"Um, hello?"
Well this was odd, this didn't sound like your average Joe. It sounded like...squeaky, kind of similar to a chipmunk.
"Hello this is Private Inspector Jacob Conner, may I ask who are you, and why are you calling?" I said in a stiff voice, waiting for a reply
"Hi, I'm uh Carter Spicer and I have a situation for you sir."
I was skeptical at the shy hesitation in his voice. I used to have the same tone when my old friends and I used to stupidly prank call the cops back when I lived in the cramped city. I sighed. "Fine tell me, what is it?"
he hesitated again "You might not believe me if I told you, maybe we could meet at the park behind my house."
"Alright wait a second kid where are you're parents, can you put them on the phone for me?
I'm sure they'd be more helpful with explaining whatever it is you're calling for." He hesitated.
"Well mister that's the problem, you see something...bad happened and I need help, I found your number in our newspaper so I called." He sounded a little shaken up from just the thought of thinking of the process, my curiosity was peaking.
"Can you tell me exactly what's happening with you, are you okay?" I was now at the edge of my seat, my pulse racing with anticipation. "What is this problem that has you so frightened little Carter Spicer, what could be so menacing?"
"I'm scared sir, I just want my mommy and daddy back. She took them and I want them back, you have to help me get them back, please!" He yelled in a rush, I could here sobs through the phone. His calm façade fell and I knew a disaster was at hand.
"You need to relax, breathe, and tell me what's happening. Where are you, do you need someone get you? I know I'm asking a lot of questions and I know you're scared but you need to answer now so someone can help you." I was standing up by now, my hands clenched tight as I tried to stay calm myself. I need to know what's going on and I need to know now.
"She just came in and-and killed them, she didn't see me but I know she'll find me! She'll cut me up too and-" I broke through his panicked rambling.
" I see, but you need to tell me where you are. I'll come and get you and we can talk all about what happened somewhere where it's safe for you, okay?" I heard him sniffle a couple of times as he was trying to regain himself.
"I live three houses down from the corner of Johnson Avenue, behind the River Valley Park. Do you know where that is mister?" I went over my metal map of the area and remembered the general direction of the park.
" Yeah I know where that is. Okay kid, I'll come and get you just hang tight and wait where you are. I'll be in a silver car and I'll honk two times to let you know it's me. See you then?"
"See you then."
The line went dead and I hung up the land line, grabbing my coat and keys heading out to the car. I got in and turned on the ignition, glancing at the clock that read eleven PM. 'Some night.' I headed off to the case that would change my life.
Pancake~
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hi.
Uhuks?
**Review's Starting**
I am agreed to every reviews made up here.
Anyway, don't you think there are lots of dialogue here? Not to blame you, I made even more dialogues in a chapter than you did. Well, personally, the chain between the first chapter and two seemed a little fragile. Try to make some U-turn in the middle of the fusses of dialogue. Dialogue moves up the story pretty fast, so we, the readers, need some time to catch up with it. Try to add some descriptive paragraph to balance the story.
And why don't you tried calling yourselves a real P.I. or cops... It is a new experience you know. Not that I really want you to make prank calls, but I wanna you to research on the real ways. The realism. It's because I think I feel many awkward responses from the P.I. to the chipmunk. I just feel the P.I. was being too sensitive towards prank call. Like BlueAfrica wrote:
This P.I. should care about prank call in the last process. It is so not real... It makes me hate the P.I. because he thought this call was a prank call only because he...
What the heck!
And. And!
The way this kid answered was way too awkward... He shall be more softer, more scared. Not this level of ongoing-ness...
Anyway, a little nitpick!
Notice the weirdness?
**Review's Ending**
Keep writing!
~Memo
Okay, first note (although I'm sure someone's probably already said this):
Dialogue formatting. I was frequently confused as to who was speaking--especially at the beginning--because all the dialogue was lumped together into single paragraphs. You should actually start a new paragraph each time someone new starts speaking. So your first paragraph should look something like this.
You can move around the non-dialogue sentences as you choose, but I broke this up based on how I'd do it with my story. (Of course, even I might not break it up precisely like this, just depending on how I feel on any given day or if I feel different during revision than I did during the initial writing.)
So that's the main note, because it can get very confusing for readers not to break dialogue up this way. (Plus, I used to run all the dialogue together when I started writing, until someone told me that's not the way to do it, so now I really notice when other people do it.)
My only other notes are small notes on Joseph Conner's thoughts about the caller. If it's obvious from the start that the caller is a child, I'd think his first question would be, "Where are your parents" or "Put your parents on the phone." I think he also mentioned the child having a lawyer, but I don't think the child would have a lawyer unless he had been taken somewhere by child services already, which he obviously hasn't.
Another good question to ask would be, "Where are you now?" If the child feels like he's in danger and no emergency services have been contacted yet, this needs to happen. I was sitting here reading this like, "But this kid is in danger. Get him out of wherever he is and protect his precious butt!!!!!!!!"
PM me if you have any questions!
BlueAfrica
I just fixed it!
Much better. I felt like there was a lot more emotion overall just from seeing how concerned the PI was about the boy who called. It made the whole chapter more tense. Plus I like that the PI doesn't know yet (in this version) that "she" is someone he has a history with.
I'm glad that you liked this and that my improvement was a lot better! I'm liking this version better myself too. I really learned how to work this and hopefully I can keep it up. Thanks again!
A very intense and interesting chapter, my friend. Well done!
Jacob Conner's attitude and impatience is almost humourous and I rather enjoyed the expression of his thoughts. It was one of the aspects about this chapter than encouraged me to read more.
The new character, known as Carter, for such a clearly frightened nine year old, he sure is observant and has a great photographic memory. He profiled the killer, or perhaps one of the killers as you have not confirmed if she worked alone, so well, perhaps he's meant to work in the police force! Haha, only joking! But that would make a great sequel!
My only suggestion is that, although this story is going in the right direction so far, I think you should edit your work a little more thoroughly. Also, don't feel that you have to rush the chapter production just to keep your readers satisfied. Take your time developing the details of the story, so that you feel confident to write it without pressure. It was just something that I noticed, not entirely sure if that is the case. But, I hope this advice helps you all the same!
I look forward to your next chapter, no matter how long it takes for you to write and complete it. If you need help with anything with regards to your story, feel free to leave me a message. I'm always here to support fellow writers!
MissLyricz x
It feels a little clunky in the begining, is that just me?
No, it's not just you. Perhaps separating the dialogue between Jacob Conner and Carter into paragraphs would appear to be more organised. It will also ensure that it is easier for the reader to understand, as well.
Hope that helped!