Published July 1, 2013
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
"Knock knock! Is anyone there?" Dylan asks with a smile on his face. He's at Sebastian's house. They've been best friends since before they can remember.
"Dylan? Is that you?" Sebastian says through the door, a smile appearing on his face. He always loves when Dylan comes over.
"Who else would it be?" Dylan replies, and the door opens. He sees Sebastian standing there, wearing a white t-shirt and shorts. Dylan walks in and plops down on the bed. "So, what's up?" he continues.
"Not much, I was just waiting to see if you were coming over," Sebastian answers, playfully punching Dylan in the arm. "And you?"
"Same here," Dylan inquires. "Hey, Sebastian?" he adds.
"Yes, Dylan?" Sebastian exclaims.
"Could I possibly stay here for the night? My parents got into another fight," he sighs.
"You know you're welcome here anytime," Sebastian responds, giving Dylan a friendly hug.
"Thanks," Dylan mutters. He looks into Sebastians soft blue eyes and sighs. "You're always there for me," he includes.
"That's what friends are for," Sebastian murmurs. He scooches closer to Dylan. "I'm going to go order some pizza. The usual?" he asks.
"Yep," Dylan replies. He stares at the floor as Sebastian walks out of the room. Sebastian goes and orders the pizza, then walks back towards the room. When he enters his room, he trips on something. Dylan rushes over to where Sebastian fell. "Are you okay?" he asks him.
"Yes, I'm okay," Sebastian answers. He stares into Dylan's eyes with a smile.
"I'm going to regret this," Dylan sighs.
"Regret what?" Sebastian wonders.
"This," Dylan responds. He looks into Sebastian's eyes for a minute, then he leans over and gently kisses him.
"Oh my..." Sebastian gulps. Dylan pulls him up, and then goes and sits on Sebastian's bed. He curses softly to himself, looking at the ground. "I'm stupid," Dylan grumbles. "I'm sorry I did that. I think I'll just go home now," he adds.
"Don't. Don't leave," Sebastian exclaims. He goes over to where Dylan is sitting, and puts his arm around him. "Please."
"Why shouldn't I? I basically just admitted my feelings towards you, and you probably don't feel the same way. I should just leave... I'm sorry I did that. It was stupid," Dylan mutters.
"You shouldn't leave because... Because... Because, I love you," Sebastian stutters to himself. Dylan hears him, and his eyes fly open.
"You... You... You do?" Dylan asks softly. He nuzzles his head into a comfortable spot on Sebastian's chest and looks up at him, his eyelids fluttering.
"Yes... I've always liked you, I just never thought you would like me too. I'm madly in love with you, and I about died when you kissed me. It was like life finally had a purpose. To be with you," Sebastian murmurs. "Pizza's here," he adds, and goes to get it. He pays the pizza guy, and brings the pizza back to his room. He hands Dylan a slice and grabs one for himself.
Finally done eating, Sebastian lays down in his bed. Dylan soon scooches over and lays down with him. "I love you," he whispers, and gently kisses Sebastian's cheek.
"I love you too," Sebastian replies. "But, don't do that."
"Why? Do you not like it?" Dylan mutters.
"It's not that. I just want to make it, more exciting," he responds, and kisses Dylan on the lips. He starts off gentle, then gradually becomes more confident and furthens the force behind his kisses. "This... Is what I've been waiting for, for so long... So long I've waited to kiss you, to hold you, to be able to call you mine, and the day is finally here," he adds.
A little bit later, they both slowly fall asleep, both extremely happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~END OF CHAPTER 1~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hope you guys like the story so far! (Chapter 2 coming soon!)
Just a little something extra: http://robledo.fromthefog.com/upstanders/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/upstander18.jpg
~~Lillie <3 c:
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140,191 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hey there! You never received your one review on Secret Santa, so an Elf is here to deliver it for you. Sorry for the delay.
Is this a narrative or a story? Don't tell us what's happening, show us. Describe his house, describe their relationship, mention the ages they first met, the memories, etc. Paint me a story.
So, I review as I read the work, and right off I notice this is something you do often. You blandly tell us what's happening. You should definitely work on your imagery and descriptive skills; it's essential to engage the readers and make your story come to life. I don't want boring, I want crazy images bouncing through my mind and the voices, the tones ringing in my ears.
This. A gay guy would definitely say this, but not at rhat moment and after that sudden kiss. It just seems unrealistic to me. Now speechless or opening and closing the mouth in and embarrassing manner, that I can relate to and even picture happening. But not what you have.
So this is cute! I love gay romance stories, I'm a firm believer in LGBTQ rights. I think the love came rather suddenly, but hey, if that's how you want to start the story, then okay. Just a suggestion: conflict. Something must happen. I know that I don't want to read a story just about love. Kinda boring to me. I want conflict, drama, problems to conquer and solve. I mean, make it realistic. Once they go public with their relationship, people will hate them and bully them for being gay or (Lord forgive me) "fags". It happens. This isn't utopia, sadly enough. This is real life, so make it believable.
Other than that, nice job and I look forward to reading more! Let me know when chapter two is up. Keep on writing!
~ Iggy.
