Fate, which is merely a self-constructed bridge for an opportunity, a chance, was never built. Perhaps next time, another lifetime, through different set of eyes, another roll of the die, something cliché like this story could be written. Rewritten. A happier ending, like how I would always-eventually end everything else:
'I'll see ya when I see ya.'
And, so it went:
She's standing, arms at her sides, sun-reflected eyes, face towards the corner street waiting for the bus. Modestly dressed, she pulls out her chapstick from her left jean pocket; she unconsciously puckers her lips. The bus pulls up with the ubiquitous exhaust fumes, dust, and the platitudes from the townsfolk. The bus pulls in to a complete stop as She hops on.
She flows down towards the back not even noticing the jerks of the bus accelerating towards the next stop. She sits, eyes out through the window, cars passing by like Her thoughts.
He's sitting on the curb, scratching at the bug bites, headphones in wanting to listen to hip-hop but reality is something more close to: Blood on the Tracks. He skips a song to Buckets of Rain as the bus merely slows down. He jumps in as the bus pulls off, almost falling. He gives a quick, embarrassed nod at the driver and moves toward the back.
He raises His head to see Her smiling, a post-giggle, and a quick but wonted gaze back out the window. And She knows, feels Him coming towards the empty seat but almost too slow, for another passenger takes the seat next to Her. Like something He should have said that one time, maybe earlier, He feels it, the feeling of a missed opportunity. He will sit alone.
Her stop arrives. As She climbs over the other passenger, She makes an effort to take another glance at Him, and just the same with a quick smile, she turns Her head out towards the exit.
He leads Her out with His eyes trying to make Her turn around once more.
He is back at the bus stop the following morning. Same time. He thinks She has a schedule and will be on that same bus with the same unfinished, potential thoughts of yesterday. He remembers Her 3 second glance. Those 3 seconds. The same type of 3 seconds one takes only to turn around, feeling the frightened gladness of that eye contact -- that last shared second.
She oversleeps thinking of the maybes from the other day, turning in Her bed in the night. She remembers His reddened face coming towards Her. What would He have asked? She smiles remembering His near fall, smiles from sharing that near fall, falling for that moment. She will run towards Her bus stop, hindsight of being late.
Couple days pass. The two haven't seen each other since the first meeting.
'Was it?' They both ask themselves. They would eventually come to a realization:
It was nothing, a mere missed connection. More so, They both had plans for the future before the encounter.
To live in the moment only to loathe the future is not what They want.
They would learn one of the cruelest of life's miseries: meeting the right person at the wrong time -- being in that vulnerable position of acutely being aware of the world yet being pained by it; feeling, experiencing the impossibility of the existence of nothing, of the fictitious love-at-first-sight. They would stop trying to find each other.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was a really interesting story...kind of expected to have this kind of sad ending there judging by the start of it and well looks like I was right...oh well..let's get into a bit more detail here shall we.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well...that's an interesting start....looks like we're talking about the various paths that time can take based on a roll of the dice of fate...hmm...well let's see where this is headed here...looks like it could be really interesting at any rate.
Well let's see how it goes...xD
Okay....pretty normal setting there being established right at the start, its looking like a pretty normal and standard setting...okay...pretty innocuous start there, not terribly interesting, not terribly boring either there.
OKay...well...this is interesting, she's just heading towards some place and then we're introduced to a he just hanging out in the rain...well I have a feeling I know where this story is going at any rate.
Ooooh...okay...well this is interesting...a missed opportunity...right after they made that eye contact..well..does fate have a twist left in it after all?
Well this little dance is going on nicely here so far...loving the way this is structured here at the moment.
Hmm...well this definitely has that classic romance story esque vibe to it however the seconds there being counted has me thinking its time for a little bit of a dice roll by fate here and it probably won't be favorable to this romance being a success.
Hmm...well...she's also thinking about him...but that oversleeping definitely looks like it will be preventing their meeting here.
Yup...fate has twisted that in the complete opposite direction here, all from a couple of small missed opportunities, well...that is quit true to how things tend to work.
Well...that's good advice there.
Well...that's ending on a bit of a sad note there, its painfully realistic but then also sounds a little bitter there almost, its just captured in a suuper negative way there at the end with that kind of closing statement.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall...a pretty decent story that we've got here. Well...at any rate, that's all I've gotta say here...soo...until next time.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Paulwjlee, hello and welcome to Young Writers Society! I know you must be acquainted with this site now, but really, just ask on my wall if you need help or need answering to any of your questions.
