And here comes again. That feeling, coming from my stomach and clutching my throat.
Unable to find what is hidden inside, to find what really means to be somebody that believes that is a normal person. Why do I feel so empty?
A normal house and family. A complete and perfect body and mind. No real problem that would grant me the chance to feel annoyed with the world. No excuses. No…, well that´s the problem. Pain, there is pain. Tangible, fresh, old and new. But why? Why am I here, soaking wet under this unceasing rain?
It all started at the beginning of my life. I guess I have never been average. Don´t take me wrong; I look average and I am not extraordinary smart. But I cannot find any other way to define me, at least when referring to my feelings.
I live in a constant hurricane of love, passion and outrageous devastation. Most of the time and unbelievably sad for me I am the one creating the devastation. Can you remember that story about the king who used to turn everything he touched to gold?
My touch has pretty much a similar capacity but the point is that it works backwards. Every time I get close to someone their heart tend to put down it walls and then… the rest is just the same old story. Pain, frustration, tears. Hate. Love. Hate.
Let’s begin with the first person whose live I have ever ruined, Darm. Firstly I should say that all my adventures begin at least with a hint of interest from my part. Never go out with someone who does not intrigue you. He is talk and skinny, sexy in an innocent way, and I could him innocent not because his style but because the way he has to carry himself. He can turn me on just by smiling at me, full of good and bad thoughts. Some of those thoughts so hidden that he cannot even know he owns but I can still see. Thoughts that I am always willing to turn into something more tangible. He pretty much drives me nuts without even trying. He always brings me close to do what I shouldn´t even think about.
We were friends for a long time before we became something else. Before he decided I was a bad apple, which surprisingly still feels like biting. We had to attend to other matters before that day. The day that I became the owner of one part of his memory and a memory that is indelible.
Always smiling, playing around, just friends. Laughing, hanging out, only friends. But where do the line between friendship and what is beyond stands. In this case it was the door of my house. Swimming orange and blue fishes on the screen, a shy kiss. And then another and another. Sitting on top, laying under and one question: Are you sure?. Even though I consider each person that gets familiars with somebody else intimacy important I know that there is one inn everybody lifetime that is the one. Not meaning the real and only one, but that first one that you, sadly or happily, will always carry with you. And for him that was me.
And there we were, forgetting wrong or right. It was good. Surprisingly good I should say if I want to remain close to the truth of things. Being good the first time that you take someone to bed is something that should never be overlooked, neither with boys or girls.
IMMER DEINE
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140,369 Literary Works • 673,125 Reviews
Hello there! cleverclogs here for a review day review!
I'll point out a few of these:
I see from the previous reviews that English is your second language. Can I just say that I wouldn't have known if you hadn't said so? Aside from some minor mistakes, it's very good, especially since English is such a tricky language.
I would replace the word "chance" with "reason". It fits better in the context of the sentence.
I like how you confuse us here, and then give us the answer immediately after. It makes me feel like I'm inside someone's train of thought. My suggestions are: remove the comma after the ellipses, and add a comma after "well."
What does "average" look like? Is it medium height, brown hair? A little detail would be nice. Also, "extraordinary" should be "extraordinarily".
A better way to word this might be, "Most of the time, and unbelievably sadly for me, I am the one creating the devastation."
I love the sort of reverse connection to King Midas. As for grammar, there should be an "s" after tends.
"Talk" should be "tall", "could" should be "called", and "he has to carry himself" should be "carries himself".
I had to read this sentence a few times over to understand it. I think it might look better like this.
That was all I really found grammar-wise. Don't be discouraged by what I pointed out, because your English really is good for a non-native speaker. It could just use a bit of practice.
As for the story, I like that it's sort of a stream on consciousness, like somebody looking back at their life. It was definitely intriguing and well-written, but with a bit of polishing up, it could be amazing.
Hello Parallelpresence,
Myjaspercat here for your review
Before I begin, WELCOME! It is so wonderful to find a new member. Now please don't get offended if I saw something rude or offensive, I try so hard to remember that you all are people to. Anyways, onwards...
1.) "And here comes again. That feeling, coming from my stomach and clutching my throat"
---Couple things here:
a.) One, add the word 'it' before 'comes' and after 'here'.
B.) I don't think that you should use the word coming in the second sentence since you have used the word comes in the first. It just makes your writing look clunky and boring, try to find a different word that would jazz it up a bit.
c.) I like this a lot. I think as the beginning of a story (especially a short) it makes you reader intrigued and want to continue reading. You know, they are asking themselves things like ' Why is the narrator/ speaker feeling sick and what happened to make him/her feel that way before?' Good job with hooking your reader.
2.) "Unable to find what is hidden inside, to find what really means to be somebody that believes that is a normal person."
---Again a few things here:
a.) Add the word 'it' after 'what' and before 'really'.
b.) I don't get the transition form the beginning to this, first your MC or narrator is talking about how they feel sick all of a sudden now they are talking about something totally different. Try to be consistent.
c.) I don't really understand what you mean with the end of this sentence ( the part after the comma.) Can you clarify this for me and others who may not understand as well.
I think that those two things I pointed out are the strongest places I don't like or that I think needs help. Overall you have a pretty good story going here for you and I think that it has a lot of potential. It just needs work. Your story did get a bit confusing as I continued to read on and it made it hard to concentrate with what you were trying to portray as the writer. There were a lot of grammatical and spelling errors which also made it more difficult to read, so remember to preview your work before you publish it and get it ready to be reviewed. This helps your reviewer focus more on context and depth then those 'on the surface' problems. Anyways, I hope I helped some.
Good luck and continue writing--- Myjaspercat
Welcome to YWS! Thriver here to review.
Great start, though I have to say I got confused at the end.
I found quite a number of mistakes, but I'll highlight just a few.
"All started at the beginning of my life". An "It" at the beginning was lacking.
Some sentences lacked a good sentence structure.
"Can you remember that story about the king who used to turn to gold everything he touched?"
It would be better off as.
"Can you remember that story about the king who used to turn everything he touched to gold?"
Lots of grammatical and spelling errors were noted. Plus there seemed to be a problem of mixing the present and past tense. This brought in quite a confusion when I was reading.
I believe a person is not destroyed. Rather his or her life is ruined.
Uhmmm...I advise you to please review your work before submitting. This helps a lot.
Nice start. And welcome. Hope I get to read your work soon...
Hello Thriver!
Thank you very much for your review. It's really helpulf to have someone appoint your mistake, I can realise then sooner.
I should say that I agree that there are lots of mistakes, but I should say on my defense that I'm from Spain and my english is not as good as I wish it would be.
I will try to change the verbal tenses because for that mistake there is no real excuse.
Do you mind highlighting the other mistakes that you have found? I will also accept any advice and thank you again for your help!!
You are welcome. English is not a difficult language to learn. It's not my first language too. It takes a bit of dedication though. I'd be glad to help.
You are welcome. English is not a difficult language to learn. It's not my first language too. It takes a bit of dedication though. I'd be glad to help.
Which languages do you speak?