Published September 13, 2009
**This is my first ever post here on YWS. Please tell me what you think, and be as brutal as you need to be. ^_^ Tell me if you don't like it or if you think I should continue this, and while you're at it...rip it to shreds! (:
Prologue
I have no idea why strange things happen to me. I’m not saying I don’t like it, but I’m also not saying that I do like it either. I just tolerate it. Sometimes it’s nice to have attention drawn to me when I live in a world where no one else cares about my life.
I guess the weird things starting happening when I was born. I like to call it ‘my untimely birth.’ Elmira doesn’t like it when I say that though. She's the type of person who sees the good in people, even when they do horrible things. Sometimes I wonder how she can see any good in certain people. People like me.
Elmira found me at the edge of a lake, a note attached to me. I didn’t have a single blanket, only a diaper. I was on the verge of freezing. The note said that I was the death of my mother and to leave me to drown in the lake. I later found out that my father killed himself soon after he disposed of me, I assume to join my mother. He had placed me just out of reach of the lake’s water, had Elmira not found me, I would have eventually been swept into the lakes unforgiving waters.
My parents had run away. They were the hippie type and believed that love would take them to new heights. I’m also assuming drugs had a major part in this. Still, they took off, never thinking about children.
I believe conceived on an old, cheap motel mattress, somewhere where they had the money to stay a few days. Don’t ask me how I know this. I don’t even know. All I know is that my gut instinct is normally correct and for some reason I just had a feeling that this is how things happened.
Elmira took me to the hospital immediately, once she had found me. On the outside I looked like I was halfway frozen, but the doctors said I was completely healthy. Probably the healthiest baby there.
That’s another one of those other weird things about me. I never get sick. Ever. I’ve never even had the chicken pox. Elmira says it’s because I’ve been dealt so many tough things that life has finally cut me a break. I’m pretty sure that’s a lie. I’m just strange. I’ve always been strange. There’s really no other explanation.
Maybe I deserve to be different. To never be accepted. After all, I had taken my mother’s life. Maybe it was my fate to live alone. I thrive in loneliness, after all. The only one I’ve ever been close to, the only one that I love is Elmira. She is the only mother I’ve ever known. She’s the closest one to me, even if I can’t exactly relate to her. No matter what she believes, we are two completely different people. I am in my own category. I will be alone, always alone. I am different and that’s what separates me, not just from Elmira, but from the rest of the world.
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139,747 Literary Works • 672,690 Reviews
Sounds cool, can't wait to read the rest!
It's ok. Could be something really good. Sounds to me like a mix of The Lightning Thief and Harry Potter, which is why I'm not as intrigued.
I noticed this:
I believe conceived on an old, cheap motel mattress, somewhere where they had the money to stay a few days.
I think this should be:
I believe I was conceived on an old, cheap motel mattress, somewhere they had the money to stay for a few days.
That's the only grammar spelling error I noticed. Yay for you!
I think you should continue this story. I don't really have much else to say. I'd be happy to read another installment if and when you write one.
Good luck and keep writing!
Oops I just noticed I've posted the same thing twice! Sorry, I was trying to edit my post.
I noticed this:[quote="OynxFire"]\
I believe conceived on an old, cheap motel mattress, somewhere where they had the money to stay a few days. \.[/quote]
I think this should be:
I believe [b]I was[b] conceived on an old, cheap motel mattress, somewhere where they had the money to stay a few days.
That's the only grammar spelling error I noticed. Yay for you!
I think you should continue this story. I don't really have much else to say. I'd be happy to read another installment if and when you write one.
Good luck and keep writing!
I'm sorry that I didn't answer you! This guy is actually a girl! ^_^
Also, when I was working on the 'revised' version, I considered dropping this entire prolouge and just add most of the information to the first chapter. I'm not sure yet. (:
Sorry again, Lorril!
I'm asking here again, what gender is this guy?
Hey, I'm blackpencil and I'm reviewing your work today.
First of all, it seems extremely interesting, and I like the way you start it off.
I think you mean started happening
Sometimes long senteces are better. You could've condensed this in a sentence like "I like to call it 'my untimely birth', but Elmira doesn't like it when I say that." Remember to use conjunctions, but don't make sentences go on and on and on and on and on... etc. etc.
Why wouldn't his father simply just throw the baby in the lake?
Run away from what?
Do you mean I believe I was conceived on an old, cheap motel matress
Depending on the age of this person, that isn't this weird. I know a few people like this. So far, really, nothing has been weird about this guy, actually, except appearing half-frozen and being perfectly healthy.
How is this when he has already said that he enjoys a little attention? And the next thing he says is he loves Elmira. How is that when he thrives on lonliness?
And one last attack: Is the prologue really nescessary? You could've easily fit it into Chapter One.
