AN/ this is the remastered version of this story, i have spent a long time editing it and fixing some things and as i upload this i am still working hard on the next chapter of this story
Emmy and Brad are packing their suitcases getting ready to go to summer camp, for Emmy its the first time ever, because camping out in a tent in the backyard don't count, brad sits down and stares at the message his best friend sent him after he told him about his sexuality and going to a summer camp, he quickly wipes away the tears getting angry at himself for crying, when Emmy comes in and asks.
“Brad do you know where the sun screen is?”
Brad sighs then says.
“nope try asking mom she have got to know where the one for you is”
she nods and leaves his room and the next day they are both ready to go to summer camp, as they go to school for their final day before the summer vacation starts, two days later the twins wake up early and eat breakfast with their parents, as they get ready to go away for the rest of the summer vacation, their mom tears up as she hugs them goodbye and their dad pulls Brad aside and talks to him about being nice to the girls and not roughhouse too much with the other boys, an hour later Emmy and Brad sit together with a friend Brad made when he was away last year, at the very same summer camp and they talk about all the contests they are so gonna win this year and about which of the other boys on the bus they would like to share a cabin with and emmy plays music on her small MP3 player as the summer camp starts getting in to view, she turns off her MP3 player and puts it away before looking towards the creepy iron entrance as the weird girl next to her smiles so wide and gushes about the last time she was here, until the bus stops and the doors open and everyone rushes to get out into the warm summer air, the camp leader stands on a small podium and waits for everyone to come sit around on the logs, Emmy sits down with her brother and his friend as the camp leader starts talking about the rules of the camp and about having an amazing summer here, making everyone cheer loudly, an hour later emmy is in her cabin getting to know two of the girls she is sharing the cabin with, when the weird girl from the bus walks in and puts her things on the only unocupied bed across from the bunk that Emmy is gonna sleep in, after the girl leaves emmy starts telling Amelia and Ciara about everything the girl said on the bus and they giggle about how weird she is when a rotten smell starts wafting up through the floor making the girls run out of their cabin screaming and tearing up and the camp leader runs over and tries to calm the girls down as they tell him about the disgusting smell in their cabin, so he goes and checks it out and tells the girls that they are gonna get a new cabin, so they have to grab their stuff and follow him, Emmy walks inside the cabin with Amelia and Ciara and they quickly grab all their stuff and hurry back outside and Brad walks over and ask Emmy what is happening?
Emmy tears up, looks at brad and says.
“there is a rotten smell in the cabin, so we have to move to another cabin while they fix it, but brad please dont tell mom or dad, they are just gonna freak out and never let me come back here again”
Brad nods and hugs his sister before running of down to the water with his best friend Travis, then Emmy, Amelia and Ciara follow the camp leader to their new cabin and let them settle in as they giggle and talk about what could be making the smell....none of them could've known just what lays beneath the earth under their old cabin and they couldnt have known the macabre story that follows along with it a story long forgotten making a long dead girl very very angry so angry that she returns to her old camp just to terrorize three innocent girls.....Emmy gets her bed ready and Ciara and Amelia get their beds ready and the camp leader sticks his head in to tell them that the third girl wont be joining them in their new cabin and after he leaves they start giggling and talking happily and Ciara make a comment on how the weird rotten smell only came when the weird girl walked into the old cabin, An hour later Emmy, Ciara and Amelia are sitting in the archieve near the summer camp trying to find out if anything bad happened at the summer camp and maybe what the place was before it became a summer camp or if it was only ever a summer camp, Amelia gasp and Emmy and Ciara runs over and they all read the article about the tragic death of a girl, who was rumored to have been murdered on the grounds of where the summer camp is today and back when the girl lived near there it was nothing more than a gorgeous meadow filled with flowers and a small creak, Emmy goes back to the papers she was looking at and pulls one out
“omg Ciara, Amelia, it says here that the girls name is Violet Sofia Lockwood, just like the weird girl we almost had to share a cabin with and it says that she went missing years ago”
the girls spend another hour researching everything before they return back to the summer camp and two weeks go by where nothing happens, they have a blast canoing and hanging out with the boys and one night exactly two weeks after they found out about the girl, Emmy sits in her room talking to Noah from her brothers cabin and she blushes as he says she is cute and kisses her cheek, then Ciara, Amelia, Brad and Travis come running in and Ciara and amelia squeal and awe at the two on the bed, before sitting down on the other bed with Travis and Brad, then Ciara starts talking.
“Emmy you remember the stuff we read at the library about the dead girl”
emmy nods as Ciara continues
“good well I went back there with Amelia and we looked at all the lists of names of the guys and girls who have been here over the years and Violet who we almost had to share a room with she is only on the list in around the 1930s and she is not on the list for this year at all”
Emmy gasps
“then who is the girl we almost had to share a room with Ciara??”
Ciara smiles
“her name is Alexandra Lucia Lockwood and she is the great grand daughter of Violet sofia Lockwood, because according to the files Violet fell pregnant at the age of 15, which at the time was normal and after her son was born, she was sent away to the camp here where she went missing and many years later, her son had two sons and a baby girl and his babygirl is Alexandras mom”
Emmy nods and says.
“did Violet get a real burrial or what?”
Ciara frowns and says.
“no Em no one could find her body”
Emmy perks up and says.
“then why don't we try to find her and we should start in our old cabin, because something is off about it”
Ciara, Amelia and the boys nod and they all head to the girls old cabin and go inside, seeing Alexandra sit on the bed in tears so they all sit down around her and Emmy speaks up
“Alexandra right are you okay?”
Alexandra looks up and says
“it's nothing just family issues”
Emmy nods and says
“okay is it something you wanna talk about?”
Alexandra looks at Emmy and says
“it's just my mom isn't happy that i'm here”
Emmy nods and smiles and says
“no why?”
