It’s true. All day I
sit at school
listening to Miss Velvet Underground,
with her pretty eyes and all,
listening to her telling me I gotta pass all my subjects
and watching me smile at her in return,
knowing I’ll break her heart.
I reach home at 6
when it’s almost dark
after walking her home and saying goodbyes
and she’s always blushing and I still never make a move.
I watch old episodes of “Happy Days” on my computer,
eating the lasagna mom heats up for me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
nice job. very nice. I like. Good job
Hello, steampowered here for a review! This is going to be a really short review, because it was such a short piece, but I’ll do my best to leave you with some constructive feedback.
When I saw the title for this, I initially thought it might be something to do with computers, but clearly not. I actually feel a little lost as to how the title relates to the poem, but if it makes sense to you I think that’s the main thing.
This is the only bit I wasn’t sure about. I wasn’t sure what it meant – does it relate to the title of the piece, about it being easy to install sadness?
The poem actually made me think of lyrics to a song; I feel like you could quite successfully set this to music if you were so inclined. From what I can gather, it’s about somebody who’s in love with someone clever and perfect in every way, but is too shy to make his feelings known. That was just my personal interpretation though, and it feels like this could be interpreted in more ways than just one.
Overall, an interesting idea, and I’d like to see more of your work. Keep writing!
Ok! So It was a very interesting read and it has good lines, but I think it could use a little bit of work. The first thing I'm gonna say is you punctuation is off. That can be easily fixed though.
Maybe it's just me, but I'm a little confused as to what this poem is about. My guess is that it's about a typical day in your life, but the title doesn't tell me that. I would call it something that has more to do with the poem.
"Listening to her telling me I gotta pass all my subjects."
This line makes very little sense, I get the general meaning of what you are trying to say, but it would sound better if you made it more descriptive.
Listening to her voice, as she told me to pass all my classes.
Would sound better to me.
Over all I really think that the poem could be great. All you need is a little work on the punctuation and more description. This would help with the length of the poem as well.
I hope my review was helpful!
Keep writing!
(Also sorry its posted like four times in the comments, I didn't mean to spam. My computer was lagging and wouldn't let me make it a review. This is the real deal)
Hey Panda!
Welcome to YWS, by the way.
I think that before you start out with "It's true." you may want to restate "It's easy to install sadness" or something like that so that the reader knows what's true.
I want to know how the narrator feels about this. It says the MC smiles, but it would be wonderful if you had another stanza in here, telling us what the MC feels about breaking her heart, whether they planned it from the beginning or maybe more about Miss Velvet Underground.
You may want to spell out 6, as six. It's your style choice, though.
Mom here should be capitalized because you don't say my mom.
The ending felt a little bit anticlimactic to me. I like those last two lines, but you could possibly link it back to the first topci again by having one final statement at the end such as, "And I forget to care about Miss Velvet Underground." Or something like that.
Basically, this is a nice poem with good imagery and I like it quite a lot, but I feel like it could just use more. Of course, poem length is up to you, but there is a lot you could do with this and the characters' feelings.
Anyway, this was great to read! Hope to see some more of your works soon.
-Falco
This is great!