(Hi everyone, just a quick reminder that chapter 2 was revised so you might want to check that.)
It was your classic dark, foggy Tuesday night as I drove down the road. The headlights of my silver convertible illuminated the barren road, driving to the murder scene. It would be a lie to say I wasn't scared out of my pants but it would also be one if I didn't admit how excited I was too, as horrible as it sounds. I wondered if it would be like those days, the ones with a badge on my chest and justice on my side but I quickly pushed the thought away, 'No use getting your hopes up and besides, there are more important things at hand.'
The drive to the house was roughly twenty minutes long, but it felt like it took forever. "I live three houses down from the corner of Johnson Avenue, behind the River Valley Park." There was the park then the little neighborhood following after, the kind you always over look because you've just passed it too many times to count. Turning down Johnson Avenue I began to count the houses '1...2...3'
Turning into the driveway I did a quick look over of the house. It was nothing grand, just a normal house on a normal neighborhood street by an average park, why this place? I honked twice and waited as the house remained still. I tried to relax but after a couple of minutes of waiting I grew nervous and began to bite at my short, ragged thumb nail 'What if something happened? Should I go in and see?'
The door then opened swiftly and out came a boy who couldn't be more than eleven years old. He scurried across the driveway and I could make out poofy dark hair and a backpack on an extremely scrawny frame through the fluorescent headlights. He opened the back door and stepped in, slamming it behind him and settled into the back seat, head down and silent. I began to back out of the driveway, looking around the night covered neighborhood illuminated by the few street lights. As I looked into the rear-view mirror I noticed the boy's head and eyes were casted to the house and then I understood, he knew this would be the last time he'd ever be home again.
Pancake~
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140,682 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Hello Pancake! Happy review day! This chapter seemed sort of short. As though it's like a filler chapter since not many things happened in this chapter. But that's okay, it's short but sweet! XD I'll just jump right to it!
By all means, you can ignore this. This is simply a suggestion.
"The headlights of my silver convertible illuminated the baron road,"
I think you meant 'barren'. 'Baron' is like a lord or noble.
"It was nothing grand, just a normal house on a normal neighborhood street by an average park, why this place?"
It was sort of redundant with the words 'normal' followed by 'average'. I understand that you're trying to convey the normalcy but you could use some synonyms as well. It gives the sentence a sort of stop and go sound to it; sort of like your just listing things.
"There was the park then the little neighborhood following after, the kind you always over look because you've just passed it too many times to count."
Just a suggestion but you could replace the comma with a period. To me, the sentence it sort of a mouth full
In the last paragraph: "...scrawny frame through the fluorescent headlights ."
Nitpick: there's no space after 'headlights'
"He opened the door and went into the back seat, head down and silent. I began to back out of the driveway,"
Here, you could further describe the scene including some of the MC's thoughts, feelings, as well as some sensory details. Such as the loud slam of the car door, etc.
That's kinda all that I've spotted. Overall, this is a good chapter! I love the cliffhanger you left us on! Cliffhangers are good, it keeps us readers wanting to read more. I'd like to read more from you so keep writing!
Happy review day to you too! I fixed the typos (I can't believe I missed those). I can see how this could look like a filler chapter, but this chapter is actually pretty important much later on in the story. Anyway, thank you so much for the review. Have a nice day!
Hey Pancake!
This was a great chapter by the way!
Plot: well, there wasn't much plot to work with or anything to nitpick here, but the fact that you decided to dedicate one entire chapter to Jacob Conner's journey to the house and crime scene to a recent murder case was actually a good idea.
Pace: the pace was smooth and steady. The events were stringed out enough to create a very organised style of writing. Great job!
Description: you balanced the amount of detail provided in a very realistic approach from a first person point of view, which worked perfectly!
Characters: there was mostly silence when it came to Jacob's thoughts as there was not much information revealed with regards to what he was thinking during the car ride. However, it reflected that he was not sure how to receive the situation at hand. I do feel sorry for the kid, though, the next few months will not be easy for him.
All in all, your chapter was great and there wasn't exactly anything I had to pick on, so awesome job! Can't wait to read the next chapter!
MissLyricz x
Glad you liked it Lyricz! Have a wonderful day!
Pancake~