Goodbye, Ryan: My First Love

*This is a true story, no part of it is made up. Let me know what you think, and help edit it! It's raw, because these were my exact thoughts. Sorry for poor formatting, I'm not use to the new YWS yet..*

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“Sam, what’s wrong?” He looks at me, his eyes full of unanswered questions.. I can’t bear to look at him. My chest constricts as I consider how to tell him I know everything. Stepping onto the bus I close my eyes hoping my emotions don’t overpower me.

As I get comfortable in my seat and fold my fingers together, I look out the window. Again that voice breaks my thought process.

“I know something is wrong, just tell me, Sam.” My mouth runs dry as my head confirms that I'm not okay. Words would fail me, my voice would release the raging conflict in my head.

Sweat coats my hands as the confined seat adds more stress. I hear a chuckle, and a screen is put in front of my face. I’m mirrored with sad eyes and a frown. He’s taken a picture of me. I glance at him, rolling my eyes, hoping he knows this isn’t just like the other times. I’m not joking around anymore.

My head leans back as my eyes slowly shut. A pit accumulates in the bottom of my stomach as fear creeps up my spine. My ear picks up noise coming from a speaker. It’s an upbeat rhythm with a tiny rap attatched. I look behind me, to see him smiling at me. Sighing, I turn my body back around.

A hand starts rubbing my shoulder. I almost close my eyes and give in to the comfort. Almost. I can’t forget why this shouldn’t feel right. I look back at emeralds, piercing my own murky brown eyes. His fingers stroke my cheek and I know I need to turn around before I lose it.

Hard plastic is pressed into my ear, the music reverberating as he tries to position the piece to stay. Usher fills my ear. The new CD he’s in love with. The song playing puts my mind reeling again. Did he pick this song on purpose? The lyrics, “If she saying she the victim in this case well what am I, If I hurt her I ain't try to, in the club I may decide to ride through…” reminds me of him far too much. It made me think of how he hurt me.

The song cuts off. Silence is interrupted by another song. This time I hear, “For you I gave my heart and turned my back against the world 'Cause you were my girl, girl, girl..” Tears are so close to the edge that I blink my eyes a couple times to prevent them from spilling.

Another pause.

…“How the time passed away, all the trouble that we gave, And all those days we spent out by the lake, Has it all gone to waste, all the promises we made? One by one they vanish just the same.”…

My right eye catches fingers tapping my window to the rhythm of the song. Reach to grab them, they disappear.

They soon reappear, and I reach for them again. This time, they grasp for mine. I pull away in fear. I can’t get close right now.

One last time my peripheral vision is disrupted, and my fingers reach for his only to touch for the slightest second before we both pull away in embarrassment.

Suddenly, the bud disappears. I give him a questioning look.

“Are you gonna tell me what’s wrong now?” I shake my head not wanted to tell him.

“Words can work too you know?” He is not going to let me go about this. This is a first. He never pesters me. Never.

“I know.” I reply.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Sam. Please?” God, I can’t ignore him. I can’t pretend with him. When I’m with him I’m real, completely myself. I can’t hide a single thing. I give in to him too quickly.

“Our friends…”

“What about them?”

I point my finger to the girl in front of me.

“Nicole did something?” I shake my head and point at himself, then her, and lastly the boy sitting next to her.

“All three of them?” He is confused now. I refresh him, pointing only at him this time.

“It’s me?” I nod.

“Nicole told me something…I’m not sure to believe her or not.” I can’t take it. He has to know what I’m going for.

“What exactly did she tell you?” First time we’ve talked all day and we are talking about things I don’t want to be dealing with.

“She said…you told her, David, Kyle and Joel we aren’t together anymore.” His head droops, he’s resting his forehead on the seat. Reality sinks in when I realize it’s the truth. He’s been lying.

“Sam…I can’t…I’m not allowed to date. We need to stop. I can’t date.” His words go in one ear, and slip through another. I know what he is saying. We’re done. I just don’t want to believe it. I can’t believe it.

“All right, okay.” I turn around, sinking into my seat. Silently I’m wishing to be home in my room away from all this. My eyes start filling up with tears as a finger brushes underneath my chin.

“Sam?” I hear him ask every so softly.

“What?” My voice cracks and I swallow; hoping it wouldn’t happen again.

“Well…see I’d ask you wait for me, but that wouldn’t be…fair. I’d rather you be happy without me than…unhappy with me.” His words hurt me. I hear pain in his voice. He’s struggling just as much as me. Or is he? Oh how I wish I weren’t an open book. I could never seem to open him up to see what he truly thought. Was he sad too?

“That wouldn’t work though.” I blurt out. I frantically search for his eyes but as I make contact I notice that would break me down more. I couldn’t look at him.

“Why?”

“Because…if we weren’t together, I’d still like you.” We sit there in silence. One hand resting on my shoulder, the other dangling over the seat.

“I don’t want you to go…” I say quietly. It’s true. I’d rather be upset with him, then upset without him. Then it wouldn’t hurt as much. I try to focus on my breathing so that I don’t start crying in front of him. My hands grip the zippers on my bag. My knuckles are turning white. His hand reaches for mine. He’s trying so hard to break my hand from the bag. I want to hold his hand, but any sort of contact would send my emotions into turmoil. He gets a hold of two fingers and squeezes them for the slightest second. Then they disappear. He makes no more contact.

As the bus stops at the destination I quickly gather my things, wanting to get away from him. I can’t stand being so close to him and not be able to look at him. When the isle is open, I make a run for it. My pace isn’t nearly fast enough as I walk away from him. A tiny piece of my heart is left with him as I walk away.

Ryan McIntyre: I love you.