Her feet pound the pavement,
slapping incessantly against
hard concrete.
Her limbs burn,
sweat oozes from her pores.
Her lungs blaze with
every intake of air.
She sputters,
pleading, “water.”
Still she does not know
What she is running from.
Each muscle aches more
and more with each
agonizing footfall.
Her sweat soaked hair
wraps itself around her
neck. Constricting her
until soon
she is gasping for
breath.
She cries, “help.”
Still she does not know
What she is running from.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
I felt like this piece would should have gone on for longer, maybe even to covey the long hard slog of running in itself. It stopped far too abruptly for my liking.
The rest of this is good. The description is raw, and very graphic. Perfect for running, when one would expect to experience their body reacting, and their mind trying to work things out on the way.
However it didn't really wow me. I liked, rather than loved it. That said, as a runner myself you certainly conveyed the theme well.
Eimear
That should be
This (below),
I think, would sound better if it was
Because you did say "she cries" instead of "she says."
I've read quite a few of your poems and you put line breaks in really interesting places, which kind of reminds me of Walt Whitman's poetry. :]
It's fascinating how it sounds when I read it out loud and pause after each line break.
I think it's a neat style, though.
Nice work and the end is mystifying--I like it.
- Summerless <3~
Yeah, I agree with previous revierwers; rather short. Could do with another stanza.
You definately need more imagery, stronger, too. Go into detail more, develop your ideas fully, don't just mention all that's on your mind briefly. Better to mention only a couple of things, but develop them as much as possible, than vaguely talk about everything.
Anyway, quite good, this has a lot of potential
I was amazed when I had read two stanzas and was going down for more. But then it just stopped. So I suggest you write at least one more stanza because I think it would do well.
I agree with Adnamarine, but I liked this still. It would be just fine with a third stanza and nothing else.
Feel... and then write. Nice job, overall.
Demeter wishes luck for you
i don't really write poetry alot, but 'that'
poem was certainly good. i don't know about anyone else but i thought it was pretty intresting. i also kind of agree with adnamarine. 
you could also make it a bit more descriptive and make it a bit longer. good job anyway. 
feel free to pm me.
Like I said, you need more SDT in here. You're telling us what she's doing, but not how she feels, not describing her cry for help, how it feels to have her feet pounding on the pavement. There's no desperation in this like it seems there should be. It has the sort of rushing pace that's probably ideal for your subject, but without the emotion, even that doesn't help.
"Her sweat soaked hair
wraps itself around her
neck. Constricting her
until soon
she is gasping for
breath." You need to connect these; "constricting" should not start a new sentence.
Check your capitalization to make sure it's consistent; I think I noticed a couple spots that weren't.
"Her lungs blaze with
every intake of air." I like how you used the word 'blaze' here. Maybe expand on that?
I like the idea, but I think you need to develope it more, and add more description. Maybe even describe where they're running? Or more the sensation of running, and less the mere facts about running.
And no, you don't need any STD in it, in case you were still a little fuzzy about that;)
*adna*