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The Wanted and Unwanted

by OvrweghtNarwhal, none

The Wanted and Unwanted

There’s a big difference between peasants and nobles. One has everything and the other

has nothing. My name is Qiu Chen Zhao. My life consists of simple things, I start off my day with a bowl of nice, warm, boiled rice that I farmed myself and a glass of polluted water. After that I walk to my nice welcoming brown door,walk out into the sunshine, then I start to harvest the crops in the brown dirt fields, and I throw down seeds until I see the sun go over the hills. I could imagine Nobles just have to sit there and have their slaves feed them all the delicious food they want.

Finally, when the sun goes down over the mountains and everything gets dark, I start getting work done. I’ve done this many times without getting caught. I put my old woven sack over my head and I make sure it still fits. Then I sneak out of my poor sad looking neighborhood with all the run down houses and I run into the big town where there’s some good pickings in the expensive houses, where nobles live. The glass shattered and fell into the grass outside the window and it didn’t make a sound. I scrambled through the window careful as to not wake the sleeping people. I don’t think they heard me for I did it quietly without a sound. I see a glittering jewel on the table glowing in the moonlight, so I grab it and then I hear a loud clink on the ground next to me. I look down and I see a gold ring, still spinning on the ground. I grab it and hear a rustle behind me.

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” There was a loud scream behind me and then, I hear loud quickly paced footsteps down the hall “Zhè shì zěnme huí shì!” (What’s going on down there!) I couldn’t think, I was to scared so, I jumped out the window and I heard a loud crack for I had landed on my leg the wrong way “AWWWWWWWWW!” I felt as if my knee was on fire. As I lay on the ground I hear from above me “ Wǒmen dédàole tā” (We got him). about 4 minutes later I was taken by Large, muscular people in battle armor also known as the forbidden troops. As I lay on the ground in grueling pain all I can hear is “Take him to jail!” Then I was thrown into a cell…

CREEK!! PTf! I hear the cell door closing as I am enveloped in darkness. I could barely see my hands in front of my face for there were only 3 torches in the whole room that let out so little light. I thought to myself “ I need to get out of here.” but I knew there was no hope for I was probably 20ft underground. A day passed and I was fed through a small hole in the cell door. About 3 days passed and I was sick and tired of sitting in a small enclosed space rotting away getting skinnier and skinnier so, I decided to grab the forbidden troops through the large metal bars when he came to feed me then I covered his mouth and choked him. I Stole his keys off his belt and opened the cell door very quietly. I very calmly scrambled up the stairs and looked around. I saw large strong looking guards everywhere, There was no hope for me. I tried to think but my adrenaline was pumping for I was so scared, I tried to hop past a guard but he yelled something and all the other guards and they all stood on alert, then I hopped faster and faster towards the door, they yelled at me but I ignored them for I had a long way to go. A long beautifully crafted battle axe swung past my face so I ducked and barely avoided it hitting me. Then a long bronze sword came and slashed me across the arm, I gushed blood from the gouge. After that I was about at the door when a stone axe blocked my vision.

Death isn’t such a bad thing. It’s peaceful without any farming having to be done and no water to be drank, no rice to be boiled. There’s no sunshine but that never bothered me. It’s quiet with no one else. My leg doesn’t hurt, my head feels better and I’m sure I’ll go mad pretty soon ,but as I’m surrounded in darkness I feel like I’m finally going to be at peace without the worry of being caught.

Is this a review?



Random avatar

Points: 372
Reviews: 4

Mon Mar 14, 2016 9:19 pm
DarkPirate101 wrote a review...

This is not the best book but if you are in to death then you are good. I like how you used chinese names in your stories and I like how historically accurate you are with the weapons. I do wonder though who made the loud scream though. It was just a loud scream and not told who made it so I am just wondering. So again if you want death then this is the book for you. If you want a happy ending look somewhere else.

User avatar

Points: 333
Reviews: 2

Mon Mar 14, 2016 9:09 pm
killerpanda809 wrote a review...

I like that you put some of detail into this story because it made it easier to understand what was going on at that point in the story. I wonder if you could have had a little more detail in the last part when he is in the jail. I like that you made death seem like its not that bad. I wonder if you could fix some run on sentences they through me off some times.

User avatar
44 Reviews

Points: 2722
Reviews: 44

Fri Mar 11, 2016 12:53 pm
Tammi wrote a review...

I appreciate your efforts to make death look "good" in the last paragraph, but that seriously didn't convince me. :P
Now firstly let me give you an overall idea of what I, being a reader, thought of this whole article. The title is catchy, however the content does not relate to the title. But, that matter less when you have got really good content. Which you my friend have meticulously been successful at.(thumbs up!)
Positive traits of your article-
1) The style of writing is easy and expressive, these two qualities form the very base of a emphatic and impressive writer.

I would love to see you work on these areas-
1) When you are writing something make sure it has some sort of message or feeling or anything you wanted to convey. You might wanted to tell us how nobles benefit simply because of being "nobles", in here, but unfortunately that didnt come out well.
2)Are you sure this is an article? I fond it much of a short story. Though its your wish..!
3)Your article began in a very descriptive manner, however from the middle the plot rushed. Make sure you keep an uniform pace through out or speed it up where it is required.

Well, that was from me, i heartily apologize if i became extremely critical, but, i seriously want to read more of such stuff and in a better way. And i am sure you are going to make it excellent some day.
All the best..

OvrweghtNarwhal says...

Thank you for the feed back, It's very helpful and I mean it :)

Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again.
— James R. Cook