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The Glistening Home

by Oxara

A glistening horizon

The salty wind whispering in my hair

A wave of the golden sea gently rocked me    

The boom swayed to the rocks and win


The yellows meddling with the pinks and oranges

On that glistening horizion

The sublte shifts of the wind

On my shining boat


The waves welcome me

To their sweet embrace

They take me back

To where I belong


A subtle ripple

That is all I am here

In this great golden Sea

On the gleaming deck


I let my worries go

And the world floats by

As if attesting to my power

As I drift along my gistening home

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90 Reviews

Points: 2462
Reviews: 90

Sat Jan 12, 2019 12:57 pm
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AvantCoffee wrote a review...

Hi Ox! I saw this in the poetry jam WFP... *tries to remember which one* and thought it was lovely, so here's a review!

I can see you've gravitated towards imagery in this poem – a lot of painting the scene through the senses, and you did well keeping the ocean theme consistent throughout its entirety. It feels raw and loose and trusting, which makes me want to sway along with the lines, flow wherever the poem is leading. Overall I found this most pleasant~

I'll review this from top to bottom, so hold onto your hat.

The opening line is wonderful. It immediately transported me to a view of sunlight reflecting off the ocean sea line.

The salty wind whispering in my hair

What is it whispering? You chose the word whisper where you could have instead used tossing/ruffling/lapping/playing etc., so why is it whispering, and what does it have to say? Word choice shapes a poem's entire character, since every word has its own distinct meaning. This idea of wind whispering is interesting because it personifies this natural element, so yeah, if you wanted to further enrich what you're trying to say in this poem, you could try expanding this. c:

A wave of the golden sea gently rocked me

The boom swayed to the rocks and win

This feels a little repetitive to me. "Gently rocked" and "swayed" are very similar, so maybe you could replace one of these with a less conventional way of describing the picture you want to create here. Also, it seems like you wanted to have the word wind after "rocks and" in this later line. Win doesn't make much sense for me in this context.

The second stanza doesn't seem to serve much purpose, other than to add to the image of this beautiful scene. I would suggest either removing this stanza entirely or modifying it so that it has something to contribute to the meaning of the poem, which seems to be letting go and trusting that you are coming home. It might be interesting to focus this stanza on the detaching aspect of the poem.

Ooh~ The third stanza is particularly nice with the waves' embrace transitioning into being taken to where the speaker belongs. It really feels like the waves are coming in to wrap around this speaker before pulling them out to this place. There's a real ebb and flow sensation going on here, which of course fits well with the ocean imagery.

Oooh, and the fourth stanza you introduce the idea of individual insignificance. This progression adds an almost spiritual element to the poem (which I happen to think works). There is, however, a lot of gleaming and shining and glistening repeated, and it starts to feel like a bit of an overkill around this point for me. You could try substituting these adjectives by comparing the aspects/objects of the scene with things associated with gleaming.
e.g. Instead of "On the gleaming deck" it could be "On the pearl-slick deck", since pearls are known to be shiny. idk that just popped in my head, but yeah! You can get inventive with it. :3

The last stanza definitely feels like a conclusion, so nice job there. The whole time I wondered if the "glistening home" was a specific location that the ocean was transporting the speaker to, but it happened to be the entire ocean itself. By the end there is a sense of completion, of arriving. Lovely.

My final suggestion is a grammatical one, but before you start throwing chairs in my general direction hear me out first: with poetry it isn't necessary to capitalise every new line if it isn't the start of a new "sentence". So like with...
The yellows meddling with the pinks and oranges

On that glistening horizion

... you don't need to capitalise "on", since it's technically a continuation of the line/"sentence" before. I mean, artistic license, but there you go.

Okay! I think we're about do—

Oh wait, I forgot about the title. The title is fitting because it almost represents/foreshadows the goal of the poem, the destination, as the speaker pulls safely towards this glistening home. Yay~

Alright, that'll do me. I hope to see more poems from you, Ox! c:

— Coffee

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562 Reviews

Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

Sat Jan 12, 2019 12:50 pm
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...

Hello Oxara, Shikora here with a review for you.

So lets get right to it.

I really like the name you have picked for this poem, I think it's really fitting. The words you chose was really nice they just molded together really well. I really wish you had made your poem longer, but that's just because I wanted to read more of it. But it was nice ti wasn't to short, it let me dwell in this little world you had made. You made it feel so real with the emotion you put into your writing.

But there was one thing I saw, and I'll point that out now.
As much as I liked reading your poem, the flow wasn't as good as it could be with out punctuation, but I'm here to help you with that. the reason you have to put punctuation in your works is that it tells your reader were to stop and take breath, other wise it feels a little rushed. So if you have a hard time putting your commas and stuff in the right places, then read your work aloud to yourself and were ever you stop to take a breath you should put a comma or something in that spot.

Well that's it from me for now. I really liked reading and reviewing your work, and it was nice to give you a review after you reviewed both of my chapters. So never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D

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33 Reviews

Points: 5541
Reviews: 33

Sat Jan 12, 2019 5:36 am
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Oxara says...

Notice that the dashes are only for lines breaks cause YWS publishing center doesn't like me

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.
— Mark Twain