Published October 11, 2010
I was born into a world of hate
Never questioning what my mom said
Taking everything for what it was
Never turning but always getting lost
Sometimes it feels I don't belong
Always trying but turning out wrong
Getting rejected all the time
Taking a step towards crime
Just watching faces walk beside me
Vanishing one by one as I see
Them hurting loved ones
Becoming the Satan's daughters and sons
Oh what a hateful sight
People fighting for the right
To kill each other with no regret
Salvaging what's left of love and let-
Good people die alone
With no self-control
Just faceless sinners
Ending up as winners
In this sick game of war
For people sick to the core
I guess Satan's got our future planned
And there's nothing we can do but tend
To make ourselves better
Listening only to the matter
Of right and helping those who need a hand
Looking ahead to the face of future and
Keeping close to heart your loved ones
Making them God's daughters and sons
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To begin, I really did like this poem. It flowed rather well and the theme is marvelous. I feel like I can relate to this in my own little way. However, I do have some comments.
The rest of the poem rhymes, but this first stanza does not. I'm not sure if it was meant to be this way, but what I do know, as a writer, is that when it comes to writing poetry, it usually takes a few stanzas to find a rhythm. That is, it appears as if it took you a few stanzas to decided if this was to rhyme or not. Might I suggest going back through a re-wording this first verse. The poem itself is marvelous, but because this first verse does not rhyme, It does not begin to flow as soon as expected.
This bothers me only because the two lines do not have the same count. That is, "Getting rejected all the time" has eight syllables and "Taking a step towards crime" only has six. This is not a big deal, but is still something that you may want to consider.
I believe you meant salvaging
All in all, I really did like this. I do suggest working on your count, as I noticed that multiple stanzas had lines that ended up with different syllable counts. This is slightly odd because the poem itself appears to be more of a free verse because of the rhythm, but it does rhyme, which, in a whole, makes the stanzas sound forced and unorganized.
I do hope this helped some. Write on
Hey there!
This was a very interesting piece and it was pretty good but there were a few things that put me off.
The first thing was that the first verse didn't rhyme but the rest of them did. This annoyed me because when I read a poem I have the pattern set in my head depending on the pattern of the first verse.
The other thing was that all of the verses varied a bit in length and rhythm and that put off the pattern as well.
You have a good piece here so if you just work on those few things you'll have an amazing poem.
Keep at it!
Smashles