Lukas was locking the basement door when the radio buzzed. Agatha had said she heard footsteps outside, and it was better safe than sorry, they had agreed. Ever since Lukas and his mother had begun abetting Agatha and her family in hiding from the Nazis last summer, it was difficult to relax. The war, in his opinion, had begun on Kristallnacht, which Lukas felt like he had experienced four times after listening to Agatha’s numerous and intricate accounts of the horrifying experience she had had. He had just heard another one of her play-by-plays of the daring escape she and her brother had used to evade an especially agile Nazi fanatic screaming about the jewish filth. (“And then, through the tumultuous sash, smoke, and panic, Felix and I leapt off the sill of the window and into an open grate, narrowly missing the dastardly man’s grip!”) When Agatha supposedly heard the steps, he ushered her into the basement where her brother and father were waiting, playing a game of chess. He breathed a sigh of relief when the footsteps passed. Must have been old Frau, he thought. Mum always says that one day her heels will shatter under her weight.
He was about reopen the basement and query Agatha about a game of checkers when the radio spurred to life. The old thing only played one station, a classical music mixture, and Mum always turned it up loud during Nazi inspections, to drown out hard breathing a floor below. He jumped when the radio coughed dust, and began to spew a strained-sounding voice. “Attention! We have learned that the enemy is plotting to bomb the Aldorf area! Please take suitable measures!” The radio sputtered, hacked one last dust wad, and began to sleepily play Bach once again.
Lukas didn’t need to be told twice. He and his mother had made a plan in case this occurred. Mum had grabbed him and told him the drizzly night the plan had been made was one of the most important nights of his life. Her desperate words rang in his ears as he dashed to the closet. “ Lukas, this plan is jolly good and all, but it is all on paper. Mark my words, there will be a day when you must use this plan, and I may not be able to assist you. But, to make this work, you must never, ever divert from this plan. Improvisation is what killed your father, back in the Great War. I can’t lose you. Please, promise me you will always follow this plan. Always.” She had said the whole thing very quickly, and he had nodded his head nervously. His mother had never scared him like that before, and he knew she was right.
He flung open the wardrobe and grabbed a multitude of coats and scarves. The weather was balmy now, but it was April, the most unpredictable month of the year. Plus, the weatherman had said that 1940 was to be very cold, chillier than usual. Lukas blew open the basement door, whisper-yelled about the impending bombing, and tossed Felix, Agatha, and Benjamin, their father the coats. “Hide your faces.” He heard himself croak, in a sort of shock. “Mum should be here by now. I’ll check the factory. It’s only a short run from here.” Agatha looked shocked. “No, you can’t make it. There will be a big congregation of people everywhere; it’ll slow you down! What will happen to us if you don’t come back?” Lukas steeled himself. “Adelaide can take you in. She has a big house. Mum may be hurt; I can’t just leave her to be blown to bits! Just get to Bruno’s shelter and wait for me. If I’m not back in ten, lock the blast doors. “ Then, without giving Agatha time to argue, he sprinted out the door.
Agatha felt tears swim in her eyes. Lukas could never make it out of the factory time, especially with the added time of trying to find his mother. She began to yell, but Felix quickly clapped a hand over her mouth. “Let’s just go. You couldn’t change his mind anyway.” Agatha tearfully nodded, and tucked he blonde curls into the hood of her coat. They ran as fast as their legs would allow, toting cans of food on their pockets and loading their arms. Influxes of people were streaming into Bruno’s carrying donations of their own. Agatha dropped her cans of yam into a lumpy potato sack that would be lugged down by one of the older men after everyone else went down. Everyone would be allottedfour cans of food, if there were enough. She had a bit of trouble seeing through the salty water that refused to leave her eyes, and nearly slipped on the rotting ladder twice. Once she reached the bottom, they began to roll down her cheeks. One for Lukas, another for his mother. The last for her own mum, trapped in that awful ‘concentrating camp’. She wished dearly that the planes decided to call it a day and go bomb somewhere else. But, deep down, she knew that it could not be true.
Fifteen minutes later, Bruno closed the blast doors, in spite of many arguments from Agatha. He had apologized, but said that he could not risk forty-seven people over the life or one. Agatha had once again begun to yell when a faint zzzmmmm could be heard. The underground chamber went dead silent, as the sounds of the bomb-carrying biplanes got louder. “Get low.” Bruno dared to whisper. Agatha used the ground as her pillow, shut her yes tight, and the first bomb shook the earthen floor.
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139,453 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hi.
This is a dark story but that is to be expected with the content, but the way it was written helped add to the dark nature of it. The way the narrative plunges straight into the story at the beginning is good to get the action going and the reader interested.
The feel of the writing when it's read sounds almost musical and there is a strong emphasis on the physical sense of horror in the plot.
Well written and handled carefully.
Beautiful story,with plenty of details and lots of suspence and wonder.
very few mistakes only a few spelling errors,but no matter because its a great Short story.
