Published October 17, 2009
Hey everyone! I just wrote this in about ten minutes, so it's really rough. This is the start of a novel that I'm going to try an finish. I'm really good at starting things, but not as good at finishing them. I hope that you like it though. Please be as harsh as you like! I'm always open to suggestions etc. on how to improve my writing!
But I'll stop now. I don't want to bore you! So enjoy!
Nobody said that my life would be this hard. From the start, I just thought that I would live a normal life, just like everyone else. But that was not the case. From the beginning, it seemed that I was cursed. And nobody could help me.
I don’t really know how exactly it started. But I do know that it changed the world. Maybe we’re still the same. In fact, I know that it didn’t change much. And people will forget about it soon.
But there will always be a small group of people that know the truth.
There will always be stories.
And we can’t change that. No matter how hard we try. So really, how can anyone say whether or not it would be better if this hadn’t happened?
If nobody knew that we don’t actually live in the real world.
P.S. I don't really like the title. Do you guys have any suggestions for a better one? Also, thanks so much for taking the time to review this! You can't imagine how much I appreciate it! *hands out cookies to all the awesome reviewers!* Thankies!
~ Trish 
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140,767 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well that's certainly quite something. It seems we've got a protagonist whose being a little bit reflective here and well it most definitely makes things quite interesting there with the directions that its hinting at. For being a pretty short prologue by the normal standards you'd hold a prologue to, this one really manages to nail home some interesting moment here.
I really do like the way you hint at most of these things without outright stating too much about what is going on in this particular world. It builds quite a nice bit of suspense that and doesn't bore us with any details that we can perhaps try and infer on our own so I'd say this is quite nicely constructed here and it just manages to work.
Overall, I'd say this is a pretty solid prologue that you've got right here, it certainly makes for a very intriguing read and I certainly find myself wanting to know more on what this character is talking about here and find myself wanting to read more of this story here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I really liked this. It keeps me wondering what is coming next. And it wasn't extremely long like some of the other stories on YWS. Good job
-Rach
Hey! Quick review. So, i really felt like your prologue was a little cliche. I mean, i think i have written something just like this! maybe you can change it a little, putting more poetic phrases into it.
I agree that there needs to be a new title. It reminds me of that show on MTV, and you do not want your story to coincide with that show! i wish i knew what your story was about, so i could help you; i love writing titles
I hope you post more of your story.
The structure of it seems a little confusing. I looked and fixed it up a little, this is just a little fix for the structure.
Nobody said that my life would be this hard. From the start, I just thought that I would live a normal life, just like everyone else. However, that was not the case. From the beginning, it seemed a curse was upon me and nobody could help.
I do not really know how exactly it started; I do know that it changed the world. Maybe we are still the same. In fact, I know that it did not change much but people will forget about it soon.
There must always be people who know truth and there must always be stories.
We cannot change that no matter how hard we try. So really, how can anyone say whether it would be better if this had not happened?
If no one knew that, we do not live in the real world.
Hey guys! Thanks so much for reviewing this. I'm sorry it's so rough and short.
) so the first chapter should be up soon.
Just a little update, I'm probably going to either scrap this alltogether, tie it in with the first chapter, or leave it to the end. Currently I'm leaning towards adding it on the end (after editing it of course!
Thanks again for taking the time to review it! I'll look for pieces by you all to review. See you around!
~ Trish
Hello!!
Pudin with the review as requested.
So, this was very short even for a prologue, but...
there has been prologues this short before so don't worry.
But even for a prologue this has very little intrigue, I mean, I can't see what's the point of it. I felt like it was very random. Why? because they were a bunch of sentences put together saying the same thing over and over and sometimes contradicting each other.
Look here, you repeated the same thing over and over just with different words. We get that her life was hard even from the first time you said that she never thought it was going to be that hard so why on earth repeat it so many times. It has no point. YOu tell us nothing beside that.
This was not ok at all. Why? Because here, you didn't even use different words, you just left it like that repeating it. But the part that tops it is that you say: I don't know how it started but I changed the world or actually didn't change that much.
That is very hard to understand, I would recommend you read it again and decide to stick with one of those thoughts, because both together make some sort of turmoil.
This part, which is the ending and should be interesting and engaging so that the reader would read the first chapter, is actually confusing. I'm guessing you'll tell us what that truth is further in the story, but...
you don't just leave us hanging...
you kill us. You want to make interesting not confusing. You begin with yourself and then continue with a truth. I know this is a prologue but maybe more explanation or actually description, not about the setting, but about the story is required.
As the reviewer above said, prologues are not always necessary. I don't think this is a prologue I would think of this as the first paragraphs of a first chapter. And the first paragraphs of a novel that needs lots of work. I consider that prologues should tell us things but at the same time not tell us everything, just give us an idea of what is to come. But with this prologue I felt that you needed more work. Actually, I think that you should start with you first chapter first and reveal the story little by little, letting it flow. Because telling us over and over that she is different is really not that engaging.
A review for a review, shall we say? Call me Jet, by the way. Okay, first off, a bit of advice: don't crowd your writing with too many comments from you as a writer. It distracts us (not least if they're in pink font) and doesn't help the atmosphere. You could use spoiler tags, or just add them all in at the end, where they won't be read until after the piece. With something as short as this, the comments can outweigh the writing itself, and you don't want that.
The whole "I'm different" thing is very clichéd, and not a particularly riveting opening. Though I do want to read on, it's because I like this sort of story, not because of your writing. The very fact that my mind is categorising it as "that sort of story" is not a good thing.
Again, all alone and being different. They're not new concepts to the reader. From a writer's point of view, I'd say try and focus on some of the more original aspects of your story rather than relying on old ideas. As a reader, I like it, even though something is telling me it's going to be clichéd. I suppose this is why we end up with badly written things in print - not to say yours is badly written, but it's the same idea. Clichés become clichés for a reason, so as strongly as I advise you to write them out and focus on something else, I can't tell you to completely ignore them.
This entire segment seems to be a contradiction. It changed the world, but we're the same. It didn't change the world, and people will forget about it. Pick an idea and don't change your mind. I think I understand what you're trying to say, but it's better to be clear and simple sometimes than to be vague and contradictory.
Okay, I won't nitpick anymore. I think this was more a vague collection of sentences than anything substantial, and I can tell you wrote it in a few minutes. I'm not sure what your idea is, though I have a feeling that I will like it if and when you write it, but I don't like this much. It's just a few sentences strung together; you ask a lot of questions of us and don't answer any of them, which doesn't really give us an incentive to read on. The trick is both answering questions and leaving them hanging.
This is a prologue, right? It's unnecessary. Prologues are supposed to have a part in the novel, but you have to really think about whether you need them or not. Sometimes it can help you have a sense of the novel to come, but that should be done subtly within your first chapter, rather than separately in a prologue. I think you could work whatever you want to say here into subsequent chapters. This knowledge - it isn't knowledge really, either, because we don't understand it - won't help us with the rest of the story. I'd rather just meet your characters and go from there.
Please don't be discouraged. If this is "this sort of story" that I mentioned earlier - i.e. one that involves other worlds and preferably magic/powers of some sort - it'll be enjoyable for me to read, for one, but at the end of the day I was critiquing the writing itself. I don't think this is anything you need for your future novel, if you continue, but don't scrap it completely. Who knows, another reviewer might love it.
As for the title, it's impossible to tell this early. Keep the title for a while, or use Untitled if you're afraid you'll get attached to the one you have now. It doesn't hurt to give your work a proper name, though. Makes you feel more purposeful, I suppose. Anyway, very good luck to you, and thanks very much for the review on my work, too. Keep writing!