Young Writers Society

Hi Phantom, I'm Jon! Let's make your cousin scream in terror, shall we?

Haunting whispers of all kinds,

A spider crawling up your spine,

Cool breeze, a tight squeeze,

Chills you to the core with ease.

Okay, this first stanza could stand to have more imagery. When you say the spider crawls up your spine, have it digging in and wrap its legs around it. Perhaps, have the person be a dead corpse. (As you are going for the 'goosebumps' effect'). Anyway, why does this cool breeze squeeze you? This is a prime spot to have some imagery. Have the body in a cemetary next to an old mansion. Cliché, I know. But this poem is merely for fun, no? Anyway, have fog wrap around th body to feed off of it.


I gave you some ideas to use in this poem and to make it longer! I would like to see some more stanzas in between the first and the second. Really spook it up!

Clinking chains as the outside rains

I think this would sound better as, "Clinking chains under clouds of rain."

Bring with them thunder that shakes your brains.

As your inner resolve begins to dissolve

You feel this mystery is someone else’s to solve.

The second line of this makes no sense. You inner resolve? There is no such thing. I think you were just trying to rhyme. Not all poetry has to rhyme! Sometimes you sacrifice a poem's quality for rhyme. Don't. The last line would sound better as, "You feel a mystery that's cold." Or something like that.

There had been moaning, and you searched for the source.

Say, Searched the source" Get rid of "The". If/when you do, It'll make this line sound better.

They said all those things just to scare you, of course.



Just some cobwebs and mice and old dusty rugs,

Peeling wallpaper hiding various bugs,

An old dirty mattress just filled with lumps,

But it sure was enough to give you goosebumps.

You use the word, 'and' too much! Get rid of some and replace them with commas.


Anyway, this is just a poem for fun so I wasn't too too serious in the review. I let some things slide becasue it is only a poem mean't to be scary/funny, no?


Anyway, it was... entertaining.


---Jon---

They said all those things just to scare you, of course.

I think you tried really hard to rhyme which left you unneeded things. I don't of course should be at the end of this line. It sounds fine with out it.

Just some cobwebs and mice and old dusty rugs,

Just some cobwebs, mice, and old dusty rugs

An old dirty mattress just filled with lumps,

take out just it's not needed

Overall: This was very cute, and besides the few mistakes I spotted was done very well. It was a lighthearted read, thank you I have to know did your cousin like it?

Have a great day

-Tiffany