So, this is a story I've been working on, and I'd like some feedback on it. I'll accept critisism, but please try not to tear me to pieces. I can be a bit of a defeatist at times.
Anyway, though I've put a 16+ rating on the story, I think I should alert you that it does have a lot of swearing in it, and, given time, it will feature some pretty vicious violence. I think it's hard to catagorize, because you're either fine with swearing and violence or you aren't. Either way, don't say I didn't warn you.
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Prologue
Seen the papers recently?
They’re all talking about the same thing. Take your pick; the Independent, the Sun, the Daily Mirror – they’re all churning out the same story, albeit in different ways. It’s such a flexible bit of news, because no one knows much about it, and so the papers – the media in general, even – has launched itself upon it, tearing and twisting the meagre amounts of information until the tale itself has become distorted and uncertain, like the message in Chinese whispers. No one knows what version of the story to believe anymore.
Nevertheless, they keep talking about it. Everyone keeps saying the name, too. Again and again and again.
It’s everywhere – blaring out of radio stations, trailing from the television, stamped on every bloody broadsheet or tabloid you come across and – naturally – the name on everyone’s lips.
Except mine. I’m not saying a word.
My absence of speech doesn’t stop me hearing about it, though. I saw a newspaper headline the other day - ‘The Madness of Mr Meretrine’.
Oh yeah. Very funny. They’re so witty, these newspapers, don’t you think? Here they are, stirring up this delicious story, creating crappy, snappy headlines to make people read their version of the tale when they don’t actually know a thing. Not really.
So, in case you’ve been living in a grave for the past few weeks, the Felix Meretrine scandal is one concerning murder – homicide. Mr Meretrine, now jailed and awaiting trial, stands accused of killing six people with seemingly no motive.
They’re all so stupid, the lot of them. Everyone’s chucking theories around about why he did it, because Felix isn’t telling and it doesn’t look like he ever will. There are plenty of elaborate fairytales about his reasons, but that’s all they are – fairytales. They’re so far from the truth, and usually too complex for anyone to care about, and so people do what they always do when they’re confronted with an unusual human being, and blame it on madness.
Madness. Hm. They really know nothing.
It’s all right for some, though. They – the theory-makers – sit there, puzzling it out (or so they think), captivated and enthralled by the horror and mystery of what Mr Meretrine has done. They’re free to flit through their day, using their spare time to muse over this ‘devastating crime’ like it’s an interesting kind of project. They enjoy
it. Me? I’m the person who sits in their room all day, scarcely able to get out of bed even to eat, because my brain is weighed down with the knowledge that I’d give anything to forget. My brain lolls and reels with the knowledge that they’re all after – I know why he did it. I know all of it.
I have to fight not to tell them all, I really do. I don’t go out anymore, see, and do you know why? Because wherever I go I hear people talking about it, about him. They speak in hushed voices about his crimes, each gasping and making disgusted noises where appropriate, recommending what his fate should be in return for his actions – stuff like being hung and the electric chair and so forth. I overhear them all. I can’t blot them out, so I have to fight not to turn around and scream the truth in their faces, or either punch their lights out.
Why? Because it makes me angry. So, so, angry. They know nothing. I’m the only one who knows, who understands. Felix Meretrine is a recondite subject, and all but me are too stupid to comprehend it. The public hear the words ‘savage murder’ and ‘no found motive’ and instantly assume he’s a raving lunatic who kills for no reason.
It’s not like that. Not really.
But I won’t say a word. I’ll sit at home, day in, day out, and wait – wait for the story to die down. Only then will I leave the house, only then will I allow myself to roam society and turn on the television, to listen to the outside world.
Yet they still won’t know the truth and, as much as I try to ignore the fact, the thought bothers me.
They say not to judge a book by its cover, and in turn I say not to judge a man by his crimes. Bad things happen, all day every day, and that’s all we see them as – bad things. We don’t think that there’s more to it, because we’re humans, and humans like order and organisation. Humans don’t want to realise that there’s a big blurry area between their distinctions of ‘good’ and ‘bad’, because that will ruin the system society has created. Moreover, humans will go to any lengths to ignore the fact the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ don’t exist at all – only reason, and the judgement of whether that reason is valid.
