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Not Invisible - Chapter I

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I walked into the math classroom and sat down in my usual seat, which is directly in front of Mr. Jay’s desk. I pulled out a piece of paper and started drawing on it, thinking that Mr. Jay wouldn't be back for 10-20 minutes because he was on his break.A freshman came into the room, most likely looking for Mr. Jay. He looked over at where I was sitting and saw my stuff, but he probably thought someone just left their stuff in the room. After a minute or so, the person left, probably because he must have realized that Mr. Jay wasn’t in the room.

“The hardships of being invisible,” I sighed before looking down at my paper again.

“Don’t be so upset about being different,” Mr. Jay told me as he was entering the room, a cup of coffee in each hand. “Three spoons of sugar and creamer, just the way you like it,” he proudly exclaimed, setting my cup on the desk right next to me. I had to stifle a laugh at the fact that he was proud about a cup of coffee.

“This is coming from a person who isn't invisible,” I chuckled. “You seem mighty happy about that cup of coffee,” I continued as I put my drawing paper in my binder and pulled out my assignment form the night before. I set it down on Mr. Jay’s desk and grabbed my cup of coffee, taking a sip of it.

“Why do you always play that card?” he asked me, a frown on his face. Mr. Jay and I were close, since he was only 8 years older than me. “I’m happy about the coffee because you get mad whenever I don’t make it right,” he admitted, taking a sip of his coffee before he grabbed my assignment and started checking it.

“It’s the one card that only I can use, and it always works!” I giggled, already starting on that night’s assignment, since it wasn't that hard to understand.

“I thought you would say that, Anna. You’re using that to your advantage,” he confronted me, handing back my paper. “You only made a few minor mistakes, but that’s it. You will be able to do great things, Anna. Don’t let the fact that you’re invisible stop you from doing stuff to your best potential. The sky isn’t the limit in your case. You could go to the moon for goodness sakes, darling,” he randomly said, smiling at what he had just said.

“Whoa, Mr. Jay,” I laughed. “You should be a motivational speaker. That was wonderful.” Mr. Jay smiled and put his hand on my head.

“You know just what to say, it seems,” he randomly murmured, looking at the assignment I was working on. “You’re a month ahead of the other students. You’ll most likely be in the junior book before the end of the semester. I don’t know why I really try to teach you the stuff. You already know it!” he admitted, ruffling my hair.

“I’m glad you still try to teach me, Collin,” I mumbled, using his first name. “You’re my only friend for goodness sakes. Speaking of which, are we still going to go see that movie next week?” I asked with a smile on my face. “Wait, did you just say I’ll be in the junior book before the end of the semester? That’s awesome!” Collin giggled at my delayed reaction, taking his hand off of my head.

“Of course we’re still going to see that movie, Anna! You shouldn’t have to ask that!” he childishly whined. I cracked up laughing at his reaction and had to cover my mouth to stop laughing before I started to cry.

“Oh, I should get going! My mom is most likely waiting for me at home. She obviously knows I’m hanging out with you, but still, she worries. Bye, Collin!” I exclaimed, picking up my stuff and handing him the assignment I had already finished.

“Bye, Anna,” he whispered, a dumbfounded look on his face, most likely because of how fast I finished the assignment.

“Oh, wipe that look off of your face, Collin! It was an easy assignment,” I chuckled as I was placing my cup in his sink. I waved at Mr. Jay as I was leaving the room, sticking my stuff in my bag and walking out back door that barely anyone used.

Once I got home, I set my stuff down in my room and went back outside.

“Oh look, someone is moving in across the street,” I said to myself, walking over to the bench that was near the house that the people were moving into and sitting down on it. I noticed a boy who looked to be around my age, and wondered what it would be like to have a friend my age. The boy walked over to the bench I was on and sat down next to me.

“Hello! I’m Chase. I’m going to be living in that house,” the boy exclaimed, pointing to his house.

My jaw dropped and I could only manage to say one thing, “How in the world?!” The boy laughed at my shocked reaction.

My life just took an interesting turn, I thought to myself, completely dumbfounded at the fact that this boy could see me.

After a few moments I finally said something else, “How in the world can you see me?”

Comments & reviews · 4
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thebluegemini
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Ok. WOW. Just WOW. Can I say I absolutely LOVE it! The ending was absolutely brilliant. Amazingggg! ^^ Keep writing. You simply HAVE to! My favorite part was this one: "After a few moments I finally said something else, “How in the world can you see me?” ^^ LOVEEEEE ITTTT!

