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Young Writers Society


12+

Warriors OF Elements Chpt. 2

by PerfectWeapon


Maledictus”

“Cursed” I muttered to my self

I stood there for a moment before what he said sunk in. He thought I was cursed, that was something I’ve never been told before. Thinking of it, I was scared of that. Finally knowing what was wrong with me. Understanding what sort of messed up power I was. I bit my bottom lip to stifle a scream of rage that wanted to escape.

Aliah and Bill are rushing over to Elijah. Fear was evident on Aliah’s face as she stands up and shoots lightning to me. I recognize what she is doing and deflect using basic magic skills of shielding. Rage courses through my veins as she turns on me. I couldn’t believe that she was turning on me. It was my element. Then, I didn’t recognize his fear I just used my element.

She was fighting me, I had just beat the best warrior of any of us. My element is stronger than any of their’s. I had control over nearly every element because people’s stupid fears. If it wasn’t for them, they wouldn’t call me cursed.

Anger boiled in my veins as I can’t move. Something binding me in my place as my thoughts freeze, almost. I want to just relax and fall back, into the darkness that surrounds me and engulfs the entire universe. That’s when it struck. Frozen, stopped moving, time. It had been frozen. Bill, he had done it. He was against me also. My thoughts are choppy as I realize this.

I concentrate as hard as I can. I focus my mind on what needed to be done. I thought ahead, what Bill would be doing. He was probably trying to fix this, or maybe he and Aliah were going to strike. I immediately set my mind on his past, on her past. Focusing on all fears that had ever surfaced. I also thought back to wha Aliah had said but a few days ago.

“I wouldn’t know what to do without him. Gastrin has been here for me for so long.”

That’s when is struck me, still frozen I thought hard. I was trying to remember if Bill had said anything similar, he had. I still can’t move, but from training with Bill, I knew how long it would be until time forced itself to move again. I merely had 10 minutes. After that, Bill was probably going to freeze it again. As soon as time continued, I was going to tell him of his death and attack. I hated the thought of having to do this, but it was my only choice. They’d attack me if I didn’t.

Time continues, Aliah is behind me with air crushing my sides to keep me from moving. Bill is trying hard to concentrate, but the energy is draining him. Just as I sense Bill about stop time I scream out that he is dead.

Everything is stopped, I thought that Bill had paused time already, but instead I see Aliah move to the ground. Her head in her hands, I see them both at a vulnerable state and I attack. summoning my sword, I lunge. However, it was not at Aliah, but at the ground. Cutting a hole around her. I envision her falling down, for several minutes until I can escape. Bill is just watching frozen.

I use the power from Elijah, when he enchanted the note. I gained slightly advanced power skills. I charge literally head on the someone who could literally freeze time. Stupid I know.

He swung his arms creating of spinning circle of enchantments. The circle was supposed to protect him from an enemy weaker then him. However, I wasn’t. I created on of the same circles and threw all my force into it. This was going to become bloody amazing rather quickly.

Bill jumps, his arms going up and landing straight in front of me. He summons his own sword from his imagination literally. A field goes up around us as anger courses through both of our veins.

I never summoned the field and by the looks of it neither did Bill. I glance to my left and Aliah is standing there holding and air field around us. Her eyes are red, and it’s blatantly obvious that she is not the one in control. Just as it had happened to Bill only hours before. Her arms begin moving upward, and Bill and I forget the task of fighting each other.

Before when Bill had been ‘possessed’ if you will, his mind fought off the so called attack. His brain was wired for defense using time, so whatever energy he had been using for magic, I was sure it became drained of him. Aliah’s brain however, is not wired for that sort of defense. This making me positive we were dealing with something that could destroy us.

Lighting cracks above the field of air encasing Bill and I. I could sense the fear between the two of us, and we know what is about to happen. Aliah was forcing the particles of air together creating friction, thus creating lightning. She was literally going to fry us with air.

I hoped Bill understood this without me needing to explain, I don’t think we had time for any sort of explanation. As soon as Bill started moving I knew he understood.

He put his hand on my shoulder as we literally suck into ourselves. How he mastered transportation, I don’t know. Even Elijah hadn’t, I guess it comes with the whole ‘I can control time’ element for him.

Before I knew it we had been moved behind Aliah. His transportation was flawless, except he may have used a bit to much energy to move us.

She spins on her heel and faces us. Just as ‘it’ starts to moves, I force my hands behind me. Flames erupted around us knocking ‘Aliah’ of balance for a split second. Enough time for Bill to move forward to her. He looks closely to her, his eyes boring holes into her mind. He is trying to find the source of the attack. Aliah however, sense this and crushes air down forcing him to collapse. Everything stops again. Things are moving backwards and whispers and shouts of pain dance around me. Engulfing me in the sound of pain, I scream and collapse. I feel a hand pressed to my shoulder as soon as I collapse and it’s Bill, just standing there. I look around to try to see things that are happening.

It’s amazing to see peacefulness. To see everything in freeze frame. Like when a game lags, except this wasn’t annoying. I loved the sight and wished it could always be so peaceful. Bill points to Elijah, I glance that way.

