Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
“HOLD ON” he heard Dunham yelling inexplicably loud. Garett swiveled his head to see an oncoming slope ahead. Immediately his free hand found a grip on the metal transporter and gripped it tightly. They hit the slope with enough velocity that by the time Garett realised they were on it, they were already over it. Significantly slowed by the slope braking was a lot easier, but still sudden enough to jolt him forwards. As the dust settled around them it became apparent why they had stopped, they had arrived. A standard ISPC squad shuttle sat on the elevated plain. Garett had a few questions about how it had gotten here, surely they hadn’t walked back after parking it here. They hopped off the WFTP one by one, each time it compensated for less weight by adjusting its magnetic output.
“Almost as fast as the ones back home,” Kru joked as he hopped off of the bog bike.
“Ace piloting Kru” Nero said, “At least you didn’t get us all killed, unlike Pole here nearly did.” Pole gave Nero a cursory glance but said nothing.
“Why do you think they stopped chasing us so close to shuttle?”
“Maybe they ran out of momentu-”
“- or decided to cut their losses.” Pole said, interrupting Dunham. Tensions seemed to be on edge between the team.
“We’re getting out of here now, all aboard” Klaxon said, speaking up. Her tone was commanding and threatening, as it always seemed to be. They all headed towards the entry ramp. It was in between two of the four massive prongs of the ship, with the other two making up the back half of the ship. This was the famous shuttle-split model, now standard issue for the ISPC troops. Each could hold a crew of five comfortably, with a spare room and a prison cell for any fugitives detained. It of course had faster than light capabilities, powered by a tachyonic entanglement drive. It had a community room as well, with some tables and chairs built in. Various rooms of storage and whatnot. It separated into two bi-pronged fighters which could fly independent of one another. Right now it was in landing position, looking sleek. Ahead of him Nero walked, then he was gone.
He was out of sight in an instant, thrown so fast he was killed before he could register any injury at all. His upper torso was entirely missing, and his lower body was thrown thirty feet out of sight. Garett stood still in shocked paralysis. A fine red mist hung in the air Nero had once occupied. As soon as everyone realised what had happened the panic begun. Garett threw himself to the ground for the second time that day, this time onto a much harder colder more jagged stony floor. Warnings of a sniper filled the air.
Dunham was nearly at the door when the shot went off, so he’d sprinted into the shuttle, diving the few metres to safety. Once inside he wasted not a second and immediately ran to the cockpit where he booted up the EM shields and with a few taps extended the EM shield to protect his squadmates outside.
Recognising the static in the air generated by the EM field Klaxon deemed it safe to stand, the sniper would try to fire again. Sure as soon as she stood, she spotted a distant muzzle flash, on a rocky outcrop due north. Less than a second later the air a few metres in front of her the projectile slowed to a crawl and fell to the floor. Almost seeming to bounce off of the invisible shield. The electromagnetic waves could repel plasma as well as any projectile travelling at dangerous speeds. The faster the projectile the harder it would be for it pass through the invisible EM field which now encapsulated them. And recognising the projectile as an RC2B coil gun torpedo she knew it had been travelling at around mach 6.
Knowing this she waited for the firing noise to reach, she counted the seconds down until the sound came, she then calculated the distance of the sniper . She knew Dunham must’ve made it into the shuttle and booted up an extension of the EM field, putting all the power and focus into their area.
Garett, Boe and Pole, sensing the field as well deemed it safe to stand. They were lucky the sniper on the ridge didn’t have more up to date polytrincolate metal ammo which wasn’t just not magnetic, it was strongly unaffected by even the higher forms of EM such as the shield which could repel most matter. That was the type of ammo Pole was using to shoot down the enemy ships before, and his gun was trifold more powerful. Mach 20 speeds as opposed to mach 6.
