Chapter 1: The Ancient

My Vampire Mythology:

Well over a few thousand years ago demons ruled the world. For years they ruled through blood lust and death, the world was in ruins. A completely unknown power changed that. Banishing the demons to the center of the earth, where they could do no harm. One demon managed to slip past the sight of the powers, and remained on earth. Humans started evolving and faster and faster the world started to become what it is today. The demon spent centuries in solitude, and eventually started to search for a mate. He found her in the form of a young Hebrew slave. But her form was beautiful but weak, one night the demon found her alone and drained her blood dry, and refilled her with his own. Giving her eternal life and the strength of a demon. Thus creating the first vampire.

Childer and minions:

A Childe and a minion are two very different things. The ritual to make a minion is simple; the vampire master will drain the minion dry and give them a small portion of their blood. The minion created will have incredible blood lust that can never be diminished, and when their master gives and order they have to comply. This eliminates any double crossing from the underlings. Creating a Childe is not much different; the Childer’s body is drained of all its blood, and replaced with all of the blood of the demon. During the process both demon and Childe are weakened, and the connection between them strengthened.

Childe Sire bonds:

Childer are born without the knowledge of a minion. They need their sire to teach them the ways of the vampire. The sire takes the place as a sort of parental force in their Childer’s life. The bond will continue to grow over time, and sometimes becomes love. Whenever upset or angered the bond between the two can be very calming. Drinking the blood of their sire is a drug. When a Sire bond is severed by death the Childe will never be the same.

Mating:

The mating ritual is very intense; it creates a bond that cannot be broken except by death. When a vampire chooses to mate has chosen for life. The bond between mates is stronger than any other bond between vampires. They can feel each others pain, love, anger, and any other emotion a vampire can feel. They are eternally connected through thought. If another vampire chooses to challenge the claim it is a fight to the death.

Claiming:

Putting a claim on a human can be tricky, there has to be the humans consent. The claim will allow the human to live until the vampire that claimed them dies. When that happens they will age like a normal human. This claim can be challenged at anytime, in which two vampires fight, sometimes until death.

Hierarchy:

Tre Don: When changed they take on vivid emerald eyes; they are the most powerful clan alive with the lowest numbers. They choose their Childer carefully, for inner strength and beauty. Their leader has lasted longer than any other vampire alive.

Listrepe: When changed their eyes change to violet, they are second most powerful clan. They tend to have little physical strength but they make up for that in knowledge. They are allied with Tre Don, and will forever remain so.

Ve Vin: They are born with yellow or orange eyes, and amazing arrogance. Most of their Childer are chosen for physical beauty. Their arrogance lead them to a war over 300 years ago with Gajero. The leaders of both clans were taken out in the bloodiest battle seen by vampires and humans alike.

Gajero: Humble but passionate, the Gajero were born with navy eyes. Their passion is their biggest strength and their biggest weakness. It is passion that lead them to continue the war against Ve Vin, in order to claim what is rightfully theirs. The knowledge of what was lost remains with them and Ve Vin, no other clan knows.

The way of the vampire is about to change forever.

Chapter 1: The Ancient

Drake followed the minion up the corridor trying to write and rewrite the speech he was about to present in his head. He knew the leader of Tre Don was an elder, and he had never had the experience of meeting one before this. This elder was the last left on earth.

He was lead to a large ballroom where apparently every Tre Don had gathered for the meeting. Drake immediately hit his knees and showed his neck, making it known what he was saying; they were his superior.

A great voice spoke from the back of the room, booming with intensity and age. “Rise my child, you are welcome here, and no one will harm you.”

Drake rose from the floor and glanced around himself for the first time. Vivid emerald eyes met his gaze, some looking bored, some looking intrigued.

“I come to beg of help, our numbers are dwindling because of the war with Ve Vin, we can no longer continue with this war or both of our kinds will be whipped off the earth.” Drake spoke with the conviction of a leader, though his mind was whirling.

“You have been appointed leader after Rickter’s death?” asked the voice, whose owner had yet to be seen.

“Yes Lord, I am the oldest in my clan, they saw it fit to make me leader.”

Another voice spoke, a woman’s voice. “Come forward, let us see you.”

Drake slowly made his way across the room, calculating every detail in his head over and over again.

