New York City Bagel
You offered me a bagel and I gave you my heart.
Don’t you remember me?
I was the chichi BA student with the floral shirt.
The bagel had cream cheese on it, I didn’t like cream cheese.
I was chewing my lip, standing next to The Lily Pond.
You materialized in a black leather jacket; it was a knockoff and smelled like Chinese food.
I was impressionistic, you were abstract.
The Met was our playground and I was your plaything.
You read my veins like a map: Go on go on go on.
My pale lips relinquished and you plundered my soul.
You sacrificed me to Eros on your alter of Merlot-stained sheets. I didn’t even flinch; I knew you didn’t love me.
On the day that you left you gave me one last kiss, and emptied me like a hollow carapace.
We were in Green-Wood; you stubbed out your cigarette against the chapel wall.
You said that it was you, not me.
I even laughed at your crusty cliché.
Don’t you remember me?
The bagel had cream cheese on it, I didn’t like cream cheese.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Happy Monkeys vs Dragons Review Day! I'm Pamplemousse from the Monkeys, and I'm here to review your poem.
The first thing that caught my attention was the name of your poem. I was seriously curious as to whether you were talking about a person or if you were actually talking about a New York City bagel. Once I started reading your poem, it really got to me. I'm really big on romantic things, and this is now one of my favorite romantic poems.
I believe that even though your poem depicts an overused relationship set-up, it does it in a way that is refreshing and original. It was certainly a change from a lot of the romance poems that I have read.
The one critique I have is with this line:
"You sacrificed me to Eros on your alter of Merlot-stained sheets." You used the wrong "alter" in this case. In this case, alter would mean to change something. I believe you were looking for "altar," which is "any structure upon which offerings such as sacrifices and worship are made."
Other than that, this was an amazing poem, and I look forward to reading more of your pieces.
Happy Writing,
~Pamplemousse
One word:Wonderful! This is a good poem. When i read one line i already am curious of what the next holds. I am certainly not a pro but I think my advice might help. First of al, split your lines. They are too long. Okay, not all of them but for example :
The lines are too long, according to me. Split them to several line, don't worry about anything, you have poetic licence. If you make them shorter the poem would be more easier to read.
But great work! Write more poems!
Ok good job , aliitle short but i dont read poetry alot so it might actually be pretty long. But any way why repeat
"Don’t you remember me?
The bagel had cream cheese on it, I didn’t like cream cheese.
It dosent make sense but this is a remarkably unique poem il give you that plus it was pretty good (if it was your first try, Keep practicing).