Published August 27, 2010
The man in the torn, ragged clothes walked into the Kmart. He idled his way over to the arts and crafts section, the strips of fabric from his pants dragging against the polished floor. The bulk of his large brown coat got in the way as he grabbed the items he needed, and he clumsily held them as he walked up to the cashier.
The cashier was a young man, about eighteen, whose face was plagued with acne. He raised an inquisitive eyebrow at the raggedly-dressed man as the items were placed on the conveyor belt. The man stared back, said nothing. The boy checked the items out – a large cardboard sheet, a box of sharpies, and a small string – stuffed them into a bag, and waited for the man to pay. He checked in the pockets of his large coat and, after about a minute of fumbling, produced a group of stained coins. He dropped them onto the counter; the boy picked them up and slowly counted to two dollars and eighty-nine cents. “Your change is one cent, sir,” the boy held his palm out with the penny.
The man let out one deep gruff of a laugh, his rotten teeth barely visible from behind the bushy beard that covered his face, said, “Keep the change, boy.” The young man’s pale mouth curved into a frown as the older man walked away, towards the exit.
He paused at the automatic sliding doors and sat on the bench to the side of them. He opened the box of sharpies, chose a blue one, and started writing on the cardboard. He did this slowly, making sure every letter was perfectly drawn. The first word: “THE.” The man paused, looked around for a second, rolled up his sleeves, and continued. The next words: “END IS.” He stopped again, a girl in a blue tank top entered the store and he watched her walk past until she was out of sight among the rows and rows of merchandise. Then he returned to his work. He looked back down at the cardboard sheet and traced the last word: “NIGH.”
The man poked a couple of holes into the top of the sheet and tied the string to it. Placing the sign around his neck, he walked outside and across the street to join a group of other hobos who welcomed him with open arms, all of them holding signs that said, “THE END IS NIGH.”
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Ah damn, I need a good title. Help, anyone?
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140,763 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hi there Periablo! I'm WD, and it's nice to meet you! This was a great read! As has been said, I really admired the simplicity of this piece and the ending. I don't entirely understand all of it, but I like that, and I like that you don't come out and explain the man's actions at the end. So, I'm just going to point out a few little things, okay?
Mmm, I feel like the word dragged implies that what is being dragged has some sort of inhibitory weight. Maybe this is just me, but I wonder if you could present us with a more vivid image here.
This is good, but I think it would be interesting if you explored the cashier's reaction to the man at the register. How does he respond to the coins? Is he a little bothered that they are stained? Does he look at him funny? More detail here might be nice.
Really like this. I do question the phrase 'gruff of a laugh' though. Can't really hear that very clearly.
A few questions to consider: why doesn't the girl stop and look at what he's doing? Why does he pause? If everybody is going to see his sign anyway, why does he stop writing when the girl walks by?
All in all, very nice! I like how simple this is, and I am interested to see where it goes from here. Nice job! Keep writing! PM me if you have any questions!
This was pretty awesome, I think. It was short, but not too short if you know what I mean. That being said, I do have a few suggestions. Firstly, I found the first sentence could have been better since it is the opening of the story. I have just seen that others had the same comment, so I won't dwell. Moving on!
You could have also went into more detail when he was going through the store. It could have been unfamiliar and he had trouble finding the supplies or something. And as a last quick note, I'm not entirely sure why he kept on pausing when writing the sign. If there is a good reason for this, you could have hinted towards it or gave a vague reason and let the reader fill in the rest.
Other than that, I don't have any more to say other than good job and keep it up and all that good stuff!
Hello!
This was really interesting and very believable! I enjoyed reading this.
Some suggestions:
I agree with Margaret Louise...the first sentence needs to be more engaging, but I also think that "clothing" flows better than "clothes". Also, I feel like the word "idled" is really out of place, he seems as though he's excited to do this, not hesitant..why else would he spend all his money on the sign?
I don't really understand how the coat got in the way. Was it restraining him because it kept him from flexibly moving his arms? Or were the ends of the sleeves bumping into things as he went to grab the items?
Repetition of the word "ragged"
At "The young man's..." I think that you should start that as a new paragraph. Also, you go from calling him a boy to a young man, try to stick to one or the other.
I thought he had a bulky coat on...that would be kind of difficult to roll up the sleeves.
I think that it would be the perfect time to have him smile, right after this sentence, so that the reader knows he is delighted by making this sign. (If that's what you were going for.)
I would have loved to have seen a bit more juxtaposition in this, you did a nice job by describing his clothing and unkempt nature, but I think that you should point out how clean and bright the store is. It must be a weird feeling for him to go into a store since he's used to living on the streets, show the reader this feeling.
I really liked this story, and I'm horrible with titles, but I'll give it a shot since you said that you need one
How about: The Department Store ...?
Great job with this! Keep writing.
-Once
GREAT! Great, great job. The brilliant simplicity of it, the imagery, the abrupt ending. Loved it!
I loved that the man had to scramble for his few coins just to make this sign, because to him, it was of the utmost importance.
A couple things, though. The word "hobos" is a bit strong to describe these homeless men, unless you are aiming to convey a tone which disapproves of the men's actions. In that case, insert lines throughout that reinforce this tone. If not, then perhaps change the word hobos to something a little softer.
Your first sentence here could also be more engaging. For example, "The man, his clothes torn and ragged, walked purposefully into the KMart.
Also, the words "the cashier" are repeated at the end of a paragraph and at the start of the next one. You can change the first one to "checkout counter" or something like that.
This could also be more concise: "as the older man walked towards the exit" has a better flow to it, with fewer interruptions.
That's all. Amazing job. Keep writing