There was little that anyone could do for Nero, it didn’t matter where you were hit by a projectile like that, at those speeds nothing could survive being in a vicinity of an impact. Grieving could come later, for now retreat was needed, the sniper shot was proof of ground forces being present, and no doubt they outnumbered Klaxon’s now only four person squad. Outlines of enemy soldiers appeared over the crest of the hill, they wore dark blue armor. They raised their plasma rifles. They fired a volley into shield, which held the plasma at bay. The plasma dissipated after webbing around the outline of the EM field in intricate patterns. Upon realising the shield was in place they began a charge forward, a few dozen of them at least. Closing the gap. Giving herself no time to think about her fallen squadmate she yelled for everyone’s attention, which was hardly needed, everyone was already well on their way into the shuttle, a dullness hung in the static air, the shouting seemed distant, she didn’t know if it was an effect of the EM field or she was imagining it. Her team had been in some scrapes before but they had never lost anyone before. They had been a perfect squad since training where they all passed together. Trained and reared as a single fighting unit. They had received the ISPC’s Orion medal for efficiency and been recognised multiple times by the ISPC as one of the most functional and powerful squads. They had been together for over seven years, and were revered and respected by fellow squads. Yet that was no longer, the machine was broken, the dominoes had begun falling. Klaxon knew inside of her that dark times were coming. She felt a foreboding darkness on the horizon. The shuttle seemed to fall into the distance as her perspective warped. Time seemed to move at half pace as the steady footfalls of Pole, Kru, Garett and the boy named Boe came down onto the rocky plateau's surface. It was a scramble for life, they all knew they couldn’t afford to slow in pace lest the soldiers breach the reaches of the EM field and began firing, they would surely find their marks.
Dunham appeared in the shuttle’s doorway, his rifle raised, aimed over their heads at the oncoming Militia forces. Garett entered the shuttle’s doorway and ducked into the corridor as fast as he could, Klaxon was just behind him with Boe and Kru following last into the doorway. Dunham slammed the shut button hard and the shuttle immediately began ascent, AI controlled. The EM field deactivated briefly, so it could re activate surrounding only the ship.
Garett felt the air around be sapped of the static sensation of the EM field, the shuttle tilted as it began to build up energy for a skybound burst. He slipped on the hallway’s smooth floor, he gave himself a moment of recuperation before attempting to pick himself up. They had all walked into the cockpit at the distant end of the corridor when in slow motion in happened, the shuttle shook. his feet lost traction and he felt the shuttle’s still open door beckoning him. Plasma fire was impacting the shuttle and causing it to shake.He saw the railing next to him and reached out for it, a desperate flinging motion slapped his hand across it momentarily. The open door wasn’t closing fast enough. He could feel the frigid air biting at him. He slid down the corridor, grasping at the floor with freezing stiff fingers. He yelled out an incoherent cry for help.
The corridor’s wall to his left exploded as a stream of plasma impacted it and left a white hot hole. Rapidly cooling plasma showered Garett, his hands instinctively came up to protect his face from the scarring cascade, with no gripping hands at all he furthered his now rapid fall into the gaping doorway. The scalding plasma rolled down his arms and onto his neck and face. The pain was hot and mentally suffocating, he screamed and writhed on the floor, sliding ever closer to his almost certain death. He choked on his thoughts as he slid, barely registering the hand Klaxon used to grasp his Jacket’s hood. She was struggling to hold him. She winced at the sight of his raw scalded arms. His hands still clasped protecting his pretty face. She tugged her mightiest with both hands but he wasn’t moving at all, the door was taking far too long to close, it was on low power after the EM field had been focused.
“DUNHAM, CIVVIE IS WOUNDED” she yelled down the corridor.
“I NEED HELP”
Instead of Dunham, the boy named Boe came scooting around the bend in the corridor and immediately began to help. Together the battle seemed to be won, Garett was being pulled ever closer despite the ship’s gradual tilt. Through the doorway the heavy plasma rifle fire was so intense you had to squint to gain a proper visage of the outdoors.