Hello! Here to review your work on this fine Review Day!
I really loved this chapter! I haven't another piece of writing on this site where someone has tried to portray a gay relationship. 'The Song of Achilles' by Madeline Miller is a great book to read if you want to expand in this area.
I like the relationship that you've created between Dylan and Sebastian. I would agree, however that you need to use their names a little less. It will just make the whole scene a little more believable and make the reader feel as though they are really there.
I would also say that you should slow down a bit! You could have dragged out this realisation of attraction and especially the kiss for chapters and chapters! You don't want to give away all of your secrets at once or the readers will quickly lose interest if they think you have nothing left to reveal to them.
Good luck, I hope this helped! I look forward to reading some more of your work soon!
Olive <3
Yay, the compliments! <3
Hey there, I read your piece and I liked the read. Nice and unconventional from what I normally read so that's a big plus. Yet there are some things that might need some fine-tuning in your writing. So from now on I'll show you what bothered me in the story and if possible offer suggestion.
In the first couple of sentences you might like to address who says what in the story. Yet if so use "said", the word "exclaims" makes it sounds like he is cheerfully happy and basically shouts it.
Next to that, you stick allot with pointing out who said what, your readers aren't total idiots they'll know who said what after the initial dialog.
Never just say "something" we are writers as much as readers, we want to know the full detail. What did he trip on? Was it Lego? A remote? This part could use further detailing.
Could've used time to reflect Dylan's thought's while he went to the door. What rushes trough his mind? Also the pizza seems to be delivered in 5 minutes after the call was made. As said, more detail in the story for example just what the room is like or what faces they make or how do they move their hands, arms, bodies etc. Could add more "time" as well as liveliness to the characters.
I'd suggest to rephrase this with: "Next to him." Also tell me how they lay in the bed, what position, spooning? Facing each other or just both on their back's holding hands?
"And the" could be replaced with "and now"
It seems too distant to me, use something closer more tangible. (butterflies in the belly etc)
Next to that I'd like to point out that the chapter felt short, and a bit rushed like it all needed to happen. It doesn't feel realistic, yet as pointed out by me and my colleagues it's mostly in the details and describing everything else around them. Also tell us more about these guy's in advance. We have no relation to them and this brief moment of romance between them doesn't capture me as a reader.
But in overall it's nicely done it just needs to have more beef to it's bone!
Yea I know... I threw this together really quickly in attempt to get it in by review day last month, and I was stupid and lolly-gagged around, holding off posting it, and I didn't even get it in before it started, and I was too lazy to add anything to it! I'm going to do some major editing to this sometime! Thanks!
Hey Lillie !
I would REALLY love it f you would read through the first chapter and tell me what you think 
(Still working on the second) !!
Just wanted to point a couple things out!!
1. You have a very well written plot here but I agree with the people below this, you use their names WAY to much and it takes away from everything this story is about. It is confusing and it doesn't make much sense.
2. Nightlyowl is right , the tense of this story is not good at all and you should consider re writing it in a tense that people can actually follow.
Don't get me wrong , your story is very intriguing BUT I really wish you would go back and try to re work this. I LOVE the plot and what this story is about so far though.
Good luck and keep writing
Whenever you get a chance, please come and check out my work
I agree with Kitty on this. I was interested with the title and admired the fact that you had written about a homosexual couple rather than the normal heterosexual one. I suppose that made me come into the story expecting much more than I got. I really don't mean to sound harsh, but it DID sound like a childishly written story. Most of my complaints stemmed from the same ones Kitty had. I do have, some others though, and want to highlight my own thoughts none the less.
1. You use their names too much. There's really no need to say their names so many times in one paragraph. There are many ways you could have replaced a name with "his friend, the boy, the brown haired one, him, he, ect."
2. I really really don't like the tense you used in this story. I am huge fan of the present tense, but only when it helps the story. For instance, creepy or eerie stories sound better, eerier and more disconcerting in present tense. In general present tense is a big no-no since it puts readers off. Reading it is like reading it as it happens, being there in the moment. And it sounds wrong. However, if you want the reader to feel unsettled, like in a horror story, or if your character is telling the story and it's in present tense, it'll make it eerie, creepy and spooky. So the present tense does nothing but hinder this piece.
3. It needs more detail. Show don't tell. The biggest rule in literature. Kitty is right, you missed out on telling the story of these two boys, telling WHY these two friends love each other so much that one would feel so compelled to kiss the other. Also, you missed out on a way to give a back story on Dylan and his home life which clearly seemed unsettled.
4. Timing. You did rush this. Slow it down, flush it out. No pizza comes that quickly.
5. Travel. Have the two leave the room, do some things, sit around, play video games. That kind of stuff. When I go to my friend's house, while we do sometimes just sit there, we do go to the basement to watch a movie or play video games. Use real life situations and twist them to fit your characters.
6. You don't need the chapter all dialogue. I'm not saying you had too much, it's just for that little bit of story, you needed more meat to go along with the dialogue. It's like making a PB&J sandwich. The two have to be even and compliment each other, otherwise one takes over and ruins the sandwich.