“I know you do not know the circumstances in which the war was started, if it would please you, I will fill you in.” Inside his head Drake prayed they would listen to him.

“You are mistaken, the Ve Vin have told us all of everything.” Spoke the Elder’s voice.

Drake felt rage boil inside him, there was no way they would believe him now. “Correction Lord, you have heard their tale, I beg you to hear ours.”

There was a great pause before the voice spoke again. “It would please me to hear your tale.”

Drake gathered his strength inside him, knowing this was his only chance to get what was rightfully theirs. “Some 300 years ago something very valuable was taken from my clan, something very loved by some of our kind. Her name is Lexica; she is my only Childe’s mate. Family is the most important thing to my clan; Ajax can still feel her pain. He will not stop until she has been returned to him.”

Drake felt the anger of the Tre Don clan enter him; their family values mirrored his apparently. “I am here to beg of service, please help us return her to our family. Ajax cannot survive much longer without her.”

The elder stepped forward, his long black hair coming down his back. Sharp cheek bones and intense emerald eyes met Drake’s. “How can you prove to me this tale is true?”

Drake swallowed hard trying to come to terms with what he was about to do. But for his Childe, he would die. “I—I will allow you to enter my mind, and my memories. You can see every part of me, and what my clan has been through. If this will not convince you I do not know what will.” Drake knew this had never been done before; he would be the first to completely open himself to another vampire.

“You will allow me to enter your mind completely Childe? No boundaries, no restrictions?”

Drake brought the small knife from his pocket and gripped the blade in his hand, quickly jerking it across his own flesh. “This I swear in blood, I will allow you to enter my mind, no boundaries, no walls.”

There was a collective gasp around the ball room, no one had heard of anything like this. It was then that Drake saw her, the smallest little thing she was. Her emerald eyes seemed to pierce his, her blonde hair flowing around her. Dressed in a deep green dress she stuck out against the black and red that surrounded her. She was different from the others; there was no shock on her face, simply understanding.

Drake stood still waiting for the shock to subside, waiting for the Ancient to accept or decline his offer.

“You love your family Childe; there is more love in you than I have ever seen. It is beautiful. Come with me, I think this is something that should happen in a more private area. Of course I will keep some of my closest with me, if you do not mind?”

“No lord, I do not mind,” replied Drake.

Drake followed the Ancient down a different corridor, passing many different doors he assumed were living quarters. Several Tre Don fallowed behind him, probably the Ancients closest. He was not worried about them; he wouldn’t try to harm anyone, so he had nothing to fear. They seemed to walk for hours before they reached a small study. It was decorated in delicate silk and plush leather couches. Drake decided he must create a room like this for himself back at the Gajero mansion.

“Please take a seat.” The Ancient said. His clothes were old, Drake could tell. Probably dating back a few hundred years, the once beautiful violet of his shirt had faded into a fuzzy purple. His skin was paler than any vampire Drake had ever seen, stretched so tight it looked painted on. His nose was pointed, all his features angular. Drake was mesmerized by his aura, so dark yet so caring. Unlike anything he had ever seen before.

Drake took a seat on the couch and tried not to be tense. He felt the others surround and was going to simply ignore that they were there until he saw the girl again. She smirked at him showing a little of her fang. He stared at her for a moment before remembering he was about to make himself incredibly vulnerable. In truth he already had, and he knew it. Vampires prided themselves on their strength; Drake knew his mind was part of that. He also knew that he had too in order to get Lexica back. There was no choice.

The young vampiress stared at him intently, and for a while no one spoke. Waiting for the Ancient to make his move, nothing happened for a while. Drake hid his impatience and tried to stay calm. Finally the Ancient spoke.

“This is going to be difficult for you, because you will want to put up walls. ‘Tis a natural reaction to this sort of ordeal. I ask you not to, it will be easy for me to break the walls down. However it could be painful for you.” He stated in his well versed voice. “Please try to relax; it will all be over soon.”

Before Drake could even process the information he felt something probing his mind. Immediately he opened himself to the invasion.

Flashes of his human life filtered into his mind. He could not stop them from coming out, things he hardly remembered filtered through him. His mother’s painful death at the hands of his father.