At any second one of them could fire an accurate arc into the doorway again, and this time they might not just hit a wall. Garett wasn’t particularly heavy but their efforts had to be split between keeping themselves from joining him on the death slide and pulling him up. After what seemed like hours but was probably only seconds, Dunham appeared around the corner.
Klaxon threw herself sideways while still keeping a strong grip on Garett’s hand to avoid the sudden arcing ray of plasma that burned into her vision. Boe was too late and too slow to move. At first he didn’t realise what had hit him, the death wasn’t nearly as swift as that of a coil gun. He had to look down and take into account the fact that his entire right chest area, was gone, his ribs looked melted as they jutted out of the charred wound. Boe opened his mouth to exclaim his surprise but instead a he coughed a small puff of black smoke as his lungs caught fire inside his now open chest cavity.
He simply dropped to his knees and fell face first onto the slick floor. Garett opened his eyes to see Boe staring into his, they lay alongside one another. All of his burns were forgotten for a brief moment as he watched in shock. Boe gave him a look that said what needed to be said, before sliding out of the shuttle and into the open air.
All that Boe knew was pain in those moments, as the shuttle grew further away and the ground rushed towards him. He could feel the fire inside him. He was going to die, but that didn’t seem so bad all things considered. He closed his eyes and met the ground.
Garett pulled himself up with the aid of Klaxon and the railing. The shuttle had begun to stabilise and was flying a bit faster. The door clanged shut as the power was reverted to it’s original format. Boe was dead. Garett didn’t know what to feel, right now he was too consumed in thought to feel anything. The ship shook once more, the corridor tilted left momentarily before it corrected itself.
“Dunham, we need you on piloting, this AI is going to get us killed” Klaxon said, pointing Dunham the way. Without pausing for even a reply he made haste for the control room. For a second Garett had time to admire the ship. The floor had slipped on was perfectly shiny, stained only by the scuff marks he had left, and the scorched areas where the plasma residue had landed. The walls were smooth too, and the ceiling perfectly mirrored the floor. This was because the ship was designed so that it had no upside down, either way was functional. The wall which had been hit had a gaping hole which behind it revealed some damaged circuitry and some pipes that held thick cables. Garett’s face stung badly, it felt hot and sticky. His forearms were red and on the worst burned parts he could see his muscles quivering underneath the skin.
“You, we’ll get you some medical attention later, for now you’re needed.” Klaxon said.
“What?” Garett replied, his legs were gelatinous blobs beneath him, he was dazed.
“They’ll be after us any second now, they have an entire fleet and we’re going to need at least another gunner.” Klaxon said impatiently, as if she had to repeat herself. The entire craft shook as it began to sweep through the air, it ascended at a low angle, unlike some craft it was designed to fly rather than purely for space travel. Thus it wasn’t designed for a vertical take-off. Garett’s forearms were a patchwork of red raw burns, visible through the charred holes in his jacket. His face was rugged vista of burning craters,a volcanic planet. His every facial movement caused him to wince.
Klaxon grabbed him by his shoulders and thrust him into the corridor on his left.
“Man the rail cannon at the end of the corridor,” Klaxon said, her voice utterly devoid of panic, devoid of anything.
“I don’t know how to use it” Garett shouted after Klaxon before she got too far away,
“Point and pull the trigger” She yelled back at him without slowing. At the end of the corridor Garett spied the rail cannon, it stood in the sunlight that shone through the curved glass viewport. The sky was an electric blue through the high contrast hued glass. The railgun itself was mounted on the ship’s exterior, but the pane of glass provided a decent view of the gun and a clear line of sight. He knew he aimed to the rear of the ship thanks to the rocky ground which screamed past a hundred odd metres below. In front of the window sat an omnidirectional chair. It was oriented straight outward and was level with the floor on which he stood, it was on a synchronized axis with the plasma cannon, so where he aimed the cannon would follow. On either armrest of the chair were fixed some gauntlet looking devices in which he would have to insert his hands to reach the triggers, a safeguard against accidentally hitting the trigger and firing. He ignored his pain as best he could and took a seat.
