Young Writers Society

I've been writing the opening extract of a TV pilot for my university course and this is the first eight minutes of it. All kinds of feedback are welcome, but I'm particularly interested in finding out whether:

a) it's easy to follow, and if any plot elements are (intolerably) difficult to understand 

b) if any of the dialogue seems false  

c) it's engaging as an introduction

Thank you! 

INT. Bathroom – DAY

KENDALL LANCHESTER (22) stands before the bathroom mirror, her face grey and sunken. The table next to the sink is heaped in bottles, rags and sponges. She picks up an open bottle, puts a cloth to it and wets the fabric, then wipes her face with it. She wipes her lips, her eyelids, the insides of her nose - everywhere.

She angles her head, scooping her limp hair up so she can reach her neck. She stops.

On the back of her neck is a small blotch of brown. She puts her fingers to it.

Someone knocks on the bathroom door and Kendall starts.

ALICE

Love? Are you okay in there? It’s half past.

KENDALL

Yeah. Yeah, just a sec.

Kendall lets her hair fall back over her neck, covering the blotch. She stares at herself in the mirror, then screws the bottle shut and bangs it on the table.

INT. Church Hall – DAY

A wobbly ring of people sits on plastic chairs at the centre of the hall. Apart from a middle-aged woman in bohemian clothes (MRS LOWSDALE), all members of the group are shrunken and haggard, some in wheelchairs, others gripping crutches. Kendall sits angled away from the group, chewing on her hoodie drawstring. Her eyes are on a woman two seats away, whose left cheek is mottled in brown.

Opposite her, TIMOTY SIMMONS stands hunched over a walking frame.

TIMOTHY

(Hoarsely)

…one has to keep positive, I suppose. The doctor gave me an injection to, uh, to loosen my hand up, and I’ve been doing some exercises she said might help, but it’s a stubborn beast. My other hand’s started getting a bit stiff, as well, so that’s rather…it’s difficult.

Kendall rolls her head back, staring at the ceiling. Timothy clears his throat, but his voice stays hoarse.

TIMOTHY

I’ve no rot yet, though. Small blessings. There’s just this– I was trying to water the plants yesterday – usual morning routine – and my grip just went. Dropped the can, water everywhere. It’s a silly thing, really, but it- it makes it real. Reminds you.

Timothy looks down, screwing his eyes shut. He shakes his head.

TIMOTHY

Sorry. Sorry. I- that’s all, I think.

MRS LOWSDALE

That’s absolutely fine, Timothy. Thank you for sharing.

She claps as he sinks back into his seat. Weak applause ripples around the rest of the circle, but Kendall doesn’t join in.

MRS LOWSDALE

Would anyone like to contribute next?

Mrs Lowsdale glances around the circle. Her eyes stop on Kendall, her expression kindly.

MRS LOWSDALE

How about you, Kendall? You’ve been silent as a statue ever since you joined us.

Kendall spits the hoodie drawstring from her mouth.

KENDALL

What d’you want me to say?

MRS LOWSDALE

Anything you like. Just talk a little about yourself, if that’s all you feel like doing.

Kendall glances around the circle, eyebrows raised. She gets to her feet.

KENDALL

My name’s Kendall. I’m twenty-two. I’m dead just like the rest of you fucks.

Mrs Lowsdale’s smile flickers, her gaze scooting to the twelve-year-old girl sitting two seats away.

MRS LOWSDALE

We do try and keep the circle friendly, Kendall.

KENDALL

I thought you said I could say anything.

Mrs Lowsdale’s smile returns, but drawn tighter than before.

MRS LOWSDALE

Absolutely. This is a completely open space.

KENDALL

Good. Good. So: about me. I got first degree CMS, because I’m lucky lucky lucky just like Kylie Minogue sings it. Some kids found me in a river two weeks ago, about a mile thataway.

She points ahead of her.

KENDALL (CONT’D)

Decked it and fell in, the police reckon, but fuck if I can remember. Don’t think I want to.

The group looks uncomfortable. Kendall taps her lips, which are chapped and colourless.

KENDALL

Anything else? Well, there’s not a piece of clothing I own that doesn’t stink of embalming fluid now. My hair’s falling out. Mum keeps forgetting I don’t eat, then crying about it. So it’s all hunky-dory, really.

She looks at Mrs Lowsdale.

KENDALL

That enough contribution for you?

Before the woman can answer, Kendall turns away from the group and crosses the hall to the exit, pulling her hood up over her head.

INT. Alice’s Car – DAY.

Kendall climbs into the passenger seat of the car, which is parked on the street outside the church. ALICE LANCHESTER sits at the wheel. She looks at her daughter, nibbling her lip.

ALICE

Was it okay?

Kendall pulls a string of earphones out of her pocket, pressing them into her phone.

KENDALL

A delight.

ALICE

Was it really? Is she getting better, that woman? Because the lady at the hospital said there were a few groups you might-

KENDALL

It was fine, Mum. Drive. Let’s get this over with.

Alice turns to face the road, fumbling with her keys. She side-eyes Kendall.

ALICE

Seatbelt, lovie.

Kendall snickers, without humour.