His turning, and the revenge he took on the man that helped give him life. More and more images spun in his mind, his Childe, Lexica. The pain he felt his Childe go through when she was taken. It all came back; the nights spent trying to calm Ajax.

The start of the war, and the bloody battles that fallowed. He could see himself in combat with his brethren, attacking the people that had caused them such pain. The death of their leader at the hands of their enemy. Being appointed leader himself. It was all fresh, new, though some of it happened long ago.

Drake did not fight the invasion on his deepest thoughts, though it was hard not to he remembered the pain his Childe was in. He let the Ancient continue his assault on his memory. Everything Drake had ever experienced flowed from his mind into that of another.

The Ancient was right, it was over quickly, and he had stayed strong. When the Ancient had released his mind Drake found himself laying on the couch sweating. He tried to find his voice, but it was drowned in memories.

The Ancient spoke, “the boy tells the truth. We will gather tonight and return this girl to her family, and to her mate.” He paused, his face soft in thought. “Your clan has been through a terrible ordeal, we will assist you.” Quicker than Drake could understand the Ancient drew his knife and drew a line across his skin. “This I swear in blood, we will not stop until Lexica is with her rightful family.”

Drake sat up swiftly, gathering all of his strength he stood. “You will not regret this, when my clan can assist you someday we will. We are in your debt.”

“Never in our debt Childe, your clan owes us nothing.”

There was much movement then, the Ancients closest scattering to gather fighters to go to battle. Drake knew that by the time the sun set the next day Lexica would be reunited with Ajax.

Drake left the Tre Don mansion with new hope in his heart. He sent reassurance to Ajax through the bond they shared, hoping it might do some good. Lexica had been trying to reach out to him, but the distance was making it near impossible. Something was going to happen to her soon, and had it not been for the Tre Don and the Ancient, Drake may have not been able to stop it.

Comments & reviews · 8
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User avatar
sylverdawn
Review

It's very interesting, the culture is very developed and intrigueing it feels very real. I'l definetly continue to read this series. Although you should maybe show some of Drake's memories rather then just mentioning them in passing. That way the changes will have more impact.

User avatar
Leahweird
Review

This is really powerful, and you’ve got a good mythology going on. I do have some notes though.

For starters, you’ve given us your “Vampire mythology” straight. I don’t think that was necessary. It would have been more effective to incorporate the legend into the plot more.

Secondly, in the line “Several Tre Don fallowed behind him” there is an obvious typo. The line just after that “Drake decided he must create a room like this for himself back at the Gajero mansion” ruins the mood. Unless there’s something particularly significant about the room, he probably wouldn’t be thinking about décor in his current mental state. A simple description suffices.

The next two paragraphs are really well written. The imagery in them, and throughout the piece, is really exquisite. The only real note I have after that is when the Ancient speaks nest, you have him say Tis instead a more modern word.

I can see why you chose it, but it stands out too much. It might be just me. That sort of thing is a pet peeve of mine. If you decide to keep it, that’s none of my business, but you might want to try a normal “It Is” instead.

Lastly, you’re missing a capital on “the boy tells the truth”. That’s it.

Your flashback scene was stellar. It had just enough information to give us background info on you’re character, without bogging down the flow of the plot. Extremely well done!

I’m very interested to see how this continues, because I’m totally mystified as to what might happen from here. That doesn’t happen to me very often. Bravo! Thank you for posting this.

This was incredible! I've never seen anything like this, I mean how did you come up with all the names for vampires? You really are a fantastic fantasy writer. The whole mythology explanation really was brilliant...it pulls the reader in. Drake is a very brave character because the Tre Don could have killed them. I really hope you finish this book and please send it to a publisher because this was fantastic, I'll read the rest tomorrow...but good job!! Keep writing!
Thanks for being brilliant!,
Angel
:D :D :D

User avatar
Derek
Comment

I dont usally enjoy Vampire story
but this being an exception
i like it alot
i cant wait to read the other chapters
not critquing as of now
very sleepy

User avatar
Meep
Review
Meep wrote a review · Thu Jan 03, 2008 4:32 am

First thought: infodump. *yawn* If that's not actually part of the story - which I hope it isn't - don't post it; we'll figure it out as we go along (with your help, of course) and if it is, it shouldn't be. Don't tell us, show us. Anne Rice has a pretty formulaic - but workable and fairly interesting - way of giving us a crash course in vampires 101 without too much infodumping.

