A wanderer in the dark with a torch in his hand,
Looking for a place he belonged to, his native land.
Through the streets he had crossed, forgotten and left behind,
On that dry sand, his footprints had lived and died.
The houses stood tall but their mockery was taller,
Deafened by the echoes of their laughter, yet, the cries of his guilt were still louder.
Protecting his dying hopes from the whip of reality,
He ran towards nowhere, suffocated and almost losing his sanity.
Suddenly, a bright light shunned his gaze,
Guided by it, he landed up in a huge maze.
Mirrors of the past reflected his sins,
It casted shadows, shadows of the devil within.
He tried to flee but mercy was never given,
For this is life, he had to return to where it all began.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,535 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hi there Payalphuken! Niteowl here to review this poem.
So I'll start by summarizing my thoughts about the poem, then go into details. This poem shows the journey of someone attempting to return to who they were in the past by going back to the physical place where they were born and raised. However, it doesn't really work, as he is overwhelmed by guilt, madness, and sin. He wants to escape but at the end it states that he can't, alluding to the "circle of life".
The odd thing about this poem to me is that it almost feels like two different poems. The beginning feels very literal, with concrete imagery. But then it gets more surreal and the man falls into a metaphorical maze of his past and gets trapped there. Maybe the poem would feel more cohesive if there was more concrete imagery in the end to bring us back after that surreal detour.
Rhyme is one of those tricky devices. It can be really effective when done well, or it can seem really forced and drag a good poem down. The rhyming through most of this poem is good, but here the lines get long and unwieldy, and it doesn't really work. I would try to make these lines shorter, and also consider free verse in the future as you don't run into this problem.
Just want to say that this is such a good line. Like you could write a spinoff poem diving into this line alone if you wanted to.
For one thing, these lines don't rhyme. For another, they're sort of weak. It feels like a really explicit, Aesop-esque "moral of the story". Plus it feels a little rushed. Like we had this guy walking through his homeland feeling like a stranger, then he went through this weird rabbit hole with mirrors that show sins and shadows of the devil, and...then the story ends? This ties in to what I was talking about earlier, when I said that this would be a good place to put in some more concrete imagery. Bring us back to earth, and show us your overall message rather than just telling it.
Overall, this told a unique story and had some great lines. Welcome to YWS and keep writing!
Hey there, Payalphukan! Scythe here to do a review
This is some great work, especially for your first published work on the site so great job! There were some slight errors that I picked up on and I hope I can suggest some options to fix those.
First of all, I will start with the layout. I found a couple of issues with this; the italics. Is there a certain reason for why you've italicised the poem? There are times when a poem can be italicised, but it doesn't occur all of the time, rather there are certain instances when it can be used; e.g. certain words or phrases. It can sometimes be use for emphasis, such as when you're repeating a word, etc. Here is a website I found that may give you an example on when to use the technique: https://www.gsbe.co.uk/grammar-italics.html
There is also the layout structure to deal with. It's a poem, thus it should really be separated into stanzas. If you are unaware, stanzas are a group of lines which are the main body of the poem, they can be 2 or more lines long and generally produce information relevant to a section of what you're talking about, much like a paragraph in story writing or essays.
I'm no poetry expert though, so if you require further information, here is a link that would help: https://davehood59.wordpress.com/2013/0 ... eak-style/
Although, I am aware that there is a problem with the structuring of poems on the website (that really needs to be sorted out) so if that was the issue then I'm very sorry and I have no idea how to work around that. With one of my poems, I separated the stanza with a hyphen (-) to make it easier to read. If that would help, I would also suggest that
Lastly, there were some lines that felt too long for my liking. Whilst reading, it felt more like I was reading a story rather than a poem. That didn't apply just to the length of the lines, I did also feel like this certain poem would have fit far better as a short story; there was too much description.
For example:
Whilst the line was interesting, it felt and appeared too long. I would suggest breaking it down, it will not only make it easier to read but also it will look more attracting.
There ya' go! Hope some of this helped and I apologise if I was too mean with the structure, I'm not usually as nitpicky but I thought it would be better to give you real criticism as a new member! I do hope to read more of your work <3
- ScytheMeister
Hey there! Shey here for a quick review!
)
You have a nice poem here, and I've got a question and a couple of suggestions for it.
First, the question. What was the significance of italicizing the poem? If you ask me, it seems unnecessary, and unnecessary things shouldn't be in poetry. I'm not saying to get rid of it if there's a reason for it, but if not, then it is pointless and distracting. (If that sounds harsh, apologies. I have a problem with sounding warm and welcoming when reviewing.
Next is a comment on stanzas. You have such a cool poem, but the lack of stanzas takes away from it. One of poetry's major characteristics is it's unique paragraph layout, stanzas. Without them, you take away from the poem. In fact, you should experiment with a lot more formatting, because it's a great way to spice up your literature.
That's it for my review! I sincerely apologize if I came across as harsh. I really enjoyed this poem and found it really enjoyable. I just have a horrible habit of focusing on the (very few) bad things. Anyway, keep writing, because I look forward to seeing more from you!
-Shey
Hey Sheyren, Thank you so much for the review. I believe harsh words are necessary to help a person grow and therefore, I'll encourage you to abundantly use them(at least in my case)
To your question, there was particularly no reason for italicizing. Even I don't remember when and why I did that!
Thanks for pointing out about the stanzas. I agree with you and I shall definitely remember it next time. Thanks for your words again.