Young Writers Society

Hello, I'll be reviewing your poem.

I found this to be an interesting collection of poems on the theme of love I presume, I liked how you split up each poem into sections with their own individual titles. I enjoyed reading, "Rifts in the space continuum" most.

But, there is always room for improvement so I have some critiques which may be of help to you. I'll go poem by poem, in order as it's easier to review in that sequence.

The Metamorphosis of Light

I liked the title. However, the poem itself I have suggestions for.

"An ugly color,
nearly the worst,
became my favorite."

Here, I would remove the comma in the first line as the enjambment leaves enough room for an effective pause. I think the word "perhaps" fits more than the word, "nearly" in the second line.

"I fell in love
with something ugly,
something boring,"

You tend to repeat yourself at times which may, in effect, make some lines or points redundant. You use the word "ugly" and "something" twice, and so close together in the poem too, so changing them would be beneficial, you could use alternative synonyms. Similarly, the word, "boring", as a writer, I feel it's an indeed boring word to use, no pun intended. So it would be even better if you used a more powerful adjective.

Van Gogh

"I have you to thank.
For all of your time,
for each of your smiles."

I liked the idea of this poem. Though I feel like the first and second line should be in the same sentence as the first line seems incomplete and the capitalisation of "For", continuing in the second breaks up the flow of the poem. You also repeat "for", so maybe you could add "and" in the place of the second for. I'm not sure if you're aware of it but you've also used the line "I have you to thank", in the collection, "The Lying voices", so be careful with too much repetition, there are creative ways to phrase things, which I'm sure you can do.

Remnants

There is a girl
who loved a boy.
Her love was so great,
so encompassing,
so disastrous
that it destroyed her.
She loved that boy
with her whole heart.
And when he was gone,
she loved him still
with the pieces that remained.

In general, I found this poem to be, for lack of a better word, cliche. It's seemed like the typical girl-boy love story, there wasn't anything that stood out to me here.


Overall, these poems have a lot of potential, I hope this review was of help to you.

--Chips

Yoooo "I have you to thank" twice? I see that Ben Folds has grown on you.

Nice beats, by the way. Do you rap?

Hey there!

DarkDewDrops here

(Warning: I believe in "critiquing" not "reviewing", but I mean well, I promise. The key is to improve! )

First off, I am so glad you put several of these on here.
Although, as a small recommendation, you might want to space them out more next time. (It helps with both reading comprehension and dramatic effect!)

My favorite Van Gogh, by far. I love how, because the painting is so famous, you can make such a strong allusion to Starry Night and feel this very strong bond of love between the narrator and the person they are speaking of.

I think that for Remnants, there is a lot you can go into. It is a very cliche poem, but if you ever are bored I would go back and try to revise it into a multiple- stanza poem, or even a short story. There is a lot there to work with.

Also, you could use a bit more imagery here and there, especially in Rifts. I very much enjoyed that one as well, but it certainly could use a little more substance.

Good work, happy writing!

-DarkDewDrops