Also make sure to fix the historical errors like helicopters in 1940's,used for bombing?Not true.
I love how you descibed everything in detail and had some interesting facts.
beautiful for a story begging or prolouge,also works great for a cliffhanger ending.
very dramatic and good wrighting! I wonder if you could go in to a little more depth in telling Agatha's, Felix's and Benjamin's story and what happened before. I like how you started in media res.
Hi PebbleToad,
I'm only going to talk about historical inaccuracies in this review. I will leave the critique about your actual writing to others.
Nazi Admiral being involved in the Kristallnacht - very very unlikely. There were no "official" participants. It would have been SA forces and civilians involved, more undercover than obviously in naval uniform. Most reports suggests the rioters on Kristallnacht were in civilian clothes. This threw me out of the story immediately as I knew how inaccurate it was.
The radio broadcast about a bombing - this would be much shorter and to the point e.g. "The enemy bombers are presently in the Altdorf area." The second part would not need to be said - people would know what to expect to do. There would also be sirens, which you did not mention.
I'm not sure where your Altdorf is (as there are several in Germany), but the British only bombed limited land targets west of the Rhine prior to May 1940. As your story is set in April 1940 Altdorf would have to be a town west of the Rhine, and also near specific targets such as roads and railways. It was not until later that the Strategic Bombing Command began targeting civilian cities.
Furthermore, British bombing raids only happened at night at this stage. American bombers would later use the day to bomb targets (incurring huge casualties). This story is happening in the day time (as people are working) so this is inaccurate, as there would be no British bombings at this time of the day.
It's concentration camp, not concentrating camp. The latter sounds like somewhere you should send kids who can't remember details from History class...
Helicopters were still an experimental vehicle in 1940 and very rare. They were used a little in WWII but they were few and far between. They were not used for bombings - helicopters have never been used for bombings. What you want to describe is the drones of the planes above, rather than the sound of a helicopter!
Hope this helps when redrafting - it's okay to get historical facts wrong in your first draft, but they're unbelievably important in the final one.
Hello,
I just wanted to say that your book is really good (In my love for WW 1&2) Now for the Advice:
1) I really love your writing style but try to have good grammar. (I'm not very good at that also)
2)"Everyone would be allottedfour cans of food, if there were enough." in this sentence you missed a space. It should now look like this "Everyone would be allotted four cans of food, if there were enough."
Thanks and I really loved your book. I hope some of these tips will help you.
Number 1: I like that you chose to do it about the Germans. Maybe The Book Thief had some inspiration behind this?
Number 2: I am very picky with writing style, and every review I've written, I've said SOMETHING about the writing style. Crazy, right? I think some of the sentences can be rephrased into more elegantly shaped phrases. I like the ending. I think this story (and other stories) have potential, just trim around the edges. I really do think you're good. Keep going at it. Good luck!
Helllo! Kam here to review your lovely little piece!
I'll start off with some grammar/spelling mistakes, followed by my opinion and lastly, what could be improved upon!
1) Grammar/ spelling
paragraph 5: where Agatha is speaking of who will be allowed food and how much, you are missing a space between(...Everyone would be ALLOTTEDFOUR) allotted and four.
When Agatha is beginning to cry, you split up the sentence even though it isn't really necessary(..one or Lukas, another for his mother. The last for...) That period can be replaced with..say...'and a final one for her mother...'.
Paragraph 6:
There is a comma in the sentence with the helicopter blades that is unnecessary (..went dead silent, as the helicopter....)
the very last paragraph, you misspell of..(...forty-seven people over the life OR one...), you put or instead of OF.
very last sentence, Agatha is shutting her eyes. But you put ("...used the ground as her pillow, shut her YES tight,...") instead of eyes you have yes, so just a quick fix to that should do
I think that's it for grammar/ spelling!
2)My opinion
So, in all honesty, I really do enjoy the entire story. It is riveting and exciting and bitter-sweet as well, and ended all too soon. I love the way you word things and your wide vocabulary. The story is very well written and accurate I think. Though I am pretty sure helicopters were not used to drop bombs, more so it was planes, or so I see online! Maybe look into that more?
I like the topic of the story, because not very many people like to talk about loss or how there were Germans who hid the Jews, or the side of the Jews at all. It is a very unexplored topic.
3) Improvements
Like i said before, look into the helicopter business and see if it was used to actually drop bombs. The first helicopter wasn't invented till 1937 so I'm not sure it was widely used for such a thing, especially since bombs were heavy.
Lengthen or add onto the story. You leave us all hanging! Where is Lukas? Is he okay? Is his mum dead? Are they both dead? Whats gonna happen with Agatha after they leave the shelter? Also, how did noone know her family were Jews? Wouldn't they realize, or even question, when a new family was among them?
So many questions!!
Okie, thats it for this, have a good day and keep writing!