Published March 22, 2009
Why won’t you just let me go?
Without each other we’ll be fine.
And don’t think that I don’t know,
You’ve begun to like someone else in time.
You tell me you still love me,
But I know it’s a lie.
We always seemed to disagree,
Then I always cried.
You start yelling, saying you still care,
You try to prove it to me every day.
You act like it’s your heart with the tear,
But this is the way it has to stay.
Even though a part of me misses your smile,
A bigger part of me hates your every bone.
To save your life I wouldn’t even walk a mile,
I’d much rather be alone.
Truly, what did you expect?
You never treated me right.
It’s about time I left,
But like usual you had to put up a fight.
You can’t fall for both me and her,
Just tell me how that’s fair.
And even though I want to go back to the way we were,
A part of me no longer cares.
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139,438 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
i love the whole message of this poem. i find it very easy to relate to. and it's good for you to get your feelings out in such a humane way as writing poetry. nice rhythm, nice rhyme...not really any problems here for me. *claps*.
Hi! Peanut here. You're pieces seem to speak to me, so, here I am to review another and, this time, I'm not on my cell phone so I can make a real review!
Fine and time only partially rhyme. Hey, that partially rhymed too! (Moving on);
Many thing wrong with this stanza. First of all, your beginning line was in present tense, and the rest were in past tense. I would fix that. Second, lie and cried don't really rhyme either, but, fortunately, lie and cry rhyme! So just take up my whole present tense thing, and you'll be fine right here
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OK, I liked most of this stanza. The last line doesn't really go with the rest though. I would try it more like this;
"You can't fall for both me and her,
tell me how that is fair. ( toss the just and extend that's into that is)
Even though I want to go back to the way we were, (I would never start a line with and. Ever!)
I know that you no longer care. (Since this whole time, you have been saying the he is in love with another girl, I would switch the blame to him for not caring, in the place of you. I'm not actually blaming him I'm just saying it sounds better for your poem!)
So, altogether, I liked this poem. Not the best thing I have ever read, but it was pretty good. I've read a lot of love poems, so maybe it's just me, but this type of poem seems a little done. Remember; Originality is key!
[spoiler]5/10... I still thought it was good
First of all
Now, on the review. Seems here that your emotions have an important role. If you wrote this while you were angry, that's good cause then at least you have inspiration. I also have to salute you because you're the first "Young writer" that puts punctuation (properly).
Your bad sides are pretty obvious:
1. Terrible rhyme
2. Not so good syllable patterns. They are messing up the rhythm.
3. In my opinion, a lack of simplicity. There are too many stuff which are unimportant and they distract the reader from the main problem which, I think, is HE. (Or you or your inconsistency or your jealousy or his thoughts or he's careless etc).
is the only thing I find off about things. It just... seems off in some way. I can't figure out how to change it while keeping it similiar to that, so i see why you put it like that.
ANYWAYS bigger picture:
it is an awesome poem, and I envy your ability to be able to write something so well. I personally don't do well with poetry, and I think that is just beautiful.
I'm not a big fan of the ending, it gets a little too technical (less metaphorical) with words and kills the vibe.
Also, the message is a little unclear. This makes the entire thing blah because there's no real direction.
Riding the fence isn't appealing in this case.
She says she just wants to get out of the relationship (let me go, I'd rather be alone, hell~ she wouldn't walk a mile to save his life) yet she just washes around and doesn't really progress throughout the poem.
From: Why won’t you just let me go?
Without each other we’ll be fine.
And don’t think that I don’t know,
You’ve begun to like someone else in time
To: And even though I want to go back to the way we were,
A part of me no longer cares.
That seems like a step backwards to me.
But that's just my opinion.
Anyway~ g'luck and keep writing! <3