This is probably something that I have written for myself, been having nightmares lately, but let me know what you think.
Your hands are cold, gripping my arms as a vice, while my eyes remain closed. I can feel somehow, with a distant knowledge that is not my own, that you do not belong here. Your fingers that strangle my flesh should not be touching me, should not be on me. I am not yours—have not been yours—for some time, though I can tell through your brown eyes that you wish that this was not so. Your eyes are familiar to me, I have known them for too long, and wish they would stop looking at me so.
You murmur quietly, your breath on my cheeks chilling me through. “I will untame you, I will fix you.”
The scent of you makes me recoil—stale cigarettes and a hint of body odor—bringing me back to that day on my mothers couch. The smoke billowing around us, wafting through the air as we sit, laughing on the couch. I smile, you are my best friend, my confidant. I remember, deep down, where my soul has done it's best to cloud the truth from my heart, but through it, I remember what took place next. You reach for me, your lips seeking mine, my heart jumps at your sudden interest in me. You had never thought of me in this way before. You're pulling me closer, crushing me to you while I futilely attempt to pull away. You lean me back on my mothers couch in a way I assume you think is romantic, your breath on me, your hands in my hair. Again I pull away, trying to free my lips from yours so I can ask you to stop. I can tell, somehow, that you know I do not want this, your fingers in my hair tighten, the hand on my arm digging into my flesh. It hurts, I finally pull my lips free, tears streaming down my face.
“Stop, please stop.”
But you don't stop, pressing kisses to my cheeks and my neck telling me that it's okay, your hand pushing up my shirt. I kick out with my feet, a knot in my gut that I had not known before. There had been others before this, those that had taken me without my consent, but never you. Not you who I trusted, not you who I had loved through the hardest of times-- not you.
My mind is in knots, I remember once, how someone had warned me of this, warned me of you. I didn't believe her.
The door opens behind us, and my mothers voice fills the house, and you jump away straightening your clothes. She walks into the room, sees my tears, sees the red on my arms and my neck where you held me down. Her eyes widen slightly, the shock at your actions as evident on her face as I am sure it is on mine. There is a pain in my belly like none I have ever known, and you are the cause.
You do not belong here, telling me that you miss me, miss your best friend. You say I have changed, say that I am not who I once was—stepping into my life like you belong. Like nothing is wrong.
But you do not belong here.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Wow. I can't think of anything else to say except...wow. This is an amazing piece of work. The descriptions are wonderfully vivid, and the story is raw, powerful, and gripping. I honestly can't find a single thing to critique or criticize. EXCELLENT job.
Tiff, I love this. I have no real criqitue here, other than saying that I'm proud of you for posting this.
Superior... getting that from someone like me is pretty hard. Hell, I may not be as "High Ranked" as others but gaining my interest is a pretty hard thing to do.
Dreams are a powerful inspiration in writing (I know from Eight Years of Experience). But Nightmares are a force to be reckoned with to those who can manipulate them and implement them into a story (Also known from Eight Years of experience). Don't view every nightmare as a curse, for they can inspire greatly and attract the masses for telling your dreamt reality.
But be warned... don't let them drag into a state of insanity, because you might not come back out it or worst you might embrace it. Not the insanity that kills people, but more of the cold, cruel and higher state of consciousness insanity.
Hell, you see what I am talking about here?
--Chaos Angelfish
P.S. Crush and Dominate your nightmares so you no longer fear them, for fear only brings death and death brings fear. But remember the warning...
I applaud you for facing this. You said you've been having nightmares, I am sorry, but I can see and understand why. I love how you've displayed this as well. you have a talent and if it makes you feel better to get your thoughts and problems down that just makes it better. So, I wonder has the nightmares stopped or softened up since you've written this? I do hope so.
Hey Tiff!
First off, I liked this - I must say your writing, of late, has improved since last I went over, so, good for you!
I'd just get rid of the vice thing. I think simplicity is your greatest weapon here, without artifice and you do that well throughout.
Again, simplicity. I'd cut this -- as I've demonstrated -- into two sentences.
I would just add a comma after 'neck'.
Period, instead of a comma.
Ahh, Tiff this is incredibly touching. Simply written, but strong. It was very well done indeed and I'm incredibly proud of you
Tiffany,
It's impossible to critique the content on this. It's touching.
[[Your hands are cold, gripping my arms[[[ as a ]]]vice, while my eyes remain closed.]]
I feel like [as a] should be replaced by [like a] because as a makes it seem like your arm is the vice.
(In any case, this isn't an instance for that sort of criticism). I want to say that you're incredibly brave for facing this enough to confront it in memory, and then to go as far as to write about it, and share it. You have my respect and my sympathy -- I can only say thank you for sharing this.
Best--
June
Wow. This is quite a find. I love it. I can't find anything wrong with and I'm in love with you're style of writing. Beautiful. I didn't know that nightmares illicited such wonderful writing.
I can't say anything else. This really is a wondrous piece of art. Perhaps, enough to say that this does not belong here. It belongs in it's very own book.
Have A Nice Day.
Azrael.
I like this alot.
I think your style of writing is really unique, and that the story is very different--everything from the idea to the way it's written. A few things I like, expecially, are:
1) I like the way you used the word vice here, unlike somthing that is seen in modern literature out today.
2)Even though this is not a "happy" scene, I really like your immagery. I can really see everything happening in my head; like its a movie.
3)This is a great way to end it.
I really like your writing, and I hope to read more from you soon. I really want to know (if/ what) happens next!