KENDALL

What, so I don’t die?

Alice looks away, blinking, her grip tight on the steering wheel. Kendall looks down at her phone.

She reaches over and pulls her seatbelt on. A moment later, the car purrs to life, and they peel away from the curb in silence.

EXT. Hodgson front drive – DAY.

The car pulls up the drive to a detached house with a tended garden. Light honeys the windows, the stretched shadow of a naked tree sprawling across the lawn. When the car hums to a stop, the only sound is that of birds.

Alice and Kendall climb out of the car, pausing to look up at the house.

KENDALL

They’re going to be bad about it.

ALICE

Give them a chance, lovie.

KENDALL

Ten to one says she pulls a face when she hugs me.

ALICE

Ken. Please.

KENDALL

If she hugs me.

ALICE

Of course she’s going to-

The front door opens, revealing BARBARA HODGSON, a middle-aged lady with bleached hair and rings on every finger. She offers a forced grin when she sees them.

BARBARA

I thought I heard that old banger of yours!

She walks down the steps, Alice moving up to meet her, and the two embrace. The hug lasts a little longer than it should, Barbara cupping the back of her sister’s head.

When they step away, Barbara turns to Kendall. She swallows, but keeps that same broad smile pinned to her face.

BARBARA

Come here, little K.

She wraps Kendall up in a hug. Kendall’s arms loosely encircle her in return. Out of sight of Kendall and Alice, Barbara wrinkles her nose.

INT. Hodgson living room - DAY

Alice and Kendall sit on a small sofa in a plush, floral-patterned living room. On the bigger sofa, BENJAMIN HODGSON (10) sits with his knees drawn up. Barbara fiddles with the TV remote, trying to unmute the flickering telly, but gives up and places it back on the table – neatly, so it lies parallel to the magazines.

BARBARA

Not worth bothering with. Who wants to be subject to Paul O’Grady’s voice, anyway?

She laughs, too loud, and Alice titters politely. Barbara claps her hands together.

BARBARA

Drinks order, then? I’ve got peppermint tea for you, Al. And you’re a black coffee lady, aren’t you, Kendall?

KENDALL

You know, I’ve gone right off it lately.

A hesitation. Alice looks agonised.

BARBARA

Oh god, sorry, I didn’t— me and my big mouth-

KENDALL

No, don’t worry. It was supposed to be a joke.

Barbara, flushed, beckons to Benjamin.

BARBARA

Darling, just come- you come help me carry everything in.

Benjamin slinks off the sofa, following his mother out of the room and down the corridor.

BENJAMIN

(Distantly audible)

Can she not have coffee because she’s a zombie?

BARBARA

Shh! Don’t use that word.

Alice, sitting upright on the sofa, tenses. Kendall picks listlessly at the fringing on the arm, her rheumy eyes staring into nothing.

INT. Hodgson living room – EVENING

Alice and Barbara sit on the bigger sofa, nursing steaming mugs of tea, while Kendall curls up on the smaller one, hood pulled up, her phone close to her face. The TV, now unmuted and too loud, shows an episode of The Simpsons.

BARBARA

…and I just don’t know where I am with this woman. She’s strolling round the shop like she’s bloody royalty, and she picks up one of the dresses-

ALICE

Mmhm?

BARBARA

And she starts taking her clothes off there and then, like the shop floor’s her personal bloody changing room. And I’m like, I’ve seen some things in my time, but-

Kendall’s phone buzzes, the screen blackening as a call comes up. She climbs off the sofa. Alice leans forward as if to follow her, but Kendall dismisses her with a wave of her hand and moves out of the room.

INT. Hodgson hallway – EVENING

Kendall swipes the call and puts the phone to her ear.

KENDALL

Yeah, that’s me.

Kendall pauses, listening to the indistinct buzz at the other end of the phone. Her brow furrows, and she glances in the direction of the living room and the blaring television, then opens the front door and steps outside.

EXT. Hodgson front drive – EVENING

Kendall shuts the door behind her and stands on the front step. She holds the phone to her ear with one hand, propping her wrist up with the other.

KENDALL

Can you just say that again? My ears are shot.

The voice buzzes. Kendall’s expression shifts, her frown sliding away in place of shock. Her grip on the phone turns ironclad.

INT. Hodgson hallway – EVENING

Kendall eases the door shut behind her gently, her expression troubled, and stops in her tracks. The television is silent. The snuffle of sobs fills the quiet in its place.

ALICE

(Tearfully)

I just- I don’t know what I’m going to do. She’s up and about now, but how long before—

BARBARA

You’ve just got to take each day as it comes, love.

ALICE

How? Half the time it’s like- like she won’t even accept it’s happening, so I can't even talk about anything. I don’t know what’s even going on in her head.

BARBARA

Have you talked to George?

ALICE

She doesn’t want him knowing. I keep hoping she’ll change her mind, but—

Kendall stiffens. She reaches behind her, pulls the door open, and slams it. She waits a second, listening to the scuffling sounds of Alice wiping her face, until the TV turns on again. Then she moves to the doorway, holding her phone up.

KENDALL

Mum. Police just called.