Published October 24, 2006
When I called
You did not come,
You chose to sit,
Made me feel glum.
When I cried,
You could not see,
Why I was letting,
It all get to me.
When I begged,
You did not understand,
Why I was making,
A silly demand.
When I tried,
You did not listen,
Even when we had
Our baby to christen.
When I reached out,
You were not there,
You didn’t even,
Seem to care.
When I was nearing
the end,
You couldn’t be bothered
To be my friend.
When I sat,
Taking the pills,
You went out,
To get your thrills.
When I died,
You were sorry then,
You, all of you,
Stupid fucking men.
Some of the rhyming in this is a bit dodgy, I know, suggestions anyone?
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People are saying they don't like the ending, but I thought it was the best bit! Where as bits through out the poem were a bit wishy washy, I thought the ending was really dramatic and finished it off nicely. I quite like the whole thing, but bits need a bit of work.
The poem lacks rythm,and lacks perfection.
Begining was more or less good but the ending was bit something like rude/harsh.
Keep writing,u have lots to learn.
Peacefulgirl27--
Try writing poetry when not in a state of REM sleep. Really. It does nothing for you or your language. Junk this.
Best,
Brad
Like Elizabeth said, if rhyming sounds bad, then don't rhyme. It seriously degrades interesting ideas. Unless you're writing a children's rhyme or you're really really good (I have seen a few serious poems that rhymed well), don't focus on the rhyme. Focus on the flow. Focus on interesting, original, imagery (that doesn't totally lose your audience).
Keep writing!
When you simply say "the end,", it sounds a bit wierd to me. It seems out of place to me, I'm not sure why.
Also they're^^ right, the word "fucking" is very out of place and is a bit too cruel.
Oh and I noticed you're new, welcome!
Pandora
No no, it's perfectly alright to say 'fuck' (or any other swear word) in a literary piece (or your blog).
Anyways, on the poem - it feels rather simplistic (probably due to the short lines and simple rhyming scheme).
Isnt that wird against the rules
*shields eyes*
Well can't give that much of a useful critique at the moment but I'll come back..
It's who I am and I don't judge but the word fucking doesn't suit this piece... no matter how cruel it seems. Considering your name IS peacefulgirl... lol
If the rhyming is dodgy, then don't rhyme.
The ending was a bit cruel, personally, I like men
Change that and when I have more time I'll be back.