The plastic cushion material was warm against his back, making him more aware of the cold of the room. Shivering while his arms felt burning was an odd juxtaposition of sensation, adding to the fog that shrouded and deluded his senses. The chair’s headrest had a built in communications device, which sprung into crisp life with the sound of Dunham’s voice.
“Fighters incoming, ready yourselves.”
Garett suddenly realised the cold wasn’t the only thing making him shiver. He had been rammed headfirst into a conflict, and while he was glad not to be a corpse he hadn’t had a spare moment to reflect on what had happened. He had never given himself the time to. Now he sat in a gunner seat, white knuckled hands on triggers, being asked to kill. The only way he could kill would be to pretend he wasn’t killing, to distract himself. He would have to learn to live with himself, after all, he knew inside he was responsible for the death of Bo, and the old lady, he was responsible for every person he didn’t save. He continued the facade of ignorant bliss, giving himself no time to feel guilty or responsible, no time to feel anything. Yet still he shivered.
He steeled his nerves, he compacted his fears into the back of his head, erecting a temporary dam. He didn’t have to wait long before the first of the fighters made themselves apparent. They ascended from below, still rather too distant to shoot at. The comms spat once more
“I count twelve, get ready to shoot Civvie” Klaxon yelled down her end of the comms. They approached rapidly, each of their plasma casters looked more intimidating than ever before. Garett hadn’t noticed before but the plasma cannon was following his vision. As his eyes had meandered the seat and cannon had moved with them. Seeing as he was now focused on the lead enemy fighter he decided to pull the triggers. He clamped both hands down on their respective buttons. His very thoughts reverberated with the force of the shot, the lead fighter was obliterated, not even having time to become a fireball before it was disintegrated. The metal beneath his feet still resonated with the shot. The effect the shot had on the formation was instantaneous. They knew they had been spotted and immediately scattered, some dropping lower, some decelerated and fell behind, yet others accelerated higher.
Klaxon praised him on the shot through the comms device but he barely heard it. He noticed the white hot streaks in the sky from her shots, she must’ve been on the parallel side of the shuttle, seated in the other identical pronged end he was.
He fired off another shot, at the next closest one. This one didn’t seem so shocking, now that he expected it, he could start to adjust to it. The shot flared through the air for a mere instant before disappearing from sight entirely, the enemy fighter escaping a shameful fate by a mere few feet. He saw one of Klaxon’s shots find it’s mark, one of the rightmost fighters beings erased, leaving nothing but tumbling debris carried forwards by the remainder of inertia. He fired again, missing once more. Frustration and fear. One of them came close enough to retaliate. Their plasma casters had inferior range, and the plasma was reflected off of the shield. It’s white hot residue smattering the invisible magnetic field that safeguarded them from a fiery death. Garett returned fire, his rail cannon delivering swift retribution. The closest ship exploded in a large black cloud of debris, which fell into the distance near instantly.
Exhilaration flowed through him, and for a brief time he could push his responsibilities, his pain, to the back of his mind. He was afraid but free in his fear, he almost felt like laughing. He fired again, the rail cannon spat out another projectile at steel searing speed. Another one went down, consumed in it’s own disintegrated bits. The communicator opened up again,
“Good shooting civvie, halfway to the required EM drive altitude” Klaxon said into her headset. She aligned her barrel with a rapidly approaching fighter. They were hoping to drain the EM drive energy with intense fire, the charged plasma was slowly sapping the EM field, shot by shot. Eventually they would get through. Klaxon relied on them being able to activate the EM drive engine and escape faster than light, but to do so they would need to be at a certain altitude, in thinner atmosphere. Shot upon shot him and Klaxon fired into the pursuing squadron. One by one the enemy fighters were obliterated. Their progress was backwards though, for every fighter they destroyed, three more seemed to take it’s place. She knew they had to reach critical height as fast as possible, the shield wouldn’t hold out much longer. While she was impressed with Garett’s accuracy for a beginner, but even another gunner at her level couldn’t hope to stave off the multitudes of enemies that pursued them with deadly intention. A message from Dunham came through,
“Give us another minute or two and we’ll be able to safely go FTL.” Dunham said. Klaxon knew they couldn’t last like this much longer.
