An Alien World- Chapter 1

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Hurry up and shift that crate! Come on soldiers, your working like a bunch of sissy’s!” The commander yelled at the couple of hundred men who were unloading the ship. “You know Jack, I think sometimes you’re the only one with a brain amongst that lot.”

“Well I’ll take that as a compliment, sir. Why don’t I go and help them?”

Okay...well...seems like pretty much every other tough commander ever to exist in a story there...its not exactly bad, but it is quite a bit of a cliche here...I feel like you could maybe try to start on a line that's a little bit more professional sounding for a commander to say and not this line that gets thrown around in pretty much every story these days. At least I like the "is it a compliment, is it not?" part of the dialogue there. That's something fresh.

“No, you’ll stay with me. I’m getting a group together to go and look around. We picked up life readings and the point of this whole trip is to see what is out there, so that we can settle here.”

“Aye sir.” I stood where I was, my new orders kept firmly in my mind as I thought about this place we had come to. The trees around me were white. Not just the leaves, the whole trees. And the grass too. It wasn’t snow; in fact it wasn’t even cold here. It was boiling hot, actually. The sky was a very pale shade of blue. Paler than it would be at home. It had a sort of lilac hue in it as well, probably because of some other air particle here that we didn’t have back home.

Well you can definitely tell that that's not Earth, make you wonder for a second why no one appears to be wearing protective gear of space travel equipment, either this is a more advanced civilization where these devices are barely noticeable, or they know well in advance this planet is going to have a breathable atmosphere and normal gravity orr...they took a massive risk and it paid off...I dunno which one is more likely, but if its the third one, that's rather unrealistic. It is a fun description though.

“Commander! The air is safe! We don’t need the masks, it’s made up of mostly oxygen and carbon dioxide, and some hydrogen too, much like back home…”

“Yeah yeah, we get the picture science guy, masks off.” The commander had a blunt and brutal personality. He didn’t care about anything science related, and only brought the scientists because if we didn’t we would probably be dead within a few minutes, and that is a fact that the commander hated. He was a military man through and through. He pulled his oxygen mask over his head and I did the same, holding my breath before I would breathe in the first of air on an alien planet.

Ahhh, okay so there were masks involved....hmm a bit of a delayed reaction that one...I feel like you need to mention this sort of thing a bit earlier in the story..l.and also wow, I already really don't like this commander...I understand not liking science but this is a very rude way that this one's acting. Also...uhh, bit too much description there about what the commander is like...we can already tell all of that from his dialogue..so mentioning it again seems unnecessary. The last line is quite nice though...great place to end a first chapter on there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hello there! Rose here from Review Team Yellow to review!

Wow. This is really short. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, seeing as it's the first chapter and I believe that first chapters should be short and to the point as a rule, but it does leave me with less to review. Oh well!

“Hurry up and shift that crate! Come on soldiers, your working like a bunch of sissies!” The commander yelled at the couple of hundred men who were unloading the ship. “You know, Jack, I think sometimes you’re the only one with a brain amongst that lot.”

Nice opening paragraph. I like the commander immediately; also, I get the feeling that Jack's a favorite of his, and that could prove to be an important detail. The only real problems I found with it dealt with punctuation (I put the corrections I made in bold); I would also like to point out that the detail about the 'couple of hundred men' seems a little choppy, but it could easily just be me.

Next, I'm going to suggest that you separate the paragraphs by leaving an empty line between each of them, exactly like I've done with the paragraphs this review is made up of. It sets them apart and makes them visually easier on the eyes. That way, each paragraphs stands out and doesn't blend together into a lump of words.

The trees around me were white. Not just the leaves, the whole trees. And the grass too. It wasn’t snow; in fact it wasn’t even cold here. It was boiling hot, actually. The sky was a very pale shade of blue. Paler than it would be at home. It had a sort of lilac hue in it as well, probably because of some other air particle here that we didn’t have back home.

This part seems quite choppy to me. In my opinion, it's because of the short length of the sentences. In fact, some of the sentences aren't even sentences at all; they're fragments, such as the part about how the sky is "Paler than it would be at home." If I were you, I'd work on combining sentences so that they're all properly contrived and easy to read.

All in all, nice work! I very well might review the rest of what you have posted of this novel; I want to see what happens!

Always keep writing!

-Rose