I have read about this Australia. Lonely and alone on its broad continent. The stacks shuck vapours into the unshaped white sky, building into clouds. And he says 'You wouldn't think the sky could hold so much' and then it rains. The coast is tropical, but the west is monsoon and the roads clot and disintegrate as we drive through the hills. These hills which rise and fall into one another, constant with rock face and trees. I can't imagine the creeks we pass being rapid with flotsam. They are so Australian, the desert waiting to be filled.
I see gums with roots so long they should be deep, lying in the darker ground, upturned in the recent storm. Was there a storm that could flick trees from their soils but keep the creeks dry? How hard can the wind blow, that pushes the semi in front against the gutter. Speeding 50 over the limit, the heart constricting. How fast can you run to avoid the drops hitting the hood? There's nothing waiting now.
But home.
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
I'm sorry Penguin, I'm not very good with poems, but I will say that I liked this. Everyone else has seemed to post their own great reviews, and they're more knowledgeable on the subject than I am. I wish you the best.
Are you Australian?
Hello, Cailey here with your review!
I like it, although in my mind it seemed not so poetical. It was nice, but I think it's more proselike than poetry. I mean, maybe I just don't really know what makes a poem a poem.
I think poetry has more imagery, though prose has description.
And I think poetry is more emotion based, where prose is story based.
This seemed more like prose.
Anyway, I don't have very much reviewing.
I did see you wrote: "How fast can you run to avoid the drops hitting the hood?" When I see hood I think of hood of a car. But you're saying run, which implies a person running with their feet. So do you mean drive? Or hood as in a person's jacket hood? It isn't clear which way you're going, but you can't really go both ways.
Also, who is this he? You say you read about Australia at the very beginning, but then the rest of the poems sounds like you're in Australia with a guy. So that was a bit confusion.
Otherwise, fantastic piece, I liked it, I enjoyed it very much.
Hope this review helped you.
There should be a 'Pengu has posted a poem!' notification just for me.
Title: Lots of lovely connotations here that have me questioning if the 'we' is you and Australia or you and the male figure or both at the same time. Or perhaps Australia is the male figure? Lots to think about!
Lines I'm not so sure about
These hills which rise and fall into one another, constant with rock face and trees. <<< I like how this line starts out but it's less poetic or beautiful than the others. That 'constant with rock face and trees' is somehow not right. I feel there perhaps should have been a metaphor here or just... something else. Sorry my love, I'm not being of much help!
Was there a storm that could flick trees from their soils but keep the creeks dry? <<< Just a small quibble here! I think 'keep' should be 'leave'. That would be awesome.
How hard can the wind blow, that pushes the semi in front against the gutter. <<< This one is a bit of a mouthful and it took me a couple of reading to really be able to picture it/ understand what you're saying. Maybe try: 'How hard can the wind blow, that pushes the semi out front, into the gutter' then again this might just be a British vs Australian way of speaking and perhaps all you need is a comma after 'front'.
How fast can you run to avoid the drops hitting the hood? <<< I love the ambiguity of this. My first thought was something running and it raining and their hood getting soaked. Then of course I realised hood, semi. Hood of a car and the surealness of running instead of driving and this whole mesh together of images and thoughts. I like that.
Lines I like
Everything else.
I find this is so simple and accessible and yet so wide and uncomprehending at the same time! There's so much here that leaves me with questions but at the same time I feel satisfied. I feel as though I've no need to reach out beyond what is here.
Other than these few tweeks I have nothing to give you. I love the prose-poetry style and I love the quiet way this just rumbles through, like a rain cloud. There's something so natural about the way you write and even though I only get vague glimpses of the whole picture, what I do see is just so stunning.
I wish I could give you more than this,
Heather xxx
Pengu!
I really enjoyed this work, probably more than you know. I liked this as a prose poem, personally. I think the essence of this work is more prosaic anyways, which is good, because we get a good sense of the speaker this way. The tone actually evokes familiarity with the place, which is lovely - but I'm not sure if that's intended, just from the opening line "I have read about this Australia" seems to conflict with this idea. I'm not sure if the speaker is an outsider, as that line seems to suggest, or if the speaker is from Australia, which seems to be what the tone is going for.