7. You need conflict. Chapter 1 always hints at a problem that will then shape the interaction between characters. No friendship turns to romance that fast. Perhaps after some conflict or something, it could happen, but I'd say save the romance for chapter 2 or 3 after their relationship builds past normal friendship. I don't know, maybe after you elaborate on Dylan's home life, a conflict can come from that that'll push the friendship over into romance. But that was too fast and so far there's no conflict. It doesn't even hint that the families of the boys would be accepting of a homosexual relationship between them. You need conflict.
Ummm... so yea... work on that. I'd also say grammar and such but since there wasn't that much story, I didn't get a chance to see how you use grammar and everything.
I liked the idea of your story, but I don't think you did it well. Please work on it, and message me after you do some work and I'll reread it. Keep writing, Nightlyowl.
KAPOW!
I'm a terrible not-poetry writer, and I know why, and it's because I do the same thing that you did in here a few times.
I do a lot of reading though, so I know what to tell you.
I'm very familiar with this issue.
So I'm going to rescue you before it eats you alive
like it did me.
Usually, I start with the happy things in a review
but I can't this time because
the first thing that happens isn't happy.
"They've been best friends since before they can remember."
"Show, don't tell"
That's the golden rule of all writing up there, and that sentence, the one above that golden rule, just shattered it.
You just skipped a huge opportunity to tell a winding story about these two boys that could allude to the fact that they were childhood friends. The fact that you missed out on that opportunity, and had an exceptionally short chapter that, in my opinion, really needs some more meat, is a bit of a let down. Typically, chapters surpass at least one-thousand words. This "chapter" is only 627. I don't mean to sound mean, but I've written poems with more meat than that.
So.. Maybe play out the story more to help meld that into the idea.
Next up, dialogue! The entire chapter is speech! An entire chapter takes place in one small area, and it's not even long? I hate to say it, but that's just sort of an immature sort of writing. It looks more like I'm reading a play than a chapter in a novella (assuming that's what it is, due to the short chapter..).
"You shouldn't leave because... Because... Because, I love you," Sebastian stutters to himself. Dylan hears him, and his eyes fly open."
Cliche. A cliche is a deadly, seedy little creature that sneaks up on you in the middle of the night and tries to kill your writing potential. I feel like this line is something from a 1900's detective film. You know, where the man walks the woman to a plane and her scarf flies around and-- of course you know. We all know. It's a cliche!
To avoid writing a cliche, think about if you've seen or heard the idea before. Nobody likes recycled writing, so if you're just going off of what other people have done entirely, it's likely not going to do you good.
Speed; another factor that can make or break a piece.
Usually, I hate to read slow writing. I'll find a book to nuzzle into that wrings ever single detail about everything out onto the table and I want to pull my hair out.
You, on the contrary, have almost no detail.
One moment, they're all buddy buddy-- the next they're lovers.
That's weird.
To summarize what I mean, refer to my awkward, terrible mention of what I perceived.
"Aye bro what's up ah man nothin' much
by the way I'm in love with you oops we kissed hey look pizza yum okay goodnight"
That's...
That's weird.
So, for the complaints, I recommend THIS:
1. Think your ideas through! The cliche is your enemy. If you know you're already writing something that everyone else has written, too, you might want to steer off of your topic. I know you tried to make it original by using two male characters, but the fact that it wasn't played out very well sort of soured the intention.
2. Be reasonable. The scenario is hugely unlikely to me, and I myself am part of the LBGT community and have seen/read/done it all. Even the most hot-living, fire-mouthed people can't manage to turn a rad friendship into instantaneous, synchronized romance in a matter of a couple of sentences. Love-- even LUST-- is an intense feeling and takes huge amounts of time for the human mind to conclude-- or even just to think of!
3. Be a good writer. My brain doesn't know what to do. I have no idea what these boys look like, and I have no idea how old they are-- I just don't know what to think of. With that, there is no description of anything. Two friends casually become lovers over some pizza.
What.
I can't fathom it, and I've been able to comprehend and enjoy some pretty bizarre things in writing-- but there's just a point where the line must be drawn. The intention wasn't speed here, it was conveying, and you just told me about a couple of boys, you didn't show me anything.
PS: You also repeat words a lot. "Smile on his face" -- and what not.
Now, onto the good parts!
Yes, they exist, I'm not a complete butt-hole
(and please don't take this offensively! I'm trying to help. I myself make the same mistakes every time I try to write novellas.)
The idea! Oh what an awesome idea!
Being part of the LBGT community, I LOVE the idea of boys instead of the typical romantic Prince Charming and Snow White. That's cool.
I also like how it's made relatable. A lot of people try to write these sorts of things and end up over-glamorizing the idea of homosexuality-- so the boys would be super hot and have colored hair and rainbow eyes and superpowers-- which is stupid. This sort of down-to-Earth writing makes the reader able to connect with the character, which shows a lot of maturity in writing.
Overall, it seems like you have great intentions but a poor level of execution. Perhaps a story-writing workshop would be of good use to you!
Keep practicing, and most importantly, keep writing!
I really hope you don't get discouraged by anything I said in this review. I'm another writer, just like you, so feel free to come rip my poems in half.