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katiecwoo Review

The introduction to the characters in this first chapter is well done, with impressive character development already. Also, the characters have evident background stories which makes the story interesting and makes the reader want to know more about each character. The word use and sentence starters in this chapter are varied which makes it appealing and enjoyable to read. Overall, a great start! I can't wait for the next chapter.

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eldEr
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eldEr wrote a review · Tue Apr 08, 2014 2:07 am

Hey there! isha here to review.

Okay, so, this is actually a really freaking cool concept. I mean, I've seen stuff about invisible people before, but I always like it when I do, because it always seems to have an interesting twist to it. This work does just that. I like the fact that your narrator- Anna- is such good friends with her teacher, and that the teacher's totally cool with her being all invisible-like. Props to Collin for that.

The writing quality isn't terrible, but it's not super amazing either. I mean, it's average. Mediocre, if I'm going to be totally honest. Which isn't a bad thing! It just means that you have something to work on. One of my suggestions is, simply, to work on the voice of your narrator. From what you have here, we can't really tell much about Anna's personality. There's not quirks tossed into the narration. No little, intentionally grammatical blubs that add to the feel of the piece. No phrases or inner thoughts that give us a feel of who Anna is. See, this feels like a chronology of events, and your job is to add a little bit of meat to it. Give us some personality. Throw in some imagery (be careful with imagery and first person, though! Overdoing it or putting it where it wouldn't come naturally just screws up the flow and the voice), if you want it.

You've got a great story idea, you just need to add a little spice to it. First person is so much fun because you can get deep into your narrator's head, and your reader is easily hooked on their quirks and corks.

The other thing I wanted to point out is that some of the... emotion during the scene where Anna and Collins are talking seemed a little, um, extreme. Mostly, it's just the part where Anna's laughing her fool head at, and I'm sitting here going, "Whoa, chill out." It just felt like she was overreacting a little? Unless Collins made a really super hilarious face or something, in which case, it should be added to the narration.

Also, this:

Once I got home, I set my stuff down in my room and went back outside.

“Oh look, someone is moving in across the street,” I said to myself, walking over to the bench that was near the house that the people were moving into and sitting down on it. I noticed a boy who looked to be around my age, and wondered what it would be like to have a friend my age. The boy walked over to the bench I was on and sat down next to me.


Thiiiis kind of made me wince, a little. Mostly just because it was a super awkward transition. You need some padding. Why didn't she notice that someone was moving in as she was walking home from school? Did the moving truck or whatever pull up just as she left her house again? Was she totally lost in her own thoughts and just... somehow managed to miss it? I'd just rework that part, a little bit.

At this point, I'm really interested to know more about Anna's background and her family life. I have a lot of questions, and no doubts that they'll be answered in later chapters. Things like "was she born invisible, or did something happen that turned her that way?" and "how's her family about it?" and "is this a thing that happens to some people in this modern-day-Earth AU, or is it just poor old Anna?"

So you've got me pretty interested in knowing more, and you have a really awesome premise to go off of. Just a few fixer-uppers here and there, and you're golden ;)

Let me know when you post the next chapter!

Good job and keep writing,
~Ish

She came in the back door, went out the front! I wrote the last half in about 30-40 minutes. Also, next one is Chase's POV. I'm switching between main characters. Really should add the prologue in here.

Ahh, I see it now xD Sorry about that! post a link on my wall when you've got the next bit up :)

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WillowPaw1
Review

Hello! WillowPaw here to review your story! :)

I only caught a few mistakes:

"He looked over at where I was sitting and saw my stuff, but he probably though someone just left their stuff in the room."

The 't' in thought is missing. Probably just a fast typing thing or something.

"his break.A freshman"

There isn't a space in between the period and A. Again, probably just a typo because of fast typing.


Okay, moving onto the plot! I think the idea is a bit overused, but the fact that Anna is invisible changes up everything and adds a complete twist to it. I like how only very few people can see her. Brilliant! :)

When you mention this sentence: Mr. Jay and I were close, since he was only 8 years older than me. I think you should add in a little more to that. How old is Anna? It would be a great way to sneak in some little information about her.
Or, at the end when you're introducing Chase and saying,"He looked to be about my age," you could probably squeeze it in there too.

Overall, I really like this idea, especially since she is invisible!

Keep writing, it's great!

~ WillowPaw1

Mm, makes more sense with the prologue.

Wait, there was a prologue? 0.o

I didn't post it, like a fool.



flamin hot cool ranch doritos say a lot about the duality of man
— dissonance