Lucifer Wilde was a strange, frightening child. Some people say that his mother, Loraine, cheated on her husband with the devil himself, and Lucifer was the result. Others say she made a pact with the devil, and somehow she traded her husband for the child. The consensus was, his name was just plain creepy. Lucifer just wondered what his mother was thinking.
Loraine was the lunatic who named him after the most terrifying semi-deity to ever roam the lands of Findlewine. Why was everyone so scared of him? That particular question was on his mind as he witnessed the Gathering of the Council. It was time for a draft, where the town gathered to select the most unpopular individuals and send them on a dangerous mission. Luckily, he was not old enough to participate.
The Hall was packed to the brim with all of the able bodied townsfolk and their family members. Lucifer bobbled in the crowd, trying to find a place he felt comfortable. It was difficult to stand somewhere where he didn't have to deal with people staring at him and crossing themselves, so eventually he sat against the back wall.
That was a mistake.
A tall, dark haired man walked across the stage. He wore a fine coat and his shiny black shoes clacked against the podium. It was the Head Councilman, Pragma the Latter. Pragma was a renowned historian and orator; it was no surprise to anyone when he was elected to head the town counsel.
"Good evening, friends, family, and guests of Braremill. I am afraid that our meeting has been called under a grim circumstance. As some of you may know, the southern merchant's district was partially built over Auldemarsh, and we have had problems before with flooding in basements. However, up until today, that has been the least of our worries."
"Get to the point Pragma! We ain't got all day." A heckler shouted.
"Calm yourself. The problem isn't that we built the merchant's district over Auldemarsh; in fact, it's been there for years. The problem is, Auldemarsh is cursed." Pragma paused as shocked whispers spread through the crowd like a pulse. "For the benefit of those of you who are just visiting the town, allow me to explain a bit of our town’s history."
"Nearly twelve years ago, the town expanded drastically. The millers were hiring workers because the capitol needed lumber as part of the National Rail Project. Sadly, some of the workers who traveled to Braremill carried with them the weeping sickness."
A woman in the crowd burst into tears, a few gasped, and Lucifer heard a thud from the front of the crowd. Had someone fainted? "Yes, there were mass deaths, and the bodies had to be disposed of. We were desperate. The old Council, which I might add, I never served on, betrayed out town. They promised a grave for everybody, but instead they had the corpses carried out into the marsh and dismembered for the crows and the leeches."
Lucifer felt his stomach squirm. He couldn't possibly remember it happening, he was only three at the time. But somehow a pervading sense of dread still weaseled its way down his throat. It was like a bad memory to him.
"On the Council's behalf, I apologize for what they did. But I cannot apologize for what they have caused. A revenant wandered into the Merchant's District yesterday, and more have been spotted in the marsh. It's only a matter of time before one of them starts causing trouble. Now, who wants their child to be the first victim of one of these creatures?"
"Not me, we have to do something."
"They can't take my child!"
There was another thud towards the front row.
"Yes, thankfully, I, Pragma the Great- err, Latter, have a plan. We have had similar problems before, and one woman has been the solution. Of course, there was a cost. But what is one life among us?"
"What the hell are you talking about, Pragma?" The same heckler shouted.
"I'm talking about the Hedgewitch!"
"No!"
"Not her, please not her!"
"She is the only person among us who knows how to defeat a revenant. Who wants the town over run by the walking dead? Who wants their child turned into one of those things, once the marsh takes them? No one? No one wants that?”
“Why don’t we send a volunteer?”
“Very well, who among us is brave enough to visit the Hedgewitch?"
Silence.
Lucifer felt the little not in his stomach growing.
“Then we will proceed with the draft. One at a time, each of you will cross the stage. If a majority of the town feels that you should be exempt from this mission, you may leave. But should we believe you are fit for this mission, consider yourself chosen.”
Lucifer was about to leave when Pragma made the next announcement.
“I am sad to say that children will not be exempt from this draft. The Hedgewitch will demand a sacrifice.”
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi Shino!
I don''t understand why he hesitates at latter. Up until now he has been a really smooth and confident speaker so this draws attention to the line but I can't grasp what my attention is being drawn to? What is latter meaning in this context?So you probably know why I'm here but you are going to sit down and listen to the story anyway because I've gotten fond of telling it. So, recently you signed up for our Secret Santa event, but unfortunately Santa wasn't able to get around all of the houses in time and has asked me to deliver your two reviews instead!
Specifics
1. I love the opening - you've got a captivating character already with a strong, bold name that's perhaps a little over the top, but almost mocks its own dramatics.
2. I'm not sure about your last line of the first paragraph - why does Lucifer wonder what his mother was thinking? If he is strange and frightening then perhaps he has a feeling he knows and that would make him more scary to me. A boy who likes the name Lucifer and likes the connotations that go with it is more terrifying than a boy who adheres to the normal and also questions his name.