Alexandra says
“she won't say she just gets mad at me when I question her about it”
Emmy nods and says
“i understand but just know we are all here if you need someone to talk to, just find one of us and pull us aside okay”
Alexandra nods and smiles saying
“thank you, i'll keep it in mind and you guys can call me Alex”
An hour later they are all standing by the lake watching the boys race in the canoes, after having been unable to find anything in their old cabin, Emmy looks at Ciara and Amelia questiongly as they whisper and giggle together, ocationally looking at Emmy and making weird faces, after Ashland blink to Amelia they leave the Lake area and Emmy stays sitting in her spot with Alexandra as the 4 boys come over to them and sit down and Ashland gives Alexandra a hug and smile, as Noah sits down by Emmy, Travis and Brad sit down too so they are all sitting in a circle, as they start talking and laughing and Emmy smiles knowing this is where she wants to go back next summer, if her health keeps being as good as it is right now and maybe she can get to see Noah again with his cute dimples, his adorable baby blue eyes and that cheeky smile, he always seems to safe just for her and if not then that is the last thing she wants to see before her time runs out......
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Hey, Patrick! Royal here for a quick review, as promised.
So Holysocks pretty much touched on everything about the punctuation. I think you'd really like reading Cormac McCarthy's stuff because he's the King of Run-On Sentences That Make Sense. You can use longer sentences to your advantage when trying to set a scene, like the camp ground. So pick where you'll punctuate wisely, and make sure to capitalize the beginnings of dialogue. And usually, commas come after dialogue attributions like "said," or "asked." I would like to see some more character development in Emmy and her friends, but let's stick with fixing the technical errors and then we can talk deeper plot. I like the idea of the ghost of the girl coming back to the camp, but as Holysocks said, the body would've lost its smell years and years ago by now-- unless the ghost wanted the girls to smell it! There's a twist to think about.
Overall, this is a good mock-up of an interesting plot. Work on that punctuation and grammar; so far, your spelling is fine, and the plot has a lot of potential.
Let me know when you've made some edits, and I'd be happy to review it again!
Also, if you're really worried about your English, Grammerly is a good Google Chrome extension to get!
can you link his profile so i can take a look at it and i will try and look into that google extension
Cormac McCarthy is an author, not a YWS user. If you'd like to Google him, I'd highly recommend The Road and All the Pretty Horses.
ohhh okay, i'll have to try and google him later but thank you
this looks like more of a brainstorming write-up rather than a finished story. it's good to get down all the details like this in the first draft and cut down from there, but the lack of periods and sentence structure make it very hard for others to read. the story itself jumps around and sometimes sounds more like an outline. i like how the girls eventually make an effort to befriend the "weird girl" and that she helps them out in the end, but last bit about what happens to the characters at the end seems like useless detail. because there is not any character development throughout the story, i feel like i don't know them at all and have a hard time caring much about the characters at the end. i like that you tried to wrap everything up at the end, but it just doesn't make sense without character development through out. my only other suggestion is to drag out the mystery a little more: drop some clues and make it a little harder for the characters to figure out exactly what happened. Violet's backstory is just handed to the characters [and therefore, the reader], when it might be fun to let them go on a bit of an adventure trying to solve the mystery.
it is basically a brainstorm and i have honestly been thinking about making something more out of it and completely edit all of what i have written so far in it
Hello! Horror's my jam, so I thought I'd spread it on some toast for you!
Ignore me.I always like reading about summer camps. As someone that grew up never going to camps or group things like that with other kids, I always thought they sounded so fun and interesting. I think that's a brilliant setting for a horror! Kudos for that idea!
Right, so, where are your periods? Where are the ends of these sentences? There aren't any! D: I was reading along and couldn't help but notice one sentence takes up an entire paragraph. Periods, and punctuation in general is very important because not only does it give your readers a break, a moment to reflect, but it also is a way of being able to communicate exactly what you intend. Let's take a look at some of your writing:
I bolded the word "period" instead of using an actual period because those are hard to see when you're trying to explain things. ANYWAY It's important that you end your sentences because if you don't, we won't know where one thought stops and another begins- which is very very frustrating and people won't stick around to keep reading if that's the case, unfortunately. A sentence generally ends after one thought, statement, etc. A good way to know when a sentence ends is by looking at how you and other's speak; people make automatic pauses in their language- breaks for themselves to breath, and for other people to understand what they're saying. If someone talks all in one non-stop-string-of-words people tend to get confused very very easily, and generally will ask that person again and again to repeat themselves. So listen to the people around you. When you meet someone new they'll say: "Hi, my name's Joanna. [period pause] What's your name?"
On to the next!
Why would her parents let her go to a camp where her grandmother was murdered? Especially if it was something the family kept hushed. It just seems like something that would be a very touchy subject, and none of their relatives would want her to go, right?
Also why was there a smell? The body decomposed YEARS ago, you said yourself; all that was left was her skeleton. And if there was an odd smell, and if the body was only just under the floor boards and not that hard to find... how come no one else discovered her sooner- when her body was actually rotting?
I really like this idea, and I think you've got an alright start, but I wasn't really scared at all. All that happened was that they found a body of a girl who was murdered. Perhaps this would better fit under a mystery title? Horror is built on suspense, imagination, and unexplainable things generally- or rather, those are some key aspects that make horror what it is. There wasn't a whole lot of those sorts of aspects though. You can always add them of course, but perhaps you were thinking of mystery?
I thought is was sweet when Noah kissed Emmy on the cheek, by the way! c: I hope you keep writing and sharing it with us!
-Socks
trust me ik this isn't my best but when i wrote i was just writing i was keeping any mind to the punctuations or all that i was just writing to write but i already fixed a few thing before i published it here