Young Writers Society

Hey Pan,

I really like how you're going about getting some humor in the poem along with creating a story around the poem as well. That's nicely done. If a poem is going to be clear, it's got to be clear from the beginning, and I feel like in many ways you definitely set the tone for the poem and then perform the twist totally adding in a 180 which actually turned out well, no italics needed.

You could, however, improve the poem. I feel like you're using language in the first few stanzas that would turn people away thinking that this is a melodramatic preachy poem about how the speaker feels like the toast and the toast is a metaphor for life and all of that, which is actually what you were looking for, but I think you might have taken it a little too far. In particular, the way you started the poem with the word "Alone" is likely to turn readers off because we don't get the subject first, instead we sort of have a reverse order. This is interesting as a linguist, but not really for a poem because of the specific word. If you used something that was a bit more descriptive instead of emotionally attached you'd get a better results but it might require tweaking the sentence a bit.

I also think adding in the fate of being thrown away after getting picked up oversteps the ideal metaphor you were looking at because no one really wants to be thrown away either, so it doesn't make sense that it would be included in a poem about the toast being a person. It also is just glossed over so fast that it doesn't need to be there.

Aside from that, good job and happy Review Day!

This is Atsmai here for a review!

However much satire you made it to be I thought of this on an emotional level so let's begin with this review.

I like how you're comparing yourself to the toast and relate with it and like the comparison that drives the whole poem.

I had trouble with the line "It's just toast" even though I know you went into a whole emotional statement but it kind of contradicts that you related to it, if someone was to relate to it wouldn't they not call themselves "just toast"?

I need to be picky because there's not much to pick.

Things I didn't like: You used most of the potential that I felt could've been used by this but I felt like it could've been used a little more because I love the idea and would've liked more.

The third stanza also confused me because you talked about nobody picks it up to throw it away but the lowly lunch lady picks it up and cleans it up?

Good things: I really loved this poem to the point where I had to nit-pick for the review out of it because it was so perfect.

Goodbye!

This is a unique piece. I like the way the humour is carried through the whole poem, while still being very emotional. It is slightly depressing, but at the same time funny. I think you could have found more words other than toast, but it is still a excellent poem. The end was my favourite bit.