearty message. Or it's not clear to me. But your phrase containing is very smooth and it has a spontaneous flow . l like this swiftness. And one thing I must say your description was so vivid .I don’t have this skill.
But all I've found here those come from your imaginary vivid description and rhythm. But the message is not clear to me. Did you want to use metaphor here? If you did than may be it requires some clarity. From where she found back her capability? Is it from hard work or from her volition or something? Raven, butterfly, what they mean? Are the sign of something or some kind of metaphor? I don't mind of making mysterious thing. But I dare say here you should manifest it. It'll make this poem more powerful and enriched.
Hope you'll do an expanse use of your creativity. Keep writing. I like that flow. It’s so pleasant. ^-^
Thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked my poem
The reason it's so vague is because I was thinking that I would have to recite it in from of my whole freshmen class, and I only met them just over two months ago. Thanks!
Maya