All of this was my fault. How could I have let this happen! I shouldn't have been so careless. Amy was dead; I couldn't do anything about it.
Why did I have to be a damn shield? It was me they wanted - not her. It was my job to protect her and I failed. I couldn't be more pathetic. That's what I got for being so foolishly arrogant.
I never asked for this. I have always wondered, why me? I wasn't prepared for this. I was only sixteen for God's sake!
I mean don't get me wrong, I loved having powers. Although, all this responsibility was kind of disconcerting. Having to protect innocents wasn't something I was accustomed to do on a daily basis.
When I finally finished my internal battle, I took in my surroundings. Where was I? I only remembered leaving the house and 'walking' aimlessly. It was immensely cold and dark out. It had to be at least two in the morning.
Wait a minute, was I going toward a dead end? The air was moist and there was shattered glass everywhere. I was caged in by old brick buildings and there were spider webs in the corners. I also happen to notice it was really quiet... Too quiet.
That's when I felt an icy cold breath at the back of my neck, sending a shiver down my spine. Too frightened to look, I turned around with my eyes closed.
"Esther Zehira," said an incredibly suave voice.
I opened my eyes and there in front of me was the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,622 Literary Works • 673,563 Reviews
Hey I really liked this and actually really want to read more...
All of this was my fault. How could I have let this happen! I shouldn't have been so careless. Amy was dead; I couldn't do anything about it. Love the beginning very powerful, and is very direct.
Why did I have to be a damn shield? It was me they wanted - not her. It was my job to protect her and I failed. I couldn't be more pathetic. That's what I got for being so foolishly arrogant.
I never asked for this. I have always wondered, why me? I wasn't prepared for this. I was only sixteen for God's sake!
I mean don't get me wrong, I loved having powers. Although, all this responsibility was kind of disconcerting.Okay I think this should be one sentence like: “I mean don’t get me wrong, I love having powers, though all this responsibility is kind of disconcerting.” Having to protect innocents wasn't something I was accustomed to do on a daily basis.I changed was to is, because of you next sentence, it made it sound like something that is still kind of happening.
When I finally finished my internal battle, I took in my surroundings. Where was I? I only remembered leaving the house and 'walking' aimlessly. It was immensely cold and dark out. It had to be at least two in the morning.Absolutely love your strong vocabulary; it paints a really good picture for the reader.
Wait a minute;was I going toward a dead end? The air was moist and there was shattered glass everywhere. I was caged in by old brick buildings and there were spider webs in the corners. I also happen to notice it was really quiet... Too quiet. That’s almost a clique, and perhaps if I were you I’d consider a rewording the clique to be unique, but since you’re the writer keep it however you like it.
That's when I felt an icy cold breath at the back of my neck, sending a shiver down my spine. Too frightened to look, I turned around with my eyes closed.
"Esther Zehira," said an incredibly suave voice.
I opened my eyes and there in front of me was the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.Love how this ending doesn’t give you a lot of information, it keeps you guessing but also, it gives you enough information to want to read more. Well, at least I want to read more.
Any questions, comments, or if you think I completely missed the mark, feel free to email me.
Keep writing, because I'll be looking for you,
Erin
Hey.
This was good but short enough that I can't really say much about it. I liked that you explained a lot in small hints. It was good but I can't tell is your main character a man or a woman? I hear the Esther thing but still. I think that your character doesn't seem very sincere in her mini-rant thing. It seems to up beat. PM me when you post the next part.
~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Insanity