Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Three bottles of booze
Three bowls of weed
Three hours of waiting
Three weeks of need
Slow sunrise of 3AM
I realised all your lies
Tears of hate and broken heart
Stream out of my eyes
Anyway it's my mistake
Waiting for phone go beep
I want to read your fuck off message
And finally get some sleep
Seen 22:46.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Wow. Ok, well, not really sure how to respond to this one. As a typical human being, I'd probably be a tad daunted by the boldness if this text. But I am not a typical human being, rather, an author, as are you. So, rather than responding in the conventional way, I'm going to treat this just as it should be; as an average piece of writing, written through the mind of an author.
You've evoked this deep sense of pain within me, as I'm sure you were aiming to do. For that I praise you. Your phrases cut straight through me. Usually, I'd be typing about how you could possibly improve your work, but I can't possibly think of any improvements you could make to this.
On a personal note, I hope this isn't written from a personal experience you've been through. I know how it feels to have my heart broken, and know how hellish it can be.
Happy writing
Hey there! CaptainSalty here with a review.
Well, this poem isn't the best, but it isn't the worst. There is always room for improvement! I don't see very much fatigue and love. I just see addiction and hate. The 'three' part repetition I don't like in particular. What I would like is different numbers instead of the repetition. It would add more detail, it makes it seem flat the way it is. This part here,
The 'fuck off message' part seems flat. I would consider adding more. That part also seems flat and vague. I would try to add more detail and make it less vague, but still keep it brief as it is.
Also, to make it detailed I would add punctuation as of commas, periods, and exclamation marks.
The thing I do like is the simplicity and shortness of it. Good job with that.
I do want to see more of your poetry and improvement in this one. Don't give up and always write!
-CaptainSalty
This reminds me of someone I know. Wow. Sorry, It was just so weird for me to read this. It's REALLY familiar to me. Really.
Hello there! I thought this poem is powerful because it is simple. I really felt the frustration, disappointment, and nearly flippant tone of the speaker. The last five lines are probably my favorite part. The mixed emotions really come through with your wording, like "Anyway it's my mistake" and "I want to read". Obviously the other person is at fault, but the speaker blames his or herself. I thought the "Seen 22:46" was nice detail. I assume it means all of this is happening through online communication, which gives it the implication of young love and heart break.
Ok, now for my suggestions and concerns, because this poem is already strong, but you can make it something really special.
Why did you put everything in italics? If you have a reason, then by all means keep that, but italics, like all formatting, should have a purpose. By italicizing everything, I feel like you are taking away from the impact italicize words are meant to bring to poems.
The lines "Tears of hate and broken heart / Stream out of my eyes" could be stronger. Broken hearts are nearly cliched in my opinion and could make your speaker seem superficial or petty. Try to think of more original ways to portray betrayal. You could even replace "hate" with a stronger synonym, like loathing or others. It's totally up to you because only you know what mood or feel you are trying to give your poem.
I really liked the repetition of "Three" in your poem, but you don't continue it into the second half. I'm not sure if its supposed to have some significance or if the repetition is just for the tiring effect. If it does have significance, I would make that significance more known.
Keep writing! Your work has a lot of raw emotion and tons of potential.
i hope everything is alright and this isn't about you. but who are we kidding, most of the stories and poems people write are about themselves and life experiences. It is how we let our emotions out and the only way we know how. this is a great poem. It is strong and personal and very emotional. _WXA_