Second, speaking of Anne Rice, your creation story is almost exactly the same as the story of the vampires in the Vampire Chronicles, isn't it? (It's been awhile, but it sounds awfully familiar.)

Third, why "Childe," capital C, added e? Why the pluralization -r?

Fourth, awkward mate-choosing cliché? Why do so many fantasy humanoids do this? I'm not saying it's a bad thing - Balthamos & Baruch are beautiful together - but why does it work that way for your vampires? Just something to keep in mind.

Fifth, weird eye colors are another pretty standard fantasy plot device. Again, it doesn't mean it has to be a bad thing, but you'll have to do something amazing to make it interesting. (For example what, in particular, makes their eyes change color?)

Onto the actual story.

We start with a dying race, or, dying subsection of a race, and probably the one with the most knowledge. Again, this is fairly standard fantasy stuff. It's also kind of boring after awhile; what happened to all of the other elders, and why haven't some others aged into whatever it is that makes one qualify for the status?

OverEasy wrote:Drake immediately hit his knees and showed his neck, making it known what he was saying; they were his superior.

This doesn't give us a clear image of what he's doing. Is he kneeling? Bowing?

You start with a little emotional interest; here we have a character who is acting very natural and, well, human. This could be a bad thing, seeing as he's not, but he's getting stage fright of a sort, and so we can relate to him. That's interesting. Then it goes back to infodump.

The little blond girl reminds me of Claudia. Keep in mind that a lot of readers will see "vampire" and think "Anne Rice," as I obviously do. Thus, having a little blond ancient vampire girl will make some people suspicious. Just something to keep in mind.

All in all, instead of starting with this scene, have you considered starting with, maybe the actual rescue of Lexica, or something with a little more emotional drama than something like a court scene? This wasn't bad so much as a little boring; not really something that'd keep me interested for very long.

User avatar
Squall
Review
Squall wrote a review · Wed Jan 02, 2008 3:19 am

Hey there OverEasy, and welcome to YWS. You'll find me roaming the fantasy forum from time to time, reading up works, since I'm nerdy like that XD

Onto my critique. Firstly, when I read your mythos of your fantasy, I was pleased that you've realized that vampires originated from demons. Kudos to you on that. More on the mythos a bit later on.

Drake followed the minion up the corridor trying to write and rewrite the speech he was about to present in his head.


If Drake is rewriting, then it is automatically implied that he has written a speech. Why else would he be rewriting it?

He knew the leader of Tre Don was an elder, and he had never had the experience of meeting one before this. This elder was the last left on earth.


This is rather far fetched. Can you elaborate further as to why this elder is the last of his kind? What reasons can you tell us to allow us to believe this?

Another voice spoke, a woman’s voice. “Come forward, let us see you.”


You used the word "voice" twice, making it seem repetitive and rather reductant. I think you can reword the sentence that follows before the dialogue with only one "voice". This would make the sentence flow better, and the word "voice" more important.

Drake slowly made his way across the room, calculating every detail in his head over and over again.


This statement needs more elaboration. Why was he calculating every detail in his head? What relevance does this have in the given situation?

“Correction Lord, you have heard their tale, I beg you to hear ours.”


Personally, I would put a "my" in front of Lord. By doing that, you are showing more of the servant's loyality to him. By just having it as it is now, not only is it rude, but his loyality is questioned.

Drake felt the anger of the Tre Don clan enter him; their family values mirrored his apparently.


The part which I have changed into italics is more of an info dump than actual elaboration of what was happening. I think you can actually show that to us using the five senses as well as including your own comments.

Drake swallowed hard trying to come to terms with what he was about to do.


Comma in front of "hard".

She was different from the others; there was no shock on her face, simply understanding.


This sentence is rather weak and feels more of an info dump than an elaboration of an idea, mostly because it isn't carried properly from the previous sentences. In the sentences that followed this one, you were describing her appearance, and it has nothing to do with the shock expressions on faces. For this sentence to not be an info dump, the sentences before this must be related to the shock expressions on the people. Otherwise, this is just a random info dump.

“This is going to be difficult for you, because you will want to put up walls. ‘Tis a natural reaction to this sort of ordeal.


