Published July 2, 2009
'Twas nightfall in the kingdom of Xarifaa where young elf Tristan was stealthily climbing into a grubby unlocked window to William's Gemstone. He made his way in and scanned the room for anything that would spark his fancy. Tristan gazed into a glistening gem that was barricaded by the display glass. Just as he gingerly tried to remove the glass he heard a door creak; his pointed elf ears rose as he alertly looked to where the sound came from. Tristan saw that the sound of rusty door hinges came from the King's castle which was positioned a few meters next to William's Gemstone. Tristan saw an open luxury window where he saw two shadows in the candle light. He ran to place in the shadows so he won't be detected by anyone who passed. He listened to the dialogue between the two mysterious characters. One older voice exclaimed "What is your business at this late hour?" The other voice said in a louder more upset tone "This isn't your kingdom anymore." Tristan felt his heart pumping and his eyes widened. He heard a weapon being taken out of a sheathe. The voice of what Tristan assumed to be the King said "No! Please!" He heard the King release a muffled scream. Tristan heard the thud of the body hitting what sounded to be a wooden floor. Tristan heard the weapon being sheathed again and saw the muderer at the king's window as he vomited out of it. The murderer somehow distinguished Tristan through all the shadows and then ran out of Tristan's sight.
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139,610 Literary Works • 672,619 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...well I have to say before we get started, this particular piece here does need a bit of paragraphing done to it. As it is, its surprisingly not bad, the flow is actually somewhat good enough to work this way but splitting this up into at least two paragraphs to make things clearer would really make things so much better I think.
Moving past that little issue though, I'd say you've got yourself a pretty solid start here as far as this story itself is concerned. You've got a really neat sort of fight scene lined up here that does get your attention quite nicely and there's plenty of interesting information being subtly mentioned here that as readers we do start to wonder just where this may be going here.
Overall, this seems like it'd make for a decent start here...and since this is simply just the first part of a first chapter, the fact that its a little on the shorter side doesn't matter too much either. Besides that little paragraphing problem, I'd say we've got a pretty solid start here on this piece.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
i'm not the best at giving advice, but i'll try.
to me, there were a lot of short and choppy sentences. this one could be fixed by putting it like 'the voice of what tristian assumed to be the king said 'no please!' before he let out a muffled scream.
like i said, i'm not good at giving advice
also, i thought a lot of your sentences started with Tristian said, tristian heard, he said, he heard.
but i do like the idea of this story!
Luxury window? In my not-at-all-profesional opinion, I think this this is worded a little strangely. I agree with Paul_iii in the first comment that you use a rather lot of adjectives and adverbs. They're good things but a there's just too many of them for the first paragraph of a chapter. I don't know if a shop would really be a few meters from a King's castle, keep in mind castles would have gates and moats and huge lawns and the like. Maybe re-phrase that a little. Despite that I like the idea, keep me posted on updates as I frequently miss things I'm looking for in the list.
I agree with JazzberryJam in her points, but here are a few other things I found.
I don’t like the opening word here. It sounds too much like “‘Twas the night before Christmas…” which just seems too flowery. I could understand it being used in dialogue, but here I’d just stick with “It was.”
When two people are talking, there needs to be a new paragraph in between the speakers. I’d advise making a new paragraph before this quote as well because Tristan isn’t the center of focus at this point.
There are three instances of heard in three sentences. It’s really repetitive and a bit dull. Try a different word or leave out the “heard” part altogether. “The king released a muffled scream and a thud echoed through the room as his body hit the floor” sounds a bit more exciting. Remember: Less is more.
So did the murderer see Tristan? If he did, why didn’t he kill him too?
The plot has me interested, and royal murders are always fun. With some editing this could make for a really good story.
The biggest thing that could be improved in my opinion is the number of adjectives and adverbs you use. This a really common problem among young writers. Not every noun or verb needs an adjective or adverb. Choose carefully how many you put in a sentence, because no one wants to read something like; "The blazing, fiery sun slowly and gracefully sunk down below the shimmering, distant horizon which was a thin black line across the glittering, churning, foaming deep blue waves." I'm not going to give any specific ideas for adjective or adverb removal, but I will only say that you have too many.
Luxury? That seems like a really odd word choice.
First of all, the King would be a who, rather than a what, and secondly I've never heard of anyone releasing a scream before.
Who? The murderer or Tristan?
Overall, this is a good idea for a story, but WAYY too many adjectives. Also, the reader needs to find out what William's Gemstone is before the end of the chapter (or at least some idea of what it does or why it's important), or they are going to be pretty miffed.