Young Writers Society

Hi! Just stopping by fora quick review.

I'm glad you posted some poetry, even though you're new. It's actually really good, so give yourself a pat on the back.

The first piece of criticism I have is that the poem is all one stanza, and that one stanza is very long. I would definitely try to break up the piece into a few smaller stanzas in them. Maybe you could break up each stanza based on where the periods are. For example:


Ghastly shadows dance past the windows,

Dark faces looking in.


Deep moans echo from the hall,

And the terrors start to creep in.


Light is simply an attractant,

Like a fire on top of a hill.


The world is covered in darkness

And is quite a bit too still.


One single floor board is all it takes,

To set the monsters on your trail.


So pray you aren't awake

When they ring their haunting bell.


Sleep may be your only friend so do hope that it takes you

Before the demons find your skull

And endlessly seek to break you.

I would also break the line "Sleep may be your only friend so do hope that it takes you" into two. For example:

"Sleep may be your only friend
so do hope that it takes you"

It seems to flow a lot more smoothly since the lines before and after it are shorter. Another thing I would play around with is word choice. You have some very powerful images, but I want to be able to feel the fear and the terror that you're describing. Use words that will provoke very powerful emotions, and the piece will be even better than it already is.

I hoped this helped you a bit. Keep up the good work. Can't wait to see what else you write!

E

Hey, here for a review.

I haven't reviewed since the beginning of summer so bear with me!

Right off the bat, I'm not a fan of the bolded repeated title as the "first line". It doesn't add anything for me and it's not needed because you also have a title.

Next thing that I noticed was that there are no stanzas. Stanzas help make a poem more appealing to the eye and allows you to group ideas and thoughts together. An example of a way you can add stanzas would be

Ghastly shadows dance past the windows,

Dark faces looking in.

Deep moans echo from the hall,

And the terrors start to creep in.


Light is simply an attractant,

Like a fire on top of a hill.

The world is covered in darkness

And is quite a bit too still.


One single floor board is all it takes,

To set the monsters on your trail.

So pray you aren't awake

When they ring their haunting bell.


Sleep may be your only friend so do hope that it takes you

Before the demons find your skull

And endlessly seek to break you.

Hi PeculiarMind! Whatchamacallit here for a review.

First off, I see you're new here, so welcome! If you have any questions, feel free to ask

Right, onto the review!

Ghastly shadows dance past the windows,
Dark faces looking in.
Deep moans echo from the hall, 
And the terrors start to creep in. <-- the repetition of in at the end of two lines is a bit off. Like you're trying to rhyme the same word, if that makes sense? Instead, you could try something like, ''and the terrors grip you, uninvited.''
Light is simply an attractant, <-- I feel like there's a better word for this than ''attractant'' - lure, perhaps? Or signal, because a fire on top of a hill is more of a signal.
Like a fire on top of a hill.
The world is covered in darkness 
And is quite a bit too still. <-- nothing else rhymes except for ''hill'' and ''still''. I would recommend either rhyming throughout, or using different words that don't rhyme here.
One single floor board is all it takes,
To set the monsters on your trail.
So pray you aren't away 
When they ring their haunting bell. <-- ''so pray you aren't away''. Shouldn't you pray you are away? Or is it a typo, did you mean 'awake'? It may be me, or a typo, but I find this confusing.
Sleep may be your only friend so do hope that it takes you <-- you don't have to, but with the sleep thing, you could diverge off into nightmares, so that sleep isn't, in the end, a refuge. But, that's up to you.
Before the monsters find your skull 
And endlessly seek to break you. <-- again, the repetition of ''you'' at the end of the line annoys me, though it may be me.