This dialogue is just random. Putting up walls is just a cliche saying, and I am disappointed that you've used it in your dialogue. What's worse is that it sounds a bit inappropriate for the designated time period, world and your race of creatures. This is because since they live in a gaia (world) in which we have never heard about, I expected some more creative dialogue. Instead, we get a common saying thrown in for the sake of the situation.

Before Drake could even process the information he felt something probing his mind. Immediately he opened himself to the invasion.


What exactly was probing his mind? I'm lost.

His mother’s painful death at the hands of his father


Oh my god! Why is always the mother that dies in almost everything I read or hear. I swear! The idea is just so common in literature, and I find it rather sexist that it is mostly the mother that suffers. I seriously believe that they deserve more respect. Instead, they get killed, and no one gives a rat's tail about it.

The start of the war, and the bloody battles that fallowed.


"followed", not "fallowed".

Overall impressions:

Personally, I did not like this piece. You have a good mythos in my opinion. However, I was disapppointed that you didn't carry this into the 1st chapter. Also, the mythos should be shown in the story, rather than it being setted out like a list. Let's face it, no one wants to be told what is what, but rather to find out themselves.

The ideas in this were quite cliche, given the setting and the gaia that this took place in. There was nothing that interest me of this war. It was pretty much your standard war plot, one which is very similar to all the other war plots that I've experienced, and I was bored mindless. Considering you had a good mythos, I was disappointed.

Then there was Drake, and god was he boring and flat. There was no sense of heroism in him, hardly any emotions were shown to the situation that he was in. He was pretty much your standard everyday hero, and there was nothing that I liked about him. He was just there, nothing else. I can do a rant about it, but I really don't want to, or else I'm just making this critique too long. I think it's because you have all these ideas, but they aren't very well organized and they don't link very well. As a result, they feel rather random and lifeless. I won't mention the other characters, as they were more like statues to me than actual characters. At least Drake was a character, the others were like statues.

You also told a lot for a first chapter, and it was boring. Dull talk of politics and the war. I really wasn't interested. You need to show more of what was happening, give us more of a sense of your world and the situation. Draw us in. But instead, we were bombarded with all this political stuff.

I'll stop there, or else I'll be going on a tangent as to why this piece was lacking. Maybe it's my fault, I don't find war and vampire stories that appealing. But seriously, there was nothing new or creative about this piece, it seems more of a vommit of ideas which had existed for a long time now.

I hope my critique helped and I do apologize if I did sound rather harsh. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Andy.

Random avatar
Arion
Review
Arion wrote a review · Wed Jan 02, 2008 1:04 am

Curious...The vampire mythology section is just for us, right? It's not actually part of the book?

After reading this over I only have a few comments. I did read your vampire mythology, and though, while I do find vampires quite fascinating (having written about them many times myself), I found it a tad bit boring, and didn't pay much attention. I admit, that was my fault.

I did, however, get sucked into the actual story fairly easily. I've said it before. I love vampires. There was emotion in your characters, something which (to my great dismay) is becoming harder and harder to find done well. You did it well. Not over done. It made me smile. :D

I think, to solve the vampire mythology problem (which was one of the only ones), you could integrate that information into the story as you write. Not all at the beginning, but as needed as you progress through the story. That way the reader gets all the information without feeling as if they've been info-raped.

Vampires are among the hardest things to write about. It's difficult not to be painfully cliche, and because of that, many writers have succumb to creating their own worlds, like you're doing. They way you get your reader to know this world as you do, is to capture them in the story, and let them live it as if they were watching a movie. I have yet to hear of a movie that starts off with half an hour of information. The story has to start before that or nobody will be paying attention when it does.

So, good job. I really like what you have so far, and with the proper tweaks and adjustments, I think you'll do well when it comes time to send it off to publishers.

Best of luck!

-Arion

User avatar
OverEasy
Comment

I edited the rating, because it is not rated R in this chapter or the next. Be warned now that later rated R is coming. Also i felt the need to add my personal vampire mythology, for two reasons
1) Because the first chapter wouldn't make very much sense without it.
2) Because it is different from some others, i like to make my own world.


PLEASE review, someday I hope to be sending this to a publisher, and I want to know people's view of it first



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