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The Moon's Oath To the Sun

by Owl


Today I spotted
Along the dreary and worn-out horizon,
Her bright face
Looking ever so fatigued.

She was not smiling;
And her eyes
Told stories of fire,
Too warm
To grasp.

However, she was still warm;
And I reached out
To touch her radiant light.

Again I missed;
And my hopes drifted
Back to my dreams--
Back to where they belong.

Her desperation saddened me;
As I gazed into her fading
Glow.

And just for a moment--
As I knew our time was dissolving;
I whispered,
"Your brilliance
Mirrors off my very being;
You are the only reason
Why I shine.

So please,
My dearest star,
I beg you not to extinguish
The light
I and and many others
Call home. "

And for a moment she looked up;
In despair and desolation;
And the thought that she didn't hear me
Didn't seem entirely real.

So as she slowly drifted away,
I ruefully waved goodbye,
Only hoping she knew
That she was loved.

For a brief moment,
I thought I saw something glimmer
In her eyes;

And the sky could barely contain
The brightness of her smile,
Even if it was only
For a second.

And when the darkness became the Earth,
And took over
The sky,
She didn't hesitate
To lend me the warmth
Of her everlasting
Luminescence.

And the night;
The black bleakness that
Settled over us
Was now illuminated with
The bright rays
Of her beauty.


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44 Reviews


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Reviews: 44

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Tue Jun 16, 2015 8:19 pm
EmmVeePi wrote a review...



Emm here with a review and first of all what a lovely piece. It is both beautifully written as well as written about such wondrous heavenly bodies(I've always been enamored with the space above us and the things that inhabit it).

In the 4th verse you write "again I missed" though I do not notice a reference to missing previously. It is a little nit picky I know but it sticks out at me. If it were my own work I might use the word "sadly" in the place of "again".

3rd line 7th verse eliminate "to". "I beg you not extinguish" would work better I think.

The end of the 12th verse is nothing short of fantastic, specifically the word "luminescence" a word that is so beautiful in its own right and also so underused that it stands out as a beautiful blossom in a vast dead field(that field being the words we use all too often, not your poem).

In you final verse you write of the bleakness that has settled over us but I feel as if the "us" you are referring to is the sun and the moon(am I mistaken?) and therefor the bleakness would be either beneath us or between us as it would be over the earth.

All in all I found this piece to be very close to magical and enjoyed reading it several times over. Keep up your great work and please keep writing. I hope I've been of help.

EmmVeePi




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Thu Apr 30, 2015 3:10 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Owl! Another owl here to review this poem!

Overall, I really like the imagery you have in here. But I think it could be a little tighter, so you get the most out of every word.

The first stanza makes me think of a challenge issued for NaPoWriMo to write a poem without ANY adjectives or adverbs. It was difficult, but I think it really makes for more interesting images. I'm not saying you should get rid of every single adjective, but it sometimes helps to look at the bare bones to see what's really necessary.

Today I spotted
Along the horizon
Her face.

That's the first stanza without the adjectives. I'd consider looking at more interesting ways to express these ideas. I think "worn-out horizon" works because I've never seen that comparison before, but you could lose "dreary". There's probably a better way to say fatigued, like maybe "her face had forgotten how to sleep". A bit longer, but more vivid for sure.

The second stanza is lovely, though I don't think any punctuation is needed.

Third stanza: I don't like the repetition of "warm". I would start with "I reached out".

"Again I missed"--Again? There's no mention of a first attempt that I see. I would lose the semi-colon as well. Otherwise, I like this.

Her desperation saddened me;
As I gazed into her fading
Glow.


I would lose the first line. In general, I advise against using abstractions in poetry. It's kind of boring and takes away from all the lovely imagery. If you want to work with this, you could have her do something that shows her desperation without flat out saying it. I love the second clause--it has that punch of imagery.

"And just for a moment". This is another line you could easily remove. It's followed by the much more interesting "our time was dissolving", which also would flow perfectly after the fading glow.

Your brilliance
Mirrors off my very being;


This confuses me a little. "She" is the Sun and the speaker is the Moon, right? I'm reading this as "You reflect off of me", which would be the opposite of what really happens. Think about rewording this.

I and and many others
Call home.


Wait, what others? This is a story about the moon and the sun. It feels weirdly abrupt to suddenly mention other people.

And for a moment she looked up;
In despair and desolation;
And the thought that she didn't hear me
Didn't seem entirely real.


I think you could use more imagery and be more concise her. A suggestion: "When she looked up, eyes hollow, I thought she could hear me."

So as she slowly drifted away,
I ruefully waved goodbye,
Only hoping she knew
That she was loved.


I crossed out the adverbs as I think you could do without them.

And when the darkness became the Earth,


Not sure "became" is the right word here. Maybe something like "covered" or "blanketed"?

Love the ending!

Okay, now I want to make a general comment about the line breaks. They're often really short, which is okay, and it's your choice. However, I'm not sure it fits the piece. This is a narrative piece that has some dreamlike imagery, which to me suggests that longer line breaks would make more sense. I struggle with line breaks myself, so it's something I think you learn about as you read and write more.

Overall, this is a well-written narrative legend. However, I think it could be trimmed a bit and reworded in some parts. Great job, welcome to YWS, and most importantly, keep writing! :D




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Thu Apr 30, 2015 1:57 am
hermione315 wrote a review...



Hi! Hermione here for a review. First of all, welcome to YWS! This poem of yours was absolutely amazing and beautiful. It made me melt. There were only a few little mistakes I noticed. First of all, the semi-colons you used in most instances were unnecessary, and would've worked better as commas.

And for a moment she looked up;
In despair and desolation;
And the thought that she didn't hear me
Didn't seem entirely real.


In this stanza, I think you should get rid of the punctuation on the first line. Whenever reading this, I didn't naturally want to pause in that spot. And then you should change the semi-colon to a comma after the word desolation.

Capitalization in poetry is of course up to the writer's discretion, but in my opinion I think this poem would look neater if you didn't capitalize every line. I would suggest capitalizing the first word of every stanza or sentence instead.

My favorite stanzas were the last two. They were lovely. You have a good talent and I can't wait to read more from you. Keep writing! And just shoot me a PM if you need help with anything.





Once you have people's attention, you have a greater responsibility to tell them something of value.
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