All of this was my fault. How could I have let this happen! I shouldn't have been so careless. Amy was dead; I couldn't do anything about it.
Why did I have to be a damn shield? It was me they wanted - not her. It was my job to protect her and I failed. I couldn't be more pathetic. That's what I got for being so foolishly arrogant.
I never asked for this. I have always wondered, why me? I wasn't prepared for this. I was only sixteen for God's sake!
I mean don't get me wrong, I loved having powers. Although, all this responsibility was kind of disconcerting. Having to protect innocents wasn't something I was accustomed to do on a daily basis.
When I finally finished my internal battle, I took in my surroundings. Where was I? I only remembered leaving the house and 'walking' aimlessly. It was immensely cold and dark out. It had to be at least two in the morning.
Wait a minute, was I going toward a dead end? The air was moist and there was shattered glass everywhere. I was caged in by old brick buildings and there were spider webs in the corners. I also happen to notice it was really quiet... Too quiet.
That's when a feel an icy cold breath at the back of my neck, sending a shiver down my spine. Too frightened to look, I turned around with my eyes closed.
"Esther Zehira," said an incredibly suave voice.
I opened my eyes and there in front of me was the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy well this is an interesting one. It seems like you're trying to portray a character that is being a bit overrun with guilt here at having failed in what they are meant to do and we're trying to have them reflect on it, but honestly what's coming across is less guilt and more complaining. I don't know if maybe that's the final intention there to have this character come off not particularly likeable because if that's the case, this is perfect. Otherwise we're falling way short on showcasing any actual guilt here.
Hmm well the way we're just skipping right past that death and straight to simply just excuses really isn't doing much as far as having me root for this character is concerned which kind of then makes the other bit of tension hit slightly differently because we don't necessarily end up caring for this character's wellbeing here.
Well that took a turn there and I'm honestly left feeling a bit confused there. By the time we reached the ending of this I was honestly left feeling like we'd come to an entirely different story. On its own, this is a decent enough ending here, its a solid cliffhanger that does make you curious, but attached to the rest of this story it honestly just doesn't work at all and feels very disconnected. You might want to take a second look at that one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Man, your main character is whiny!
Yes that was my first thought when reading this. My second was I wonder where this is heading because I expect whiny characters to have something really misfortune happen to them because they shouldn't be so whiny. ;-]
Also, it might just be my lack of sleep, but the first bit and the last bit don't really fit. The first bit makes me think there is going to be a flash back. But the second bit sounds like that the first bit were the thoughts she was thinking of as she was walking aimlessly (which by the way, awesome points for having her stubble onto her adventure and not having it forced onto her... at least not completely). Which makes me wonder what happened to her before this walking around aimlessly and bumping into "the most beautiful creature she has ever seen".
What I liked about this was how it caught my attention by making me ask tons of questions. I now want to know the answer to those questions your story brought up, so I am going to be following your story. Also the whole powers thing is making me wonder if this is going to be a super hero or a witch-y tale. =]
Keep writing,
Stevie
First I want to notify you that you are changing your tenses in this piece, and that annoys me and somehow confuses me a bit.
For example:
Since you have written the piece in imperfect you should write this part in the perfect tense.
"It had been my job to protect her and I had failed."
"I had always wondered, why me?"
Those were just two examples.
Then there were some context related issues:
all in all it was a good preface.
keep writing.
cheers ~Anzius.
I like it, the beginning really grabs you, but...on to reviewing.
The beginning flows well but once you get to "When I finally finished...", you know, out of his mind and into the world, it starts to get choppy. You should probably try mixing the description of the world throughout or keeping the two parts completely separate and just expand them both.
[quote] All of this was my fault. [/quote] Catchy intro. I like it.
I just love the way you jump right to the action instead of throwing in a bunch of details I don't really care about. You caught my attention right from the start and piqued my curiosity: what exactly is a shield? who is Amy and why were you protecting her? why did anyone want you dead? what powers do you have?
I could list many more questions that went flying through my mind as I read the few paragraphs you've written. Still, for the sake of brevity I'll stop listing them and get on to the rest of my review.
I know this sounds like something your english teacher would say, but I think it would help you to vary your sentence structure. Almost all your sentences start with "I" and then a phrase describing how you felt. It gets kind of repetetive after a while.
Other than that, though, the story's pretty good. It certainly gort my attention, and I'll be sure to read your next submission to see what happens next!
I LOVE it!! It's very, very cool. It's interesting too. I can't wait to read the next part.
I would love to know the physical description of the man.
I didn't notice any mistakes.
Keep it up!
wookielover17
May the force be with you...
Hiya,
)
Review time
Okey dokey, here we go:(I apologize in advance if my bolds are broken
All in all I like this. There’s a lot of suspense in it and I’m really looking forward to reading the next part.
PM me when the next part is posted
xxxx
Hiya there!
This is a nice beginning to a story. The "children with special powers" thing is used fairly often, but definitely not done to death. I can see many, many creative routes you could take this down.
This line is waaaaay too cliche and funny-sounding. I don't think humor is what you're going for here.
Overall this was really good, though. I noticed a instances of missing punctuation, but I don't feel like being nitpicky right now, and there were very few, so I'm letting it slide.
PM me when the next installment is out, 'kay?
-Hawkie-
First, I am proud to say I'm your first review and you bff. Second this is so so so so cool! I loved it and it's just the preface I can't wait for you to write more. Please write more soon.
Okay now to sound like a reviewer.I did not see any mistakes. Even though it was short it was very interesting and I can't wait to see where you go with this.
Your best friend in the whole wide world
Blue-Socks