What are those words that fall on deaf ears, as you watch the one you love let go? All the "I should've," the "I could've" all now a distant memory as you hold those words in like a ball of thorns stuck in your throat unable to swallow or let out. They yearn for their release, as you go on about life trying to forget the one that's gone. They forever stay there locked in your heart weighing down on you like a bag of stones till the day you see that person again. Then finally, you're face to face with them; you'll be heading to work and they'll be on their way to get coffee at the cafe y'all would always visit. You think to yourself, "I'm ready," but in reality you're not. They say "Hi" and ask how the years been. You give a generic response, "It's been good," then awkward silence fills the air; they say goodbye and you see them walk away like you did all those years ago unable to speak as that ball of thorns fills your throat again. As they disapear in the distance, your left in silence forever with your unspoken words.
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hey Pablo! First of all, thanks for posting this. It was a pleasure to read. Let's jump right into the review, shall we?
To begin, the formatting really stood out to me. It feels like this follows all of your thoughts that you're thinking, just put right onto the page. It definitely feels more like prose poetry, which is something that I love a lot. I like how you used quotes to share these direct thoughts, also adding more things that you think about as you reflect on these topics.
I really loved these two lines. That yearning for a release, because you cannot forget someone who you have lost. I like how you contrast them being gone with once you finally find them. I also love the imagery that you build in these sentences, for example when you talk about the bag of stones, weighing you down. That really captures that feeling of grief, for me.
You talk about finally being reunited with this person, only to make small talk, for them to disappear again. You go back into this yearning for them, it's almost like an everlasting cycle of missing someone then seeing them, then having them leave again. It's like you never quite get a fulfillment, perhaps you want to love this person, or be closer to them, but it never comes. Overall, I love the simplicity and laid-back style of this poem. It really did feel like a conversation or like a journal entry. Nice work building this calm and consistent, but powerful tone. Have a lovely day and keep writing!
Your friend,
Ellie
Coming in to review this amazing piece!
First of all, welcome to YWS! We’re so happy to have you here and from the looks of this piece, you’re an amazing writer!
Although at first glance this piece doesn’t look like a poem, I think you made the right choice in categorizing it as a poem. The rich metaphors and detail show that for sure. I love how you describe the feeling of running into someone you used to love. “Ball of thorns” and “bag of stones” are so unique, and I haven’t seen them used in any other poems! This really shows you have a command over metaphors.
I do have one suggestion, though. I saw you used “y’all” in one of your lines, and while it’s not inappropriate in a poem, I don’t think it fits in this context. There’s no other line indicating that the narrator would be one to use “y’all”, and it kind of breaks up the tone you have going.
Other than that, I have no criticism! I think you did great on this work and I can’t wait to see what else you create on YWS.
Again, welcome, and have a good day/night!
<3, Meenal (theromanticchemist)