A poem I wrote for my little cousin.
Goosebumps
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Haunting whispers of all kinds,
A spider crawling up your spine,
Cool breeze, a tight squeeze,
Chills you to the core with ease.
Clinking chains as the outside rains
Bring with them thunder that shakes your brains.
As your inner resolve begins to dissolve
You feel this mystery is someone else’s to solve.
All on a dare, you walked inside,
Believing the place had nothing to hide.
There had been moaning, and you searched for the source.
They said all those things just to scare you, of course.
Just some cobwebs and mice and old dusty rugs,
Peeling wallpaper hiding various bugs,
An old dirty mattress just filled with lumps,
But it sure was enough to give you goosebumps.
---
It's certainly not perfect, but this my only successful attempt at poetry.
Critique, maybe?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I loved the rhyming in this poem; I thought it flowed very well.
Although I understand what you were trying to get across, I think the poem maybe could’ve done with a bit more atmosphere to really set the mood and unsettle the reader.
Other than that I thought it was great so keep it up!
Hi Phantom, I'm Jon! Let's make your cousin scream in terror, shall we?
Okay, this first stanza could stand to have more imagery. When you say the spider crawls up your spine, have it digging in and wrap its legs around it. Perhaps, have the person be a dead corpse. (As you are going for the 'goosebumps' effect'). Anyway, why does this cool breeze squeeze you? This is a prime spot to have some imagery. Have the body in a cemetary next to an old mansion. Cliché, I know. But this poem is merely for fun, no? Anyway, have fog wrap around th body to feed off of it.
I gave you some ideas to use in this poem and to make it longer! I would like to see some more stanzas in between the first and the second. Really spook it up!
I think this would sound better as, "Clinking chains under clouds of rain."
The second line of this makes no sense. You inner resolve? There is no such thing. I think you were just trying to rhyme. Not all poetry has to rhyme! Sometimes you sacrifice a poem's quality for rhyme. Don't.
Say, Searched the source" Get rid of "The". If/when you do, It'll make this line sound better.
You use the word, 'and' too much! Get rid of some and replace them with commas.
Anyway, this is just a poem for fun so I wasn't too too serious in the review. I let some things slide becasue it is only a poem mean't to be scary/funny, no?
Anyway, it was... entertaining.
---Jon---
Thanks for the critique! Most of the unneeded stuff was for the meter/rhythm, though I admit there was probably a better way to do it.
And actually yes, she did. She said it was "not as scary as I asked for, but neat". XD
I think you tried really hard to rhyme which left you unneeded things. I don't of course should be at the end of this line. It sounds fine with out it.
Just some cobwebs, mice, and old dusty rugs
take out just it's not needed
Overall: This was very cute, and besides the few mistakes I spotted was done very well. It was a lighthearted read, thank you
Have a great day
-Tiffany