Coffee Stain
On the roads, I pass by them and they glance,
look me over, and I don't have a chance
to hide that muddy cloud, that bleary mark
of silt-in-the-cup or pinch-in-the-dark.
And I remember, the early garden
had morning bloomers with eyes that harden
and think they know what darkness passed at night,
embraced the moon and poured over starlight
so rich of hue, the ambrosia brown.
I just keep on walking and looking down.
All the eyes blooming and staring dully,
all apple-throated, unknowing fully
why sleep has waited on trembling eyelids--
all those fresh faces, old men and school kids.
The air is scented, my flesh is earth-soot,
heavily swinging, foot after foot.
Stretching and yawning, brushing off the ache,
my body's wilting but I'm still awake.
Cruel is the night
Cruel is the night and cold
yearning something warm to hold
city is water, you are stone
all seems bigger when alone.
Leaning against the lampposts, tired
lights in every street are fired
but you are left to waste away
your eyes still dull, your hair still grey.
Soft collapse of memory
halted by a reverie
brutal thought that reminds you
what you owe, how much is due.
The chunk of pestilence I stole
from your plate to keep you whole
is lying silently in wait
on some remorseless poet's plate.
You say you're lonely, puppet dear.
How can that be when I'm so near,
striking out quietly for bed
with all these voices in my head?
Note: Been a while, but I'd be much obliged for comments. The syntax in the second poem is meant to be the way it is. I realise that these two seem very derivative in terms of their structuring and the way they sound when recited, but I have tried when it comes to meaning and effect.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi Palantalid! I might recommend that you repost "Coffee Stain" and "Cruel is the Night" in separate topics. It's really a lot to ask someone to review two long poems at once; most YWSers would be more willing to review one or the other. That way, you'll end up with more reviews!
- Abigail
Coffee Stain
Roads, or road. I think its more mysterious if you use the singular. The opening line is a little generic, although it develops a sombre mystery effectively, and the mood is extended in this stanza well. That versus The in "that muddy cloud". That is more forceful, but I feel replacing that with the, in both instances makes the verse neater and places the emphasis back on the adverbs in each... your choice.
Second line - "had". I'd replace it with "the" and add a comma after garden. This way build more of a list effect which creates a mood of nostalgia and memory.
Third line - "think they..." Although its more accurate, I feel the poem would read better by just saying "and know what darkness..." Its probably spoiling a cleverly thought out beat to the poem, but this is just my instinct here.
Great colours and rhyme further on in this stanza!
Ouch. I hate the last word of the first two lines. Ending and then rhyming an adverb seems like a lot of effort for not a lot of effect. It almost seems forced... I don't know, I would alter the word order here.
Comma before "but" in the final line. Great pace here, and the rhyme works unlike in the previous stanza.
You are getting at something here, I'm not sure what. What is for sure is that you have a perception of images and colours, and I'm liking the imagery and the feel of the whole poem. I'm liking the poem a lot. A fresh look at this in a few days will craft a better draft yet.
Adam