Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Rylan crouched low to the ground, he was close to the source of the smoke. He couldn't hear the crackle of a campfire, and it was broad daylight. The smoke was rising out of a nearby clearing. Rylan figured he wouldn't be noticed if he stayed lower to the ground and approached the clearing slowly. It crossed him mind that he could just walk around the potential bandit camp, but his blood was boiling and he was clearly on an adventure, by God.
So he crawled steadily closer until he heard a hiss. A sound like air rushing through... something. Rylan couldn't quite place it. After about what felt like ten minutes of crawling through foliage, he reached the clearing and caught sight of the smoke's source.
A man in a leather long coat sat cross-legged with a blackened 'column' in front of him. His chemystry tutor back home had instilled a deep understanding of nearly no concept found within the art of chemystry. Rylan was by no means an alchemist, but he did recognize the mixture of chemicals in the column that produced the smoke. It was a common formula used by travelers who lost their way.
If he had to guess, it was a 'hydro-volatile crystalloid' mixed with water. His chemystry tutor had used those very words to describe a crystal that vaporized into thick black smoke when mixed with water.
The man had a scarf wrapped around his face, so Rylan couldn't make out much. He looked young, thin, and a little bit scared. Rylan stood up and walked into the clearing. The man started, "Who's there?"
"Relax, I'm just a traveler."
"Good then, turn out your pockets." The man drew a flintlock pistol and aimed it straight at Rylan. "Go on then, let's see what you've got."
***
Vinnie took off her back pack and pulled out a smaller leather bag. In it, there was a bear trap, wire, caltrops, accelerant, and explosive clay kept in a round tin. She was careful to keep the explosive clay secure from any flames. Instead, she put it back in the smaller case and removed the caltrops and put everything else back.
The tall grass around the train was starting to ignite. She made a loop around the flames and kept an eye on the seven silhouettes in the distance. There was no way she's be able to shoot them down from her current position, so it would come down to a mid-range conflict. Her time in the First Imperial Scouts would prove useful, but there was only so much she could do in a one against seven conflict.
She carefully scattered the caltrops in the tall, wet grass. It was less likely to catch fire than the dead grass that was close to the train. She hunkered down and checked her rifle, it was loaded from earlier. Her flintlock was also loaded and within reach. In the wagon, just west of their position, she had left her crossbow. It was her weapon of choice, but she needed something that would puncture the thick glass of the train.
Her caltrops were set, her guns were loaded. Now she just needed to wait on her targets to get close.
***
Linwood took deep breaths, calming his racing heart. His body ached from the blast that stopped the train. The black stone was in his back pack within easy reach. He could just see Thirteen off in the distance. He was a huge man, a solid mass of muscle perfect for conducting lightning through his body. The man who walked beside him was carrying an eerie blue sword. Rylan wasn't sure how he was going to get out alive.
"Thirteen!" He called out through the pounding rain, waving.
Thirteen waved back, the other one looked like he was laughing. Linwood cracked his knuckles anxiously. Thirteen had held his spot for nearly three years since Linwood had left the group. The other one was a higher rank, but that didn't mean much. Thirteen had not advanced because he was unskilled, he had not advanced because he always left too much of a mess. One had complained to Linwood whenever he was Three about his partner.
"You are going to have to clean up after him next time. The people think there is a serial killer on the loose." One had said, his unnerving green eyes pierced Linwood. "Our group has operated in secrecy for the past twelve years. Do not let Thirteen ruin this, or you will drop rank."
'Drop rank' was a euphemism for die a painful and brutal death at the hands of One.
Linwood was in range to attack Thirteen, if he were at full strength. But if he drew from The Source like he had last time, there was a chance it could kill him. He could open fire on Thirteen, but he might miss, and Thirteen would kill him before he got the chance to fire another shot.
In his pocket, he had a white glass ball filled with a milky grey powder. The powder was activated when it came into contact with oxygen. It would engulf anything it came into contact with in blue flames and completely consume them. It was how Linwood used to clean up messes. If he got close enough, the situation would be over.
***
Vinnie took aim, her finger on the trigger. She hated the moment. The moment when a life hung in the balance, when the only thing between a man's next heart beat and death was a twitch of the finger. It made her stomach churn, her head spin, but it lasted less than second.
This target was only a kid, no older than fifteen. He had fair blonde hair and green eyes. His nose had been broken once before, but it was probably when he was younger. Railgaurd didn't see much action. The boy was wide eyed at the sight of the flames, Vinnie smelled his fear.
