z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The adventures in Htrae (Chapter 1 )

by Parkahar


I had just woken up, and my mom was scolding me for sleeping until late. It was just 9 in the morning and a holiday so I couldn't figure out why she was so mad at me.I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. Then I rushed downstairs to the dining room. I was having my breakfast when I received a call from Ron.

" We're all going to the playground. We'll be waiting for you there"said he.

I quickly finished my meal and ran towards the playground. On the way, I heard a familiar voice calling me. I turned back and saw that all my friends were there. I rushed to them and asked "Why are you all here? You'd asked me to come to the ground."

"The playground is getting renovated, so we will have to cancel our match," replied Eric in a sad tone.

"We do not have to cancel the match.I know a place where we can play. But its a bit far from here", Ron said.

We followed Ron to that place on our bicycles. After ten minutes we reached a barren place near an old deserted mansion. We started the match and the toss was won by the opponent team which chose to bat first.They had scored 55 runs in 6 overs.It was our turn to bat and we had scored 50 runs till then.I was on the strike and 6 more runs had to be scored in two balls.I missed the first one and was retreating to despair but Ron was cheering me. Eric bowled the last ball, and with all the energy I had, I hit it. It was a six but the ball had broken a glass window of the mansion.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
151 Reviews

Points: 3592
Reviews: 151

Donate
Wed May 31, 2017 2:35 pm
Junel wrote a review...



Hey there!

This is a good beginning and I can see that it is probably going to lead somewhere very interesting.
So as the past two reviewers said you do tend to tell the reader more than the show, but I think every writer has to just get through that phase and improve their writing skills and all it takes it lots of practice. Other than that your flow is a little hard on the reader, this has to do with your telling, but also just the arrangement of some of your words.

We'll be waiting for you there"said he.

here you should switch it so it's he said, technically it is correct grammatically, but it just doesn't flow with your story.
replied Eric in a sad tone.

here just replace this with sadly and consider switching Eric and replied
My final note: describe more, this will help stop your telling. Don't worry about over describing, because you have hardly any. Some things to consider adding descriptions to include:
the main character
his friends


I hope this helps you improve and your story advance. Good cliffhanger, by the way. I hope you continue to write this story. Let me know if you put a new chapter out.
Sláinte -Junel




Parkahar says...


Thank you so much. I am grateful to you for the advice. Thanks once again :)



User avatar
235 Reviews

Points: 2200
Reviews: 235

Donate
Sun May 28, 2017 12:12 am
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, Parakahar. Storm here for a review, so let's jump right into it!

"Why are you all here and not in the ground? ".

First off, your punctuation should always be inside the quotes, not outside. Second, what does this even mean? You also need to make a new paragraph every time someone new speaks.

Phew, this was very telly. You pretty much just listed a bunch of events. That's not what you should do. Show your readers what is happening. Imagine it like it's a movie playing out in your mind.

You were also plagued by some awkward phrasing. I'll just go through and list the times I found some.

I had just woke up, and my mom was scolding me for sleeping until late.

It should be "I had just woken up, and my mom was scolding me for sleeping late."

On the way, I heard a voice that said "Stop, Riaan".

This voice should be familiar to Riaan, so why does it not recognize it as the voice of one of his friends? "I heard a voice that said" is rarely a good tag, so just avoid it.

I missed the first one and was retreating to despair, but my Ron was cheering me.

"Retreating to despair" doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and neither does "my Ron."

Overall, you need to show and explain a lot more. Description is essential to a good story. You also need to clean up your grammar and such, using an online grammar checker can aid you a lot better than you can yourself sometimes.

Feel free to reply to this review or to pm me if you have any questions.

~Storm




User avatar
126 Reviews

Points: 344
Reviews: 126

Donate
Sun May 28, 2017 12:00 am
Aleta wrote a review...



Hello Parakahar! Aleta here for a brief review on your work. The first thing I noticed was the title of your work, "The Adventures in Htrae". I'm not sure if this is a name or a place, but if it is a name than it would be of instead of in. If it is a place than the name is fine, although I would suggest changing it to "Adventures in Htrae".

First impressions:

1. You kind of tell us what is going on but you don't demonstrate it as much through actions. It's more of a just "I woke up. I ate breakfast." type of thing. I think you could expand and capitalize on this by taking us more into scene, like..."Rolling out of the bed, I grumbled about my mother scolding me for sleeping too late." Or, "The wafting smell of blueberry pancakes captivated me enough to run down the rickety stairs". Take us more into the scene and let us feel and think what your character is experiencing.

2. Your story skips around a bit. One second the character is brushing his teeth and the next second he is sitting down at the table eating breakfast. I think you should add in another sentence about this telling the reader about how he goes down to breakfast. You could do this by his mother calling up the stairs, "Breakfast is ready!" or something like that.

CORRECTIONS
1."We followed Ron to that place, it was a barren piece of land near an old deserted mansion."
Correction: We followed Ron, trekking through the barren [describe more here...is the place sandy?] land, arriving at a small piece of territory that was close to an old deserted mansion."
2. "Eric bowled the last ball, and with all the energy I had, i hit it."
Correction: Capitalize the I.
(I didn't do all the corrections because I didn't want to critique too much.)

ENDING
Okay, well...so he throws the ball accidentally into the mansion. But what now? You need to establish a clear ending with the reader so we're not just left kinda hanging here. It's like the same thing as writing a conclusion to the essay. You don't just stop in the middle of the conclusion without finishing it and then turn it into the teacher.

Sorry that it was quick. Anyways, cheers!





When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been. But she had wings.
— Dean Jackson