3. This mix of perspectives is perhaps a little jarring. First we're told from a very third person perspective that he's a terrifying child but then we move to his perspective only a paragraph later.
4.
5. I skimmed over a typo or two earlier as well so don't forget to proof-read this, it should be easy enough to find.
Overall
I'm just browsing reviews to try not to repeat too much, but I noticed what Hannah pointed out as well concerning the establishing of the premise. It feels too obvious. Even though you tell us children are exempt, we know this time they will not be and it feels too much like you are telling us what will happen.
Mostly I enjoyed your storytelling voice and found the writing very smooth and easy to follow. However, a few more details of the people and the hall would have helped you build a firmer atmosphere. It's a little bare bones at the moment. There's a great part where he's finding somewhere to sit, but even that goes by too quickly and I'd have liked more of a sense of the rushing crowds and the seats filling up. People having to find space on the floor, in windowsills; I don't know. I'm not sure what to imagine for your hall! Part of me thinks of it as more of a small town hall with neat seats and things, while a more fantastical part of my mind thinks it should be huge and cavernous with alcoves and the like.
Well I hope that helps a little!
Heather xx
Hey, Shino!
The first thing I have to say is...
Amazing name. haha
So, here are some of my thoughts while reading through.
Okay, I understand this is the whole premise of the story, but you put it in writing as an author revealing the plan. You know the town always picks the most unpopular individuals and the missions always turn out to be dangerous, but the town would never rationalize it that way to themselves. They'd say that the town gathered to select an individual by way of majority and a little luck to send on pressing missions for the town. Later on, you can reveal that of course they're going to pick the most unpopular boy, especially after children are allowed to be chosen as well. I'd just say reveal it later.
Okay, first! I'd change the end of the first sentence to "betrayed their community and fled out of town". I'd also reword the second sentence. Instead of "for" the crows and leeches, which suggests intent, I'd say "and left them to" the crows and leeches, which suggest just laziness or not having any other option.
I think this is a typo, but if the seed of the "not" were planted, this would make an awesomely poetic line.
Anywhoo, as you continue writing (or editing), remember to keep distance between you revealing information directly through your voice and revealing information through town-based descriptions of the town. It helps build our belief in your location if we see these people as real people, not just devices in the plot you're weaving.
Let me know if you have any questions, please.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hi I'm Killyouwithwords here to review your poem!!
I don't know what I can say after that amazing review the TheGoonerGirl (suddenly so glad she's on my team) gave. I loved your story, and can't wait to read the rest of it. The name is very eye catching and extremely amusing. It is rather long, but I like it that way...
I like how you foreshadow the events to come in the next part of this chapter. Lucifer will obviously be drafted on the mission to talk to the Hedge Witch (possibly as a sacrifice) and I'm sure that that will make for a very interesting plot for your story.
It could use a bit of editing though, it would be a good idea to thoroughly read it over and look for any mistakes you could possibly find. I also find it hard to believe the dialogue surrounding the town leaders suggestion to feed the children to the monsters. Wouldn't the crowd be angrier at that then how you portrayed them to be? It seems like they would have protested more, other then weakly declaring that it wouldn't be their children. It just gives me the feeling that there is something very very off with this town (which, plainly, there is).
I feel as if I didn't learn very much about the character. His age, looks, personality. There was very little description and when ever anyone talked, it was weird trying to imagine what this person looked like and where they were standing.
Overall this is a great start to what sounds like a great novel!!
Just keep writing-
Killyouwithwords
EnigmaticSpirit here to review your chapter!
I'll start off by saying that I believe this is a fantastic start to what I think will turn out to be a great novel! The title of your story captured my attention and the first sentence kept me reading as I was eager to find out more about young Lucifer and why a gathering was happening. The plot of your story looks as if it is going to be fascinating and gripping!
However, I've spotted a few mistakes that I'd like to point out but they are not major!
This needs to be split up into two smaller paragraphs as the dialogue is irrelevant to the description. It then becomes this:
Another few things I noticed were to do with punctuation. They've already been corrected and are highlighted in a different colour for you to see:
The comma in this sentence isn't necessary and interrupts the flow of the words instead.
Another point I'd like to make is that your story lacks description of the surroundings. Whilst I was reading your chapter, I found it hard to imagine the scenery of the Hall. This has left some unanswered questions such as What does the Hall look like? Does it look old or is it new? is it fancy and beautiful or tacky? Is it big or is it small? Is it crowded with people? and so on.
Other than that, I thought your chapter was fantastic and I loved reading it! You kept me hooked until the end and the brilliant cliffhanger has left me wanting to read even more! You've done an awesome job.
Happy Writing!
Thank you for the awesome review! I'll take this into account when I start editing.