I've decided to remove some of my writing for now.
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125,028 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey there Shin!
Looks good so far, but I have some little nitpicks:
1st Paragraph: Ah! This paragraph really confuses me! Who are Martin and Alex? Which one is thinking what? Which one is a vampire? All we know is that Aaron limps into an office building looking disheveled, someone is wanted for murder at a young age, someone is a vampire, and someone is right to think something about someone. This is all jumbled and confusing! Try and straighten it out.
Paragraph 2: Enhances Paragraph 1 nicely, but still lacks something. You switch right from Aaron limping in to an office building to a history on the world of vampires. Maybe you should build on the first scene a little more.
Paragraphs 3+4: Whoa, whoa! You did a good job, elaborating on the scene, but why is Aaron already revealing his drug addiction? In the real world, you wouldn't walk up to someone and say, "Hey, man, I'm a vampire hunter addicted to morphine." You would have to trust the person first. Aaron must feel like he trusts the reader. Overall, I believe that Paragraph 4 at least, should be saved for later on in the story.
Paragraphs 5, 6, + 7: In these 3 paragraphs, you're cramming all the information that we should be getting over the course of the story into 3 paragraphs. Try to space out this information into more that just 3 paragraphs.
Aargh! I'm sorry, but it's just so long, and I'm... so... tired... *yawn*
TO BE CONTINUED