The Quest
“Adios” I said to the Capitan of the port as we set sail for our journey. It has taken us such a long time to get to this point, for all of us in fact.
For me it all started when I was 7,I heard the story about it and it stuck, for John it was when he was travelling around the Bermuda triangle with the locals, lastly for our capitan he too heard it when he was younger but was coming with us to gain experience to be able to crew out boats.
So what is this journey you may ask, well to be honest to most people it sounds like a fantasy, but to us it was a chance to show others we were right.
We were sailing for about 5 days until Mark (the capitan) asked “Are we ever going to get there or what”? He then asked the biggest question of all “How do we even know when we get there or if we have already passed it”? These were perfectly good questions except I had the answers, I responded
“Until we get there I’m not going to tell either of you”, you may ask, how do you know where you’re going? Well in the many years of planning for this journey you’d think I would’ve thought it through and “yes I have”.
I found it off the coast of Ireland, while I was hiking on the west near a county called Mayo when I came across a hermit, he was a lovely man we talked for many hours I even stayed a night there. When I was leaving he said to me “Take something”, not knowing what he meant, I asked him” What do you mean”? That is when he showed me a little chest containing many strange objects. I chose a scroll as the rest looked like they would’ve fallen apart in your hands. The next day when I was in the bus travelling back home I opened the scroll containing a map and that’s how I have the co-ordinates.
On the 8 day we were there, so we got our diving gear set up to go down. “So how far down?” John asked “To tell you the truth I don’t know” I answered, then Mark said to not be down to long as the cans aren’t fully full.
20 minutes later John and I were down under the ocean thrilled to be about to discover a lost island, “so what do you think we are going to find?” John asked.
“I dunno maybe statues or money that they used or maybe even cemeterys that we can use to see if they were really were extra-terrestrials”
“That would be amazing”
“That’s it”
“Where?”
“Right there, don’t you see it?”
“Ah yes that shiny thing, really you think that’s it?”
“I think so”
We swam over to the shiny object and there it was! Atlantis! Well not Atlantis but actually the top of a building made out of what looks like emerald.
5 years later here I’m writing about my adventure.
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Top of the morning, NympheaLily here!
I just wanted to say that this is a great start to a really good adventure story and I would really like to read more of it. Even though in the description you said your teacher made you do it, I think that you could expand on this a lot more if you tried. The beginning was a good, solid introduction and it helps get into the plot a lot more.
Here are a few nit picks:
1)"For me it all started when I was 7,I heard the story about it and it stuck, for John it was when he was travelling around the Bermuda triangle with the locals, lastly for our capitan he too heard it when he was younger but was coming with us to gain experience to be able to crew out boats."
So here's a few things about this sentence. I feel like it went on for a little too long and that you should separate them into different sentences. There are quite a few spelling errors in here that I think you should fix and also a missing space between '7' and 'I heard'.
2)"until Mark (the capitan)"
Here, I think instead of parenthesis, you should use commas. Maybe something like; 'until Mark, our captain, blah blah blah whatever goes here'.
3)I think you should make every piece of dialogue it's own paragraph unless it's the same person talking. This way, it'll be neater and also easier to understand.
Of course, you by any means do not have to take my suggestions at all. These are only things that I think you should fix and not what should be fixed.
Here are some of my favorite parts of your story:
1) "I found it off the coast of Ireland, while I was hiking on the west near a county called Mayo when I came across a hermit, he was a lovely man we talked for many hours I even stayed a night there. When I was leaving he said to me “Take something”, not knowing what he meant, I asked him” What do you mean”? That is when he showed me a little chest containing many strange objects. I chose a scroll as the rest looked like they would’ve fallen apart in your hands. The next day when I was in the bus travelling back home I opened the scroll containing a map and that’s how I have the co-ordinates."
This is a perfect example of a great back story where you show us what has been happening and why the character(s) are on this quest.
2)"5 years later here I’m writing about my adventure."
Great cliffhanger! I have a love hate relationship with cliffhangers but they are so awesome especially used in adventure stories to get your readers wrapped.
Well, I've run out of things to say. This is a really good start, other than minor errors, and I can't wait to read more if you do publish more. And as always, KEEP THOSE FINGERS TYPING!
Ciao!
~NympheaLily
I love your idea for this story! Just a few minor things to fix. Some basic grammar, punctuation, and spelling things, mainly with telling the story in the past tense. I love the word choice for this, but adding a few little extra words in there that may be able to help describe emotions and actions better. Other than that, it’s amazing and I can’t wait to read the next piece you have.
-Ruby