“Negative” Klaxon replied into the headset.
“But Klaxon all you have to do is hold them off a b-”
“We don’t have a bit longer Dunham, the shield is going to fail, you know and I know it.” Klaxon interrupted. There was a brief silence over the comms before Dunham released a sigh of defeat.
“Ok.. so what do we do?” Dunham repeated. Klaxon’s reply was delayed by the fact that she had to multitask, continually trying to thin the enemy numbers.
“If we can’t outrun them, or outgun them, we have to outsmart them” said Klaxon through the comms unit.
“What’ve you come up with this time?” Dunham replied, half focused, his other half focused on keeping the ship steady with his white knuckled grip on the steering axis of the ship.
“Simple, we expand our EM field back outwards by diverting power from the frontal generators.” Klaxon said with what Dunham thought might’ve been a hint of pride.
“Then they get caught up in the opposing forces, tearing them to bits.” Dunham finished, realising the plan in it’s fullness.
“Exactly.” Klaxon confirmed. An audacious grin hinted upon Dunham’s concealed face. He flicked some switches, and soon they were prepped to go.
“Garett, hold your fire, we need to draw them in.” Klaxon relayed to him after switching comms, though he did not reply she could see his firing cease. He was taking orders, she admired silently. She switched to an open channel for everyone to hear.
“Hold it Dunham, hold it..”
The fighters grew closer by the second, firing in increased proportions and all coming in close for the finishing blows to the plasma halting EM field. Any second now they would be through. Garett had no idea exactly what they were holding in, but it was something to make them win apparently.
“NOW!” Klaxon yelled into her helmet, loud enough to startle Garett, but to be fair that wasn’t a challenge. A sound not as loud, but far stranger than a rail cannon proliferated through the air. A buzz nothing quite like anything he had heard before filled the air. It was an almost unknown procedure to shift the focus of an energy field while it was active. It took all of Dunham’s technical skills to figure it out. As a strange sight became apparent to Garett, the noise was joined by that of rending steel. The closest ship began to almost elongate in a peculiar fashion. Garett raised his eyebrow at what seemed a first to be a trick of the light. But it was an unmistakable distortion. It began next to tear. Despite the between them hull and the good twenty metres between him and the fighter, he could hear the screams from within faintly. The trap had succeeded.
It was being torn apart, the one next to it was doing the same. It began an orchestral compilation of rupturing hulls, steel torn apart by exponential magnetic force. The people inside were killed in slow agony as the magnetic forces acting upon their bodies redirected blood to their extremities. Flesh was shredded alongside steel by the inverse forces. Most pilots were given a quick death once their engines reacted explosively to the forces at play. As they exploded whatever forces had once had an unrelenting grip on them began to lose influence over them and the debris plummeted l from the sky.
One fighter that was almost intact fired off a final plasma arc before being torn asunder. To unexpected effect the plasma bolt simply dissipated into the air, glowing white hot. Once all the ships had been decimated the buzz became auditory once more as the EM field shifted back into position. Held breath was released all over the comms. Someone cheered. They were on the home stretch.
End of chapter
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Hello.
First off, you have many dialogue punctuation issues here. I'd suggest taking a look at this article and proofing your own work. It might be a very little thing, but it makes a huge difference for readability.
I'm going to talk about your dialogue in general. You use caps to describe yelling a lot in here, which isn't the best course of action. I'd suggest playing with italics for emphasis, and generating the sense of yelling with the tension your previous review described.