She didn't pull. Would he be last? Would he watch his friends die in a matter of seconds, and then fall in terror? Vinnie felt her heart racing again. She took a deep breath to still her nerves and refocused her vision. The muscles in her eyes twitched and convulsed until she'd tuned her vision on another target.
The chemyst wore his white hair in a ponytail. He wore blacked, cracked goggles and a red ribbon to keep his hair back. He had wrinkles from laugher on his face, but right now he looked disgusted at the turmoil. Again, finger on the trigger, one pull and he'd be down in an instant, but she just couldn't do it.
She'd done it before. The first time it hurt her deeply, she didn't speak for a week. The second time she cried and stayed in bed a few dies like a suitor had left her. Third time was the charm. She was dead to the remorse by then, but now something felt wrong about it. These men were just doing their job.
Vinnie took a deep breath and pulled. The group scattered, and her eyes felt like they were wriggling in her skull. She refocused on the next target and reloaded her rifle like some sick puppet; someone else was pulling the strings again. Pink mist, and another target fell. The remorse was gone and she was at the firing range. Two down, five to go.
***
Linwood shook Thirteen's hand. "Good to see you again. I suppose you two are here to handle me?" Thirteen nodded, and the other one just grinned from ear to ear, fingers twitching, gripping his sword tightly.
"Let's catch up first," Thirteen said, plopping down in the wet grass. Five looked confused. Linwood sat across from Thirteen and tucked his hands into his pocket. Thirteen raised his palm at Linwood, "No, hands on your head."
Linwood laughed, "Why aren't you higher yet? Didn't I teach you anything?"
"I've learned a lot, actually. I just can't help but get a little messy. How rude of me, let me introduce my friend, Five." Thirteen pointed a thumb at the younger man. He wore a scabbard at his back and brown belt tight around his waist to keep the fabric from his coat out of the way of his sword.
"A swordsman, huh? Do you remember Eight from, oh, a year back? He was a swordsmen. And Twelve, is he still around?" Linwood asked, looking Five in the eyes, trying to get a read on him.
"I killed Twelve myself when he dropped rank. Eight was shot down by a man with a damn fancy revolver. Swordsmen don't have much of a place as head hunters anymore." Thirteen said, looking at Five.
Five turned red with anger. "The sword is the noblest weapon! You cannot deny the grace and skill of a good swordsman." Five said proudly.
"Tell me that when you've got a rifle staring you down." Linwood said. "Kids these days. Thirteen, how about we make this fun. I'll take care of Five, and then me and you can brawl like gentlemen."
Five's eyes widened.
"Sounds good to me, Three, er, Linwood." Thirteen helped Linwood up off of his feet. "Don't worry, Five. Linwood looks tired, just hope he isn't as quick as he used to be."
***
Rylan held his hands over his head. He had emptied the contents of his backpack out on the ground in front of him. He'd thrown his wallet to the bandit. But now the knave was taking it too far. "You heard me! Take them off."
"Why? Take the clothes from my bag. These aren't particularly nice anyway."
"Because dammit, I've got a gun to your head. Plus I don't know if you've got a weapon on you or not." The bandit said in his thick accent. He was from further north in Valtura than Rylan.
"If I had a weapon, I'd of shot you already." Rylan said. In truth, he was too terrified to even think about pulling the revolver. The man was about twenty feet away, and the smoking column was between them. Flintlocks weren't very accurate, and Rylan could make a clean shot with his revolver, but if the man got lucky, Rylan was dead.
"I've got a reputation to uphold, now take your clothes off!"
"Listen to yourself, sir, how did you let your life get this far out of hand?"
"Shut up, you're not me nanny! Now, you've got five seconds before I blast yer brains out."
Rylan sighed and sat down on his bottom. He unlaced his boots, which stunk from all the walking. He pulled off his sweaty socks, and hesitated before undoing his pants. "Turn around."
"Do you think I'm a fool?"
Rylan groaned and pulled off his pants. Leaving home was a mistake. After he was stripped naked and left to die, he was definitely going back to Uncle Leam's farm. There were other ways to make a living than being a postman, and now he was starting to understand the sort of torment those men and women went through.
"Take off your long johns."
"Hell no."
"I said take them off, do you want to die today?"
Rylan started to unbutton his coat when he had a realization. That man's flintlock was moist with rain. By now the black powder was soaked. Rylan put his pants back on with pride. "Why don't you just drop the flintlock and start walking?" Rylan asked.
"Stop it! Sit back down and tie yourself up. This isn't over."