Hi, OnyxFire, I'll be your reviewer for today. ^^
The first thing I have to ask: is this prologue really necessary? All of this information and backstory seems like it could easily be incorporated into the narrative of a first chapter; there's no special need for a prologue. I notice a lot of people like to write short prologues that contain their protagonist's (or their fantasy world's) backstory, but to me that's an incorrect and almost boring use of a prologue. I tend to think of a prologue as a short vignette only nominally connected to the story proper--it can be a scene taking place long before the story starts, or a scene involving side characters or villains. This is just my opinion, of course, so you don't have to give a camel's behind for it, but keep that in mind. There's nothing in this prologue that a first chapter shouldn't have.
The one thing that really bothered me was the MC's constant self-pity. Having a protagonist who isn't in love with themselves, and who experiences some self-doubt, is all rate, but your MC goes too far in the opposite direction. The entire time I was reading the prologue, I kept envisioning an emo girl who cuts herself and writes dark poetry on her MySpace page. It's good that she actually has a personality, unlike so many interchangeable first-person YA heroines, but the personality is a very off-putting one and I'm not sure if I'm willing to put up with her for the entire novel if her every other line is going to be whining about how she doesn't deserve to live and is all alone. Lines like:
do not make me sympathize with or care for your MC. They make me want to tell her to buck up and get a guidance counselor.
Now, I'm not saying make her happy and bubbly and a Pollyanna--given her past history, that would be completely absurd. She should have an element of darkness and self-hatred, but not to the strong, overpowering extents here. Keep it subtle. Tune it to the extent of the "bad" things she has done. As far as I know, the only "bad" thing she has ever done is cause her parents to abandon her, and honestly, that's their fault, not hers. It makes it seem like she's wallowing in self-hatred for nothing.
I think my biggest problem is that the self-loathing is text, not subtext. She goes right out and goes on and on about how unloveable she is, how alone she is, whereas it'd be much more effective if she didn't say anything directly to that effect. Just her story alone is enough to get us to feel sorry to her, and maybe a mention of two of how she feels unworthy of Elmira's love.
I do like Elmira's relationship with the MC, and feel that could be a strong redeeming point for her--she definitely doesn't feel ungrateful for Elmira's love, which is already a point against emo-ness. So far, we only have the vaguest hinting of their relationship, but it's already enough to intrigue me and wish to meet Elmira's character. It feels realistic, especially how the MC still is embittered to a degree. That's the way life is; love isn't a cure-all. Yet you can tell, from the way the MC talks about Elmira, that their love is indeed genuine and mutual. And I love stories that explore unconventional families, especially how "family" isn't just a tie of blood.
I'm also liking the subtle hintings at the greater fantasy storyline through elements such as the MC never getting sick, and I get the feeling the tale of her birth isn't 100 percent true as well. It's my favorite way of easing into urban fantasy--through subtle hints from the beginning we're made amenable to the idea that something fantastical is possible even in the otherwise mundane setting (JK Rowling uses this to great effect; just see the first chapter in Harry Potter featuring the Dursleys). Of course, the sooner something explicitly "fantasy" shows up, the better.
The best of luck in editing, and PM me if you have any questions, comments, or concerns. ^^
Thank you all so much for your reveiws! (: I appreciate you, Lorril, for giving me stuff to work on. I see where you're coming from. ^_^
Well, except for the Harry-Potter orphan thing. Haha. I really don't see that at all. Sorry.
I will try to go over this and use some of the advice you gave me.
Thanks again to all! (:
It's ok, I suppose.
Some more work could be put into it.
First of all, I think you go too deep into the character's history too soon. It's the prologue, so people want to be interested and not bored. Do keep the stuff in, but reveal it slowly. So first mention that she's orphaned. The reader then has questions. And then reveal she was abandoned ... and so and so on.
Keep them hooked, make them read and then give them a treat
Also, I don't see the fantasy genre. I think when readers read the first few bits, they want to see elements of their favourite genre come in. You mention that they're special - but that's it.
I mean, a soldier could be special. A survivor of a zombie attack could be special. Do you get the picture?
So yeah, just include a bit more.
Also, put a bit more description into your main character please. I don't know whether they're a boy or girl :S You might mention it somewhere, but if you don't stress it, they won't remember it. If i don't know what they look like, or what gender they are, i can't picture them and i feel less connected to the writing.
Lastly, what's your hook?
It doesn't seem unique or anything.
It seems all a bit harry-potter-orphan-y. So yeah, make the story different.
Hope you take my feedback
Please PM a second draft, I'd love to read it
Lorril.
This was extremely intriguing. It caught my attention. I would love to see more by you soon. You have expounded a lot on her loneliness and as of right now I think it is all right. However, if you continue in the same way describing her loneliness I can assure you that I will get very bored very quickly
Just a heads up for when you post more (which you had better do soon). In addition, I would love feeling some of what she is feeling maybe you get your readers to walk in her shoes. At the moment, you are describing her past so the writing style you used was perfect, also I would like to point out how colorful your writing was, I saw everything you wrote so vividly. Nice job. I am not a spelling or grammar person so you can ask some one else how that was 
so far you have gotten me hooked! Great stuff.
The Panda
This is awesome!