Then there's how you use some sort of "talking verb" to describe every single statement. What I mean by "talking verb" is said, joked, yelled, called out— everything that describes the voice itself. What you might want to consider including is what I call "action tags": things that describe body language, without using a single verb to describe the voice. For example:
Is a "talking verb" or "said tag". You could change it to look like this:
In my rewritten example, you're relying on body language to give the tone across. This is a much more effective tool to get tone of voice across because we get a better sense of the character. Communication is over 50% non-verbal, so people will pick up on these body language cues without needing verbs like "joked."
You also always put tags after the dialogue, which gets a little stale. Actions can go before the dialogue to break things up.
You also have a bunch of talking heads here, which that article explains how to get rid of. I'd suggest looking at it to see how you can smooth everything out. Even though you have a lot of headset communication, people can still interact with their environment and react to it around their talking. It would help get your description and dialogue playing together, instead of large chunks of dialogue and large chunks of description.
All in all, this needs some polish. The concepts are cool and your characters have some personality already, but without the body language it's really hard to connect with them. Adding that in, along with the tension, will really make this piece shine.
Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Hi there!
Okay, so first of all I wanted to say that you've obviously thought out this world a great deal and seem to have an idea of the way things work. That's good, because you have details and you seem like *you* are really interested in what you're writing, you're not just writing willy-nilly and making stuff up as you go.
(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
That said, there's a time to share the science behind how things work. And in the middle of a scene full of tension is not it.
The second of those examples even more than the first. Like, Garett is injured AND just saw Boe die (p.s. why is it "the boy named Boe" so many times rather than just "Boe"?)...but now he's admiring the ship, simply because he has time. What? No! What is Garett feeling at this moment, other than excruciating physical pain? What would someone really think in this scenario--not about the ship, simply because you want to describe it right now, but what would he think about all the insanity happening all around him?
Ditto for backstory. Especially since this is chapter four and we should probably know some of this stuff by now.
I'm sure you were just trying to impress upon us just how devastating Nero's death and Garett's injury were for Klaxon, but still. Nero's death came out of literally nowhere (to the point of being confusing, actually, because one second you were describing the ship and the next this guy's head was blown off), Garett was shot, now they're all fighting for their lives--of course it's devastating. So it's okay. We don't need to know the entire backstory behind their perfect team and why Klaxon is horrified just now. We can probably figure out some reasons on our own.
On the note of Nero's death, I think part of the reason that was confusing is because you spent this whole long paragraph describing the ship and then suddenly there was a "him" and I didn't know who "him" was. This also happens in a later scene with Klaxon, where the attackers are being described and then "she" shows up and I don't know who "she" is. Except since there appears to only be one "she" in the chapter, I was able to figure it out easily enough.
Another issue you had was stating the obvious or telling us things rather than showing us. Well, really telling us in addition to showing us, so it was just kind of redundant. Like in these examples.
In the first example, we can tell there's tension amongst the team because of Nero's comment about Pole and the way Pole interrupts Dunham. We also know Pole interrupts Dunham because of the dashes you used to cut off Dunham's line and start Pole's. And of course Klaxon is speaking up--she's saying something now, and it's clearly something intended to pull the team out of their almost-argument.
In the second example, we know there's nothing anyone can do for Nero, because we saw him die. We were told right off the bat that he died and saw that his body was literally ripped into pieces by whatever killed him.
Keep an eye out for that. You do actually show us what happens, but it's like you're afraid we won't understand what's happening, so you then tell us what you just showed us. Trust your readers! You do a good job showing us what happens, so you don't need to tell us afterward. We'll understand.
I want to leave off with a few good bits. In both of these scenes, you show us what's happening without telling us afterward--pay attention to what you did here to see how to fix the other parts I just mentioned--plus you show us more of what the characters are feeling.
I especially love that second scene. Oh, my God. It's so understated it's brilliant. Boe dies so quietly, there's no dramatic death scene or a display over melodrama from Garett. It's just quiet and so, so moving.