What I mean is that Felix Meretrine, no matter what he has done to others, wasn’t a bad person. There are no bad people, only those who don’t comply with society, and society is a point of view.
And besides – for me, he wasn’t ‘bad’; not in the way that the media portrays, at least. He changed my life – whether it was for better or worse, I don’t know. Maybe both.
Still, I don’t pretend to know everything about the world, but what I do know is that you can’t say you’re truly living if you don’t feel alive.
And so I can also say that the only time I have been alive is when I was with him.
So then, are you going to listen to society, follow the crowd, and assume that Mr Meretrine’s madness accounted for his crimes, or are you going to listen to me, and my life, and hear the truth – my truth? Do you want to live the lie of society, in a false world where right and wrong are clearly defined, or do you want to hear me, and realise that the world is not simple, nor definitive, and risk losing sight of the ‘right and wrong’ distinction, or at least discover that it doesn’t exist?
It’s your choice.
Oh My God. Brilliant. Simply brilliant. I loved the whole thing about Good and Bad. It's philosophy wrapped in really pretty English.
I am speechless, cause of how amazing this story is. You're daring to go where most other's don't, and for that only you have my appreciation, my friend.
Please continue with this, I don't normally read or review stories on YWS, so this is a big deal. Write more, your gorgeous thing.
THANK YOU DEAR FELLOW.
Dear Dark,
Well done.
Your prologue is really well-written and the story development is so far, so good. I would like to read more of this story if you choose to keep this going.
Keep up the good work! I'd gladly read your novels more and more since you're so good at writing.
Thank you! Chapter one is up, just so you know.
I enjoyed reading through your story and noticed all the discription you've used is very skillfull. There is a wide range of ambitious vocabulary and some of the words I wasn't too familiar with however, I can learn something new! I generally liked how you structured the story with the different types o techniques that you used. I thought the paragraphs were filled with a lot of emotion and detail.
Leaving the story at a cliffhanger is an ideal way to attract your readers. There isn't much swearing which is meant to be good but that extra bit of bad language builds up tension! (Don't get me wrong!)
Keep writing, I look forward to reading the next part of this story, you have that skill of writing.
Thanks, Mlawa!
Hello, Dark!
Okay, first of all I love your narrator's voice. I love the emotion behind my piece and you accomplish what some writers fail to do and that's put a person behind the words being said. In some stories the narrator is only there to set the scene, the authors rely of the topic to push the story forward while the narrator drones un, unattached to what's happening. Their is depth behind this, feeling, and life. Your narrator holds a conversation with the reader and I sometimes caught myself mentally responding to the questions they propose. By the end of the passage I found myself yearing to know more, impatient, and I absolutely love any piece of work that can make me feel like that.
Now, on to your diction and syntax. I don't know if this was intentional, but you achieved an almost proffesional grade of diction and syntax arrangement. I think this is in part because of the development of your narrator. Your sentences were long and complex where the topic was thoughtful, "Do you want to live the lie of society, in a false world where right and wrong are clearly defined, or do you want to hear me, and realise that the world is not simple, nor definitive, and risk losing sight of the ‘right and wrong’ distinction, or at least discover that it doesn’t exist?", and short and curt where your narrator seemed to be more emotional, " It’s not like that. Not really." This may not mean much to you, but it amused and fascinated me.
Your diction, like the reviewer before me noted, was amazing. It only added to the easy flow of reading and character development. Usually I have at least one criticism to say, but I don't have any for this. Probably because my awe is making me unwilling to notice any faults.
All I want is to read more. Good job.
-RP
Thank you.
I really worked hard on the tone of that passage, I've been editing it for ages.
Haha, I can tell.
Hello, Pandemonium~
You really pulled this off nicely. Few can truly grasp the essence of a prologue and put it on paper completely, and you've mastered it. You used just the right amount of vagueness to pull the reader in, without dumping on them too much of a backstory. I could use a few tips from you on that one!
I like your verb usage, the way you describe the actions and the words you use to portray them, such as "chucking," "launched," and "trailing." Use this word syntax to also branch out on your descriptive adjective vocabulary.
I really have no other complaints! Great plotline - please PM me when you have posted more.
~Indie.
Thank you!
I will do. 
"The only time I have been alive is when I was with him "
I can't wait for more
Thank you, I'll post more soon.