z

Young Writers Society



Mirror-Washing

by Palantalid


Mirror-Washing

Trailing down the looking-glass in clear
rivers of tap water, I feel fear
begin in my own eyes, stung by sweat
like the rain outside and just as wet
as this pair before me, looking blurred.

In my chest, something else begins, stirred
into life by an image, fogged by my breath,
warmed by the fog, almost escaping the death
that is in its every movement.
Pictured by light, it is merely lent
the darkness of the wet sky outside.

Eyes remain open, they remain wide
as droplets descend on glass and soil
like a tribulation, trial or toil.
To be judged: how we see ourselves...
In the mirror: guitar, face, shelves...

We bring a piece-of-mirror to all
things we do: word in air, scribble-scrawl,
thought in head, waking the child in bed,
passing on by blood, washing it red.

So here am I, with this glass and cloth,
washing away pride, greed, wrath, sloth...
rubbing at every blur and stain,
cleaning my face, easing away pain
from self-evasion
and complication.
But seeing the sky outside so stained, I wonder and fear
that I must not wash this image all too clear.
________

It's ermmm...been a while, eh? It's not like I've not been writing, no, I've been writing loads. I remember when I used to post every poem I wrote as soon as I wrote it. Now, I don't really consider posting a poem when a dozen poems have already come after it. Also of concern is how little time I spend on a poem. Scares me to think that people spend months in fourteen lines. Lost kid that I am, I continue to flirt with rhymed poems. Which is why I need a favor.
I need to know if I've gotten over forced rhymes and all the accompanying problems. For reference there's this poem and another one (topic47635.html). I do miss the recklessness of the old rhymed poems sometimes.
Lastly, I will henceforth commence to barrage you with more poems regularly.


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Points: 890
Reviews: 2

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Mon Jul 27, 2009 4:16 pm
Fantasy♥101 wrote a review...



I like it, but why do you rhyme the last line of one with the first line of the next?

It also doesn't flow very well, it seems like your straining to make it rhyme, like its coming from work instead of heart.

I didn't understand parts of it.

I can see the potential of the poem, and its very interesting. Yet It is very confusing, and kind of hard to read

But it is very good, I think, and I enjoyed reading it



(I hope now this counts as a review, I pointed out as much as I could!!)




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62 Reviews


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Tue Jul 14, 2009 1:37 am
Mandorelute wrote a review...



Hey,
it took a while, but I'm keeping the promise.

Second Stanza, Third Line:
"warmed by the fog, almost escaping the death"
I think this should be:
"warmed by the fog, almost escaping death
death that is in its every movement."


Fourth Stanza, First Line:
"We bring a piece-of-mirror to all"
Why the hyphens? It's very clear without them.

Overall, a very self-emulating poem. I really enjoyed your use of language. The imagery is fairly original, and holds its own.
The way you set up is a bit confusing, but I understand why you did it. It just makes it somewhat difficult to read aloud.

Well written.
I got a lot out of this piece and aprecciated you sharing it.
Thank you.

-M.




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25 Reviews


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Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:55 pm
cnvalambrosia wrote a review...



this is going to sound very demented and strange. Sorry.

From the very first line it just slapped me in the face.

This is no lie I don't know why it struck me this but I just read it wide eyed. It was completely fine, actually it is very good. Lucid but icy. I'm just a little spellbound, is all. We all go a little mad sometimes, as one very wise pscho said once.

I like this piece very much. But my area is in narratives, so I'm sorry I can't give you more.
thumbs*




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Mon Jun 29, 2009 1:29 pm
Juniper wrote a review...



Paaaalantalid!

The beginning of this was off to a wonderful start. The rhyme was nicely paced; didn't stick out too much, so it was barely noticeable (which is good!).

However, as we move onwards, the rhyme becomes noticeable (I'm aware you're wary of that) and seems to be a bit forced. I did, however, notice that your rhyme is not consistent; If you were to drop some of the lines that are forcing the poem, I don't think it would cause the poem too much pain, so long as you do it sparingly, dear. ;)

I do, however, really enjoy the images you created. As I read, something seems to repeat, making them kind of have an overused appeal, which isn't entirely bad, but it just tones down the excitement a few levels.

Other than that, I really did enjoy this, Pal. You should get back to posting more often. :P

Juniper ;)





Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.
— Ellen Degeneres