Then again, maybe this poem is talking about a particular place apart from Australia. This Australia. Rather than, well, someone else's idea of Australia. If this is the case, maybe emphasize it? If not, well - it was thought provoking all the same.
The images by the by are fantastic. It's all very visual. I love the last line. I also love this:
I just think it's beautiful. A simplistic line, yet it carries so much meaning. This poem too, it reads simplistically, like a photograph or a postcard almost, until we get to those last couple of lines about the semi, which I think you transitioned to quite seamlessly.
One thing I will say, who are the pronouns addressed? Who is the speaker in this? Who is the "you" ?
The "And we met" is also confusing here. Especially the tenses. It seems to be past tense, and yet the rest of the poem is in present tense. Personally, I don't even think the line is needed, since it's also the title. But if you put it there, it must have a purpose, and this is the part that confuses me. If I'm to go by what is written, "we" can be the speaker and Australia. But my mind wants to think that there's a third person addressed. The "he" who talks about the rain. In which case, the "and we met" actually means more than I originally thought it did.
It's confusing too, later on, when talking about the semi. There's this line:
I believe "you" in this case is referring to the driver, but is it the same "he" mentioned above? Is it a different person? Is this the person the speaker once met?
I interpreted this line to mean that life for that person just stopped. No more driving through Australia scenery for him/her(?). But that the people who are at home still wait for them. That makes me kind of sad.
Of course, I could be totally off. So overall, I loved it for what it does, it certainly intrigued me and evoked some sadness. Maybe needs some clarification? Hope this helps.
~ as always, Audy
Okay, well, first of all I found this very lyrical and beautiful. I got some lovely mental images from it, and you have some great phrases here.
However, I personally would like to see this separated into lines and stanzas. I realize that prose poetry is kind of "in" right now, but to me it just lacks the emphasis that normal poetry has. By breaking a piece into lines, you can place more emphasis and importance on certain phrases. For example, I think "I have read about this Australia" would work really well as a single line. Of course, that's all a preference and something you can decide for yourself, but it's just my suggestion.
There are also a few mechanical issues.
"Lonely and alone on it's broad continent." - seems a bit redundant due to "lonely" and "alone" together in the same line, plus it should be "its," not "it's." "It's" is "it is."
"And he says 'You wouldn't think the sky could hold so much.' and then it rains." - I would say, either get rid of the period after "so much" or capitalize the second "and."
"floatsam" - spelled "flotsam."
"Was there a storm that could flick trees from their soils, but keep the creeks dry?" - No comma in this line.
"There's nothing waiting now.
But home."
I would say, no period after "now" - it chops the sentence up too much.
Other than these few mechanical issues and my personal preferences, however - great imagery and a beautiful poem.
~Blue
Hi Penguin! I'm here to review your work!
Okay, let us start off with a bit of the good, then some bad (if there is any), and then last of the good so we end on a good note.
You have beautiful description giving Australia an otherworld-liness. "I have read about this Australia. Lonely and alone on its broad continent" "I see gum with roots so long they should be deep, lying in the darker ground, upturned in the recent storm" You never lose the reader for a second because you make the reader hang on to every word, seeing the world from your point of view. Some people might say that a lot of people do that but you have described it in such clarity and detail that its hard for the poem to end.
I'm sorry, but I'm going to point some stuff I didn't like as much out (remember: I said as much!). I didn't enjoy as much the way you made your lines. They seem to go on forever and the first line I wondered if it was a story or a poem. You don't want to do that. I need to know its a poem. It is interesting and original, but if you could just shorten it, maybe a bit? It might just be me. One other thing is I don't understand the part when you wrote "And we met" but I might not supposed to get it fully, to keep me wondering. Who are you talking about? Australia? Hm.
Alright, one last good thing for sugary sweetness ^_^ is that I love how you put questions in the poem "Was there a storm that could flick trees from their soils, but keep the creeks dry?" "How fast can you run to avoid the drops hitting the hood?" Very nice.
I can see you loved or enjoyed Australia a lot and I thank you for sharing your experience!