The morning air was cool, and the sun had not yet risen. Demetrius had trouble truly calling it morning; dew hadn't even formed on the moss of the tree he was perched in. His father sat in a branch above him, steady, calm, silent. The man was completely unaffected, not by the cold, not by the insects crawling on his body, and not by the sheer boredom of sitting in the woods when by all rights, he should be sleeping.
But Demetrius didn't dare complain. He didn't make a sound. Sometimes he was worried his heart would beat too loudly, and his father would protest. His dad was a perceptualist, an individual who devoted his life to developing his senses far beyond what most humans dream are possible. He claimed he could hear a rabbit's heart beating from within a mile if it was running.
It took all of the fun out of hunting.
Demetrius new that [i]if[/i] a deer or bore came along, his father would be aware of it long before he was. And as soon as the old coot noticed, and had a clean shot, he would take the animal down. Demetrius would go home empty handed and overshadowed.
He was a perceptualist too, but he wasn't half as good as his father. To be fair though, he'd need seven surgeries and three extra senses. His father had six thin rods inserted into his skull that gave him the extra sense of electroreception. He had a lodestone inserted right between his eyes that allowed him to sense lodefields. And the biggest enhancement of all introduced a crimson pigment to streaks of flesh in his palms. The new nerves allowed him to detect tension, pressure, and vibration, just like a spider dancing on its web.
In short, he was a cheater.
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139,024 Literary Works • 672,398 Reviews
Hey, the story is nice. But nothing is humorous to me. And about his father, he should have been dead after all those surgeries. You could have even made the story longer. But you are right about him being a cheat. Anyway it was a nice story.
PeanutPhoebe here to review!! So first off, I love your vocab that's descriptive, but not too wordy, it's pretty simple. I like how you set the scene; I could see everything in my mind's eye. However, there is one sentence that i really don't like...
"The man was completely unaffected, not by the cold, not by the insects crawling on his body, and not by the sheer boredom of sitting in the woods when by all rights, he should be sleeping."
This sentence just seems really awkward to me. It sounds funny when you read it, cuz you think "he's unaffected..but not by the cold, insects, etc." that's what I thought at first, and then had to read it through again to understand it better. Also, this story doesn't really seem to have a point. In the end, all you were telling is that he was a "cheater". And if so, why doesn't the main character just not go with his father? Anyway, it was well written overall, and I thought you did well. Keep writing!!
Lady Celestia, the Golden Knight
Loved it! The description is really detailed and it was easy to read. Your writing really does flow. The way you developed your characters helped create a clear picture in my head. Can't wait to read more of your writing.
Aw. I was little disappointed. This work was GREAT! But it was really short.
I know it's a short story... but I want more! XD
Um... to review: I love the simple vocabulary, the organisation of your ideas, the uncomplicated structure, the concept, the characterisation and all of it.
Especially the ending line: 'In short, he was a cheater.'
It's not often you read a piece that can reinforce its message without sounding preachy. Great job!
Yours in ink
~ Bloodink
Thank you! I would definitely like to expand on this piece. Right now it's still just a tiny little idea.
Interesting little piece you have there. I didn't regret reading this one. Anyway, let's get down to business, shall we?
The Good:
1) I like the way you built your world. How often has anyone heard about 'perceptualists'? This is my first time. And magic that requires surgery and body modifications? That's certainly something new. In terms of world-building, you've got something going here. It's really well done.
2) I like how you set the scene and mood at the beginning. It's a breath of fresh air, and I could feel that in your narrative.
3) The narrator has some personality, and I believe the narrator takes on Demetrius' side somewhat, so Demetrius has a good personality. His innocence and hate for seriousness and competition is really something. He's not a protagonist you see everyday, that's for sure.
What needs improvement:
1) Technical aspects of the language. 'when by all rights, he should be sleeping' seems a bit clunky and too eccentric even for an art piece. Then there's this sentence: 'Demetrius new that if a deer or bore came along'. Your italics failed right there - it doesn't look good. 'New' should be 'knew'.
2) A downside to your world-building is that it is all starting to sound like yarnspinning as the story progresses. Whenever magic is created, there should be rules governing it. However, the magic you introduced seem to have no limits. If this is the start of something big, you might want to introduce more stringent rules to the magic. Your story here certainly doesn't look like myth material.