"No, no, no," I pant to myself as I run. I can't die like this. I'm only a few moon-changes old! I need to find a way to get out of here. I refuse to accept that this might be my demise.
I am scared half to death. I duck into a bush and hope that this will save me from the huge brown monster that is chasing me. As I watch, terrified, I see it start sniffing around the bush, but it isn't able to find me. I'm safe, at least for the time being. But I'm completely lost.
I curl up where I am, but I can't fall asleep. If I do, the monster might find me and I would be dead...
How much time passes as I'm hiding? I don't know, but it is a long time. After what feels like sun-cycle after sun-cycle, the monster is gone. Where to, though? I hope I can get back to the dens without it finding me...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: Okay...well...this was a pretty interesting little prologue here, its got a couple of maybe nitpicky things for me to point out down there, but besides that it had pretty much all the essentials that you expect from a prologue.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay....well interesting way of measuring age there, haven't run into that sort of age measuring technique in a long time...but I suppose this is a relatively common thing in fantasy xD. Hmm, well, certainly a very exciting start here for this prologue, someone being chased by folks that I assume want to kill them, so...well, that's always the kind of opening to get your blood pumping...xD
Ohh...well, huge brown monster is certainly an interesting one, for a second I was imaging this person being chased by a group of people or something, but a monster certainly complicates things cause the fact that such things exist in this world is certainly a fun detail to think about here. Hmm...there is a little bit of a lack of description though...I would like to know a bit more than just brown and large, cause all that makes me think of is a giant brown blob, it needs a little bit more shape or the reader just gets lost trying to figure out what it might look like.
Okay....well...this was an interesting wait here. The fact that this person thought there was a chance that they could actually fall asleep while hiding from the monster is certainly very interesting, one would imagine a situation as terrifying as that would be sufficient to keep you awake even if you're trying to sleep, much less when you're right in the middle of it. And then, hmm...pretty decent ending there, certainly was quite a suitable ending for a prologue.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: All in all, this sounds like it would make for a pretty cool story. I'm certainly quite intrigued after reading this one. Anyway...that's about all I've gotta say here...so until next time.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi Petalstar125, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
This is telling the reader that the main character is scared. You want to try and avoid telling the reader, instead try showing. So lets take the same sentence and turn it into a showing format. just for example. Also include more of the character's thoughts. You did a pretty good job of this, but you could include more.Title: Okay so lets start with your title. I think Sunrise's Quest is an intriguing title for your story and even gives a nice metal image of a sunrise. I'm also presuming the main character in this story is called Sunrise. If so, it's a great name.
Chapter plot: Right so this was an extremely short chapter and I would highly recommend expanding on it, but I'll get to that in a moment. The plot of the main story was brought across in the chapter. The main character which I'm presuming is called Sunrise is quite young wolf pup that's been separated from her pack by a mysterious monster. Since this is realistic I'm presuming it's a natural predator for a wolf, so maybe it's a bear. I'd recommend describing it a bit more, so that I know what it is for sure. Sunrise manages to escape this monster, but is completely lost. Then the chapter ends on her thought on how to get back to her pack.
Characters: Now for the characters. I'm not sure if the monster is going to be a character in the further chapter, I'll just have to see. So obviously Sunrise is scared of this monster, but me as a reader is not. You use a lot of tell and not much show if that makes sense. For example
Description: Now for the description, which is the biggest thing you're missing. You include some basic description, but I need more. Is it night or day? Is it cold or hot? Is it cold, but the main character hot from such a long run? Where are they? You need to include quite a bit more description on what the habitat looks like.
Another vital thing you're missing is character description. What does the main character feel. Is her fur being whipped by a savage wind? Are her paws hitting damp earth or hard stones? Is she exhausted or can she keep running for much longer. Think of it like of it like your trying to put the reader inside the main characters body. Make me feel what she'd feeling.
Another thing to do is give some description on what's chasing her. You did say that it was brown, but did it make a lot of noise as it chased her? Did it stick an ugly black nose under the bush as it sniffed for her? Could she hear it lumber away into the dense undergrowth? Description is one of the most important things in a novel since me as the reader can only see what you tell me with your words. Just practice at it and I'm sure your find it very easy to do.
Grammar and Punctuation: As for grammar and punctuation, I couldn't find anything wrong.
Overall this was great start and I look forward to the next chapter. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
P.S please notify or Pm me when the next chapter is out. Thanks.
Okay, so basically I'm not going to continue this on this site, but I will on some other site most likely. Also, this is SUPPOSED to be a mysterious, short chapter. It's a prologue. It's supposed to give some insight without being too revealing, or that's how I design my prologues.
This makes for a workable prologue.
It certainly throws the reader right into the story, which is good. The action from the first line is an effective hook. It is easy to feel the narrator's fear and anxiety in their situation.
The terms 'moon-change' and 'sun-cycle' are what really tell the reader the protagonist is not human, but we still don't know exactly how.
The piece doesn't give the reader much to work with, but it works fine as a prologue. Here's hoping there's a good chapter one to follow!
Thank you! This is my first work on here, so I'm glad to see good reviews! I might continue on here or on another site though.
Do whatever suits you, and good luck!
Thanks
Hello!!
Writer1204 here for a quick review!
I have to say, I'm really hooked with the little snipped you showed here. There was a wonderful management of tension, and it was very high for such short prologue, which means quality--very good there.
I'm really intrigued as what's to come next, and, please, if you will keep on posting more of this, let me know, because I'd absolutely love to keep on reading!!
Very well done!
Hope you have a nice day/night!
Sincerely, Writer1204
Thank you! This is my first work here, so I'm glad to see good reviews.
I forgot to mention, I might not continue this work on THIS site, but I'll probably continue it on some other site if I don't.