Rylan pulled his revolver and blasted the smoking column to bits. The shards of glass flew towards the bandit. The unfortunate bandit flung his hands up over his face. Rylan fired a second shot just over the man's head, and he dropped to his knees holding his ears. "Alright, hands on your head." Rylan said, feeling like the baddest man alive.
***
Vinnie took aim on her third target, she was pretty. A brunette with rosy cheeks and a heart shaped face. She shot her in the chest. All that remained was the young man and four others. They had taken cover in the farthest car of the train, which wasn't engulfed just yet. She could just make out their heartbeats.
Vinnie shouldered her rifle and shook her head. What had she gotten herself into?
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Canary word: Present
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Hey Paracosm,
This is turning out be an interesting serial. You've got a clear and unique style of writing, which is great. I like reading this story a lot. I also really like your characters. Although we don't know everything about each and every one yet, it all looks really good. I'm looking forwards to seeing if and how Rylan's story will tie into the one with Vinnie and Linwood.
My favourite scene so far in the serial has to be in this chapter with Vinnie, where you describe what it's like for her when she pulls the trigger and kills somebody. It shows that she understands that taking a life is not something to take lightly.
Punctuation in writing is critical. It's like the rhythm to a poem, but instead the flow to a story. The mistake here is a common one. A comma is used for a pause, but not for a break in a sentence where it links another which is connected to the previous one by subject. Instead you should use this symbol ; whenever you want a break like this one.
Here is the same mistake. Use the ; instead of a comma.
At first I thought this was a spelling mistake of the word chemistry. I say it multiple times over and decided it was supposed to be this way. But I would like to know why you decided to do this?
Please let me know on my wall or by a PM whenever you post the next part. I would like to keep reading.
Deanie x
Sup bub.
Do you mean could?. It would make sense with could but it doesn't really seem to make sense with couldn't. I understand that you may want to say couldn't but the way you have put it is unclear. Also the second half of this. "and it was broad daylight." I feel like it is just lacking something in general this sentence. Its like you stated something random, the sentence is very abrupt and doesn't seem to fit with purpose. You can fit this by saying "it was broad daylight so...something." For example: "It was broad daylight so he could possibly be spotted easily."Going right into It is see a (potential?) mistake right away.
It crossed his mind
Take a look at this sentence, you have two completely separate statements that are unrelated but you have connected them with a but which implies they are related.
1. He could walk around a bandit camp.
2. His blood is boiling.
3. He was on an adventure.
These things are completely unrelated how you have written them and the sentence alone doesn't work nor make sense, however there is a very easy fix for this! I also struck out unnecessary words. Example:
"It crossed him mind that he could just walk around the
potentialbandit camp, but the idea of the thrill of it made his blood boil; he wasclearlyon an adventure.by God.Ok to be honest I am not usually one for nitpicks, but I feel these are rather phrasing inadequacy than grammar errors.
The rest of it seems to drop the confusion a bit, but I have something to say about your writing and story in general.
I was a bit confused here, I think that's because I read ep 1 and 2 but missed out on 3 which explains some of it, but when I say this I talk about in general across both your episodes and this one.
I am not in a state of understanding. I feel like you jump around a ton and keep changing your mood. For example each time I read this I feel like I am reading a different story, episode one made me think of realism science fiction here some boys gain some secret superpowers, and now I feel like we are set in an entirely different world that's verging on steam punk. I feel you need to establish the world you are in and what feeling you are trying to get more solidly.
Secondly is the writing itself. Some of it is very good and reads well and action, for example the thirteen bit I really enjoyed up until I got confused as to why he suddenly wanted to kill him. (Though that might be my fault for not reading part three.) But much of the other sections don't command my eye to read the words. I feel myself skipping over some words a bit instructively simply because they have to magnetically attached me to them. I think that this may be because you jump around points of views a lot. Being a serial I feel that you don't have the chance to continually change views and it doesn't give us the chance to attach ourselves to the character. I recommend two P.O.V per episode max.
I think this has a lot of potential and some is very well written (apart from those things I had to keep correcting at the start, that's more of an issue of re-reading and phrasing out loud) However I feel that you are being held back by not being consistent enough in how you portray your environment and how you keep jumping between characters quite often. I feel you need to establish one main character and give him the most coverage. At the moment I cant tell who this is.
Anyway, good job and keep it up, I hope this helps.
I know this was written three years ago, but I just reread the entire thing, and i'm in total agreement! I found myself thinking the same things. Thanks for the review, you put the nail on the head. I know exactly what to work on now.
This is so old I've forgotten my own name.