Elijah’s thoughts begin to swirl around him, things like fear, hatred, annoyance, laughter, friends, they all swirl around him.

“Those are his thoughts.” Bill says with a nervous cough on the end.

“You can see what we think about?” I question.

“Yes, though somedays it feels like it drains the ability to use my element, but that’s my secret to battle. When I freeze time, I see worries, plans, devastations. It’s almost like I can see into the future. However, as of late, I can always see worries between you and him. I never see anything good anymore. It’s terrifying as if you guys are sworn enemies planning to fight. ”

“Then why can I see them now?”

“I don’t know, I’m not you. However true that may be though, I could see Gastrin’s death tucked away in the back of your mind. You don’t know how much terror would rip through noticing this issue. However, I never saw his worries. I never saw anything about how he was worried about death, never anything about well, death.”

“Why are you showing me this?” I ask.

“Look at Aliah.” Was all he said.

I turn around looking in her direction. Joy circled around, happiness, nothing sad, nothing scary, except the darkness. It was as if she was still a child inside. That couldn’t have been though, I sensed strength in her. I could feel this strength radiate off of her. It was not possible.

“That is literally impossible Bill.”

“No, it means someone with the mind of a child is well, inside her. The presence of it is at least.” He explains.

“Aliah wouldn't let that happen, she is amazingly strong, in her own sci-fi obsessed way.”

A scream erupts from our left, and Aliah collapses. Time continues again as we rush to her side. Green electric mist sprays from her mouth and nose, and encases the air around us. A thrashing gargled sound encases us with the mist and we see Elijah standing.

Fear etched on his face as he runs to Aliah dropping next to her, whispering a calming charm. She tenses up and relaxes.

“What the heck did you do to her Sarin?” He question more anger laced into his voice.

I didn’t do anything! She was possessed just as Bill was! It was not my fault. I can’t help what happens to them. I wish I could but I can’t! Okay? Just because you’re to cocky about your battling, doesn’t mean you need to blame me for everything. Just because you didn’t become the new trainer, doesn’t mean everything that’s bad that happens is my fault!” I begin to become angered again.

“I’m not cocky, I’m more advanced than you are! You’re just a replacement, until I finish!” He begins but I soon cut him off from saying anything else.

“From finishing what? Training? Gastrin is dead Elijah. I am his successor, who will you train with? What are you supposed to finish? If you can’t tell Elijah, I’ve had private lessons with him. I know everything he knew, I knew what he thought of you, me, Aliah, and Bill.” I say, slightly raising my voice.

Then it happens I can’t breath. It felt like my lungs were on fire, the fire was constricting me. I couldn't move, breath, or even think straight. I force myself into concentrating. The surrounding world fading into darkness. I am fading in and out when three faces appear above mine. Screams surround me driving me crazy.

“You should not be here.” A scratchy ghost like voice whispers.

“I-I don’t know how I got here.” I feel chains around my entire body constricting me as my lungs were before.

I hear a blood curdling scream and a terrifying laugh echo throughout the chamber. Screams surround me again irritating blood curdling screams. All of a sudden CRUSH! I Scream out in agony as the chains tighten around me. Squeezing me until my bones are broken. Every part of me is aching, while at the same time numb. A scream rips through my body and gets stuck in my throat as it happens again.

I sit up, heaving and covered in sweat. Elijah was next to me a worried expression on his face, and Aliah and Bill opposite of him. The same look plasters their face. I look around taking in my surroundings and realize it was the same as before.

“I’m o-okay.” I heavily heave out.

“Are you sure? The scream you made was of pure agony. As if you were dying slowly.” Aliah speaks up. Authority in her tone, and strength radiating off of her.

“I’m fine.” I manage once again.

Eventually, Aliah and Bill stand up and begin to walk away. The surroundings again remind me of the recent fight and pain.

I begin to sit up, and once again the words echo through my mind.

“Hey, careful there.” His voice echoes into my mind swirling.

Immediately I turn to look at him. My heart drops, my stomach flips as I realize that he was in the same way as earlier. Sword flat against the ground, and him only a few inches his legs crossed. The fire crackling and burning between us. I take a sharp breath and try to remember what I had said before.

“W-What happened?” I ask. Gasping realizing I just spoke the same words from before and I soon realize what is about to happen. I quickly change the topic onto what I know needs to be done.

“Listen Elijah, I really need to tell you something before you find out in a terrible way. I” I stop and take a breath trying to calm my know raging nerves.

“I’mprivatelytrainingwithGastrinandI’llbehissuccessornotyou!” I say as quickly as I can not bothering to breath or slow down for him to fully understand.

“Wait, wait, slow down, and take a breath. Are you good?” He asks, his fading British accent asks. He has lived here for so long, The States fade your accent terribly. However, the fact that he and I are always conversing, it comes out a lot. I shake my head of my thoughts, and focus on the subject at hand.

“Listen Elijah, Gastrin and I have been working for a while with training.” I pause to take a deep breath gaining a bit more confidence.

“I know Sarin, we train together, remember?” He laughs a bit at the end as if it was obvious.

“Not that way Elijah, Gastrin’s successor…it’s me. I have been privately trying with him. He showed me everything after my father died. I have learned so much while trying with him. He was like my father.” I state calm and quietly.

“Wh-Why didn’t he tell? He has been working with me longer than all of you. I don’t get it.” He says, a small glint of anger rises in his voice but soon dissolves. “Does this mean I’m not going to succeed him?”

“I don’t know Elijah, but I needed to tell you before you realized this on your own. I still look up to you though, I’m never going to see myself better then you. You are still so much more in battle.” I say before I’m cut off by him hugging me. I was lost in his hug, then the comments come. Before I can even move Aliah and Bill are commenting immensely.

“Woah, watch out Aliah. What happened, did we miss something?” The comments flood us, Elijah looks in my direction and we silently agree.

“What happened to us?” I began.

“Yeah you and Aliah are always off somewhere by yourselves.” Elijah and I continue.

“Is there something you should tell us?” I laugh, but quickly try to wipe away the laugh.

“Wh…” Bill is cut off by our comments.

“Aliah is there something?” Elijah questions, laughing harder than I.

Bill and Aliah eventually join in laughing. They are all laughing as a shock explodes through out the area. The trees wilt and our bodies collapse, pain is darting though us and everyone is shaking uncontrollably. Bill’s body is literally steaming, smoke raises and pours out of his body.

Aliah is writhing as screams erupt from her twisting body. She lifts up off the ground as a green aura encases her. Just as Bill was, steam pours from her nose, eyes, and lips. My brain shocks as another image floats around my mind. I collapse, dreaming of the image. The image that would soon become reality. The image of us burning by the hands of our most trusted.


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279 Reviews


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Mon Feb 01, 2016 8:06 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello!

It doesn't seem this novel has any other chapters, so if it does, do tell me. I'm confused at what is happening so far. Who the narrator referring to when they say "he"? If you say somebody is someone, use their name or gesture on later in the chapter whom that person might be. For all we know, the "he" could be an old man with a knife, scars all over his face or something. You have to add a light to a shadow to really see what is in the dark. As for continuing reading on, the reader can predict that "he" is Elliot.
Another thing is the action. For me, writing action is a hard thing. However, it can be as easy as 1-2-3. For one, know when and where the action should take place. Describe the place in simple steps. The action needs to have some imagery, too. Another thing is it has to feel real by making some of the steps very very simple. You seem to do this nicely in the beginning- it kinda has that dramatic, suspenseful feeling to it.

“Maledictus”

“Cursed” I muttered to my self


In my opinion, starting a chapter with dialogue without even specifying who said it kinda doesn't make sense. If to start a chapter with dialogue be sure to make a correct notation to let the reader know, "Oh, this character is talking!" instead of wondering "Who is talking? o-o" It'll make the story flow nicely and make more sense. Don't forget to add my and self as myself, also. ;)
You seem to have a lot of description throughout this chapter. There's a lot of repetition as well which can cause some confusion when the reader might read it. Try going back and re-reading some parts of this to actually think "Oh, I didn't mean to repeat this." and fix it. ^^

I also liked the character interaction in this chapter- like really much. It seems raw and relatable to everyday situations. It adds to the plot and the storyline.

Overall, I really liked this chapter and hope you continue on with this novel. I see some potential in this. If you continue to finish this novel, do tag me next time?

If you like me to go over anything, let me know!

Steggy




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Mon Oct 26, 2015 9:51 pm
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Oh my gosh! The ending! So exciting! So cliff-hanger-y! Yaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!! (Can you tell I like your story here?)

Ok, ok, really, really, really good. I loved how you used just enough description for your scenes so it wasn't too overwhelming or too little. The words you used weren't the ordinary ones (like fall, said, etc.), which made your story really exciting.

I really had to keep reading faster, and feaster, and faster, and faster because I REALLY needed to know what happens next.

I really liked all of the action you had here. And your characters are really good. I really can't wait to see how the rest of the story unfolds. It's just so awesome!




But............. I've noticed errors with your dialogue.
Here's an example:

'“I’m fine.” I manage once again.'

'I'm fine' should have a comma instead of a period.


Also....
'“What the heck did you do to her Sarin?” He question more anger laced into his voice.'
'He' should be lower cased.
On another note, (I do believe that you're writing in past tense, correct me if I'm wrong) 'question' might need to be 'questioned'.

There are a few more, small errors like this scattered around your text.



Again, really, really good! I've got nothing bad to say about this text, really, it's just so good! I don't know how it can get better than this, but I wouldn't be surprised if it did!

-Holographic Ladybug






Thank you so much for the review! I am so happy that you like it. I am writing in past tense, you are right. Once again, thank you for the review!

~PerfectWeapon





You're welcome! :)




Some books should be tasted, some devoured, but only a few should be chewed and digested thoroughly.
— Francis Bacon