Published September 3, 2013
“One-hundred-and-eighty-days.”
Each syllable pronounced and with care and exactness. A sweet, flowery smile sprang onto the kindergarten teachers face. “That is exactly how long our school year will be! This will be so exciting, children!”
180 days?!?! No, that’s too long!
I try to count it in my head: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 3, 6, 7, 3, 1… WHAT IS AFTER TEN? Oh gosh, 180 is so high that I can’t even count to it. I will be all old and gross and weird by the time I finish kindergarten!
That can’t be! Why?!?! I have barely sprung into life and then there’s SCHOOL! There is no possible way I can keep this dreadful news to myself, so I lean over to the girl next to me, Jenna.
I whisper, “You know, by the time we finish kindergarten, we’ll all be old and gross and weird, right?”
A sharp gasp, indicating that she has probably taken the news quite hard. There’s hyperventilation and finally the sobs.
“Jenna?” the teacher looks over, smile still etched onto her face, “What’s wrong, sweetie?”
“WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!” is screamed. This alone sends the entire kindergarten population into a mass frenzy of confusion, tears, and most terrifyingly: boogers. Fast as, well, as fast as they could possibly be, the doors close with a hiss, and the fog starts rolling in. The teachers already have their protective suits on and mechanical claws reach down from the ceiling and gingerly drop cookies into the grasping hands of the children. Pretty soon, the snarling stops, munching on cookies is heard and, the entire kindergarten population is snoring.
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139,242 Literary Works • 672,522 Reviews
Haha, reading this, I found the perspective adorable! You conveyed the innocence of the character well. However, there are a few places where the meaning of what you were trying to say wasn't quite clear. Like:
“Each syllable pronounced and with care and exactness. A sweet, flowery smile sprang onto the kindergarten teachers face. “That is exactly how long our school year will be! This will be so exciting, children!”
Shouldn't it be, "SHE pronounced each syllable WITH care and exactness"? Also, you might want to add punctuation to when you write "kindergarten teachers." It should be "teacher's." And, as Change has already pointed out, you should cut out the "and" before "with care and exactness."
Then there's:
"A sharp gasp, indicating that she has probably taken the news quite hard. There’s hyperventilation and finally the sobs."
It should either be: "She gave a sharp gasp, indicating..." or "A sharp gasp indicates..."
Finally:
"“WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!” is screamed."
Shouldn't it be, " "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" she screams."?
The ending made me laugh. Protective suits? I didn't know Kindergarten could be sci-fiction-y. I was reading this right now, and just went all shrilly: "this is so cute!" My friend thought I'd finally cracked. Hehe.
I don't get your title though. How is it a Prose poem? I mean... aren't poems a little different? With line breaks and such?
But I love this story anyway!
Keep writing!
~Pompadour
Oh wow, I didn't even notice all those typos! Thanks so much! I didn't write this til maybe the day before the "assignment" (quotes cuz this assignment was jsut kinda thrown at me-- English teacher: GO FORTH MY PUPILS AND WRITE A PROSE POEM. Me: Uh, okay. And the only prose poem I had ever read was this realy crazy one about giant babies eating policemen... so... yeah.) so there are a WHOLE bunch f typos... Glad this made you laugh!
Hey! Review time
Just little suggestions.
Haha this is cute.
Wow, weird ending. Interesting story. I wouldn't call it poetry but it was cute. Even though I don't think kindergartners hate school yet cause they do fun things like nap, snack, and show and tell, but interesting take either way
Haha yeah, this assignment was kinda thrown at me by my English teacher...
AND OH MY JEEZ LOOK AT ALL THOSE TYPOS. Gotta fix that.
Great story! It was cute and was fun to read, although I feel like maybe you could have tweaked the ending. "WE"RE ALL GONNA DIE!" is a pretty big statement for a kindergartener, and I think that you could have used it to your advantage. You could use it to prove a point or enforce a deep message on the readers.
But that is just a suggestion, and you don't even need to adjust it if you don't want to! It is a great story and I really did laugh at the end!
Well done.
Haha I'm glad this made you laugh, you know, laughter is the best medicine. ;D I'm really not quite sure what this was supposed to be, I wasn't trying to send a message, though.
Thank you for taking your time to write this review!
Hey, this is Rylee for a review.
This is a really cute story, but there were a couple things that needed changing. On the bright side, though, it's mostly just small clean-up things.
Again, this was a really cute STORY. I didn't really think it was a prose poem, because I've always thought of prose poetry as just poetry in a more prose-like form. (??) I'm not a hundred percent sure how to describe it, but to me it's rather like taking poetic devices and applying them to prose, using imagery and poetic language to describe something or to convey something.
I hope this helped: if not, PM me and I'll find some examples for you. Once again, so cute.
Keep Writing--
--Rylee
Thank you so much for taking your time to write this! Well, my English teacher basically just said, "GO WRITE A PROSE POEM." And didnt really expand on that... So... I kinda just wrote this.
And I'm sorry, but I have noooo idea what a PM is.
Hahahaha!!! *sigh* That was really good. I wasn't sure what you meant by 'prose poem', but after reading this, I don't care. That was really funny. Your words were really well-chosen, and you convey your message quite clearly. Not much to say except good job and keep it up!
Haha okay, thanks! I dunno, my English teacher just said,"GO WRITE A THING." (something along the lines) and "prose poem" was also thrown in there, and I tried. ^^'
Gotta love open-ended assignments.