Just say La Parada. Then you'll be fine. Next is another common error, although you don't have to fix it. Abundances. That word, a mere ten-letter word, can send me to terrible tremor and tremblings. Oh, the horror! (Hehe, I'm just acting, no need to be scared.) You also may need an "a" before "different".
The title was nice, gave me a fiesta feeling. I just want you to capitalize it. Don't worry, it's a common mistake, so nobody blames you, but the sight of it sends me to pieces, and you don't want to harm a little eight year old, do you now?
"Perhaps next time, another lifetime, through different set of eyes..."
I also have more questions. Why is she capitalized, and did she actually flow through a bus? It makes me think she's some sort of spilled drink.
"The bus pulls in to a complete stop as She hops on.
She flows down towards the back not even noticing the jerks of the bus accelerating towards the next stop."
Sorry, Paul, but you need to write out those numbers. Can't leave them hanging, can you?
"He remembers Her 3 second glance. Those 3 seconds. The same type of 3 seconds one takes only to turn around, feeling the frightened gladness of that eye contact -- that last shared second."
The ending was sad, just as you promised, and I really think this was great. You depicted their feelings, and expressed their emotions. You can be a writer, just keep writing!
-wisegirl22
Excellent title! I really like the subject of this story: a missed chance, a lost meeting. The voice of your narrator is clear and consistent throughout the story. Good job.
A few suggestions:
The second part of this sentence seems a little out of place. First of all, are you supposed to be speaking in this story? I feel like this story is written by a narrator/speaker separate from you. And then you talk about what you would do... the story is about them. Secondly, the phrasing is a little confusing in "like how I would always-eventually end everything else." Hmmm... "always-eventually end"? either your punctuation or your language doesn't make sense. Did you mean "always--eventually--end"? Try getting rid of one of those adverbs, just leaving the other, if you leave the second part of the sentence in at all.
I'd suggest ending the sentence at "A happier ending." Or, change the second part to something like, "A happier ending, what we always create for ourselves in our dreams."
I agree with ArcticMonkey: "modestly dressed" doesn't show us what she's wearing at all. And within modestly dressed, there are still many styles of clothing that could give us insight into who she is, if you described what she was wearing more clearly.
This sentence is somewhat confusing and unclear--and the phrasing sounds awkward. Revise this maybe?
I don't mind the fragment; that's fine. I'd recommend, "A couple days pass." Or maybe even "A couple of days pass." "Couple days pass" just sounds a little strange, a little too abrupt.
I also agree with ArcticMonkey about not capitalizing the pronouns. It's awkward. It doesn't add anything to the story; it only makes us stop in surprise and furrow our brows, wondering why the word is capitalized....
Other than that, I don't have anything else. I didn't have very many nitpicks. Other than your pronoun capitalization, your grammar is good. I enjoyed the story; the theme was excellent. Keep writing!
~ jessiethought ~
Hiya, Paul!
So I'll start off with what I liked about the piece. My favourite part was the ending because I feel like it just summed up the whole thing quite well, and it became more clear what your message was with this. Generally, the idea is pretty cool, because not a lot happens in the actual story, but I can tell what you were trying to do with it.
I found this description not really suitable, because people have different ideas about what 'modestly dressed' means, so maybe it would be better to describe what she's actually wearing. Then the reader can come up with an opinion for themselves.
I found this piece to be quite rushed. I know the main point of this is the moral of it all, and fate. But I think you should stop and describe things on. What was the weather like? I know that can be seen as quite a boring this to talk about, but the weather can be something quite foreshadowing. It just generally brings up the atmosphere. What was the bus like? Were there lots of people?
Also, the introduction is quite short. We all have different ideas about fate, and the one shown here at the beginning was quite vague. I think it would be nice to hear a more personal idea about what you think about fate, and make it a bit longer.
There are two things about your sentences which I wanted to mention. Firstly, the beginnings are generally all the same. 'She this' and 'he that' is quite boring to read over and over again, I think you should mix it up a bit. Adding in some more descriptions will help with that.
Also, I didn't really like how you capitalised the pronouns here. It not only looked quite odd, but I think it just messes with the flow of the sentences, and it's not really needed.
The other thing about the sentences is the lengths of them. They're all quite long. You need some variation in them. When there's action-y bits, use shorter sentences. For example, the bits when they're exchanging eye contact, you should use some short sentences. It just makes it more all interesting to read.
I hope this helps. Feel free to ask me any questions